Gratitude
Part Seven
So for the past three days he had simply watched her, trying to find the balance between not pushing her to open up while still showing her he was waiting for her when she wanted to do so. It had been difficult to decide on the right approach until he had taken a moment and realized that despite her emotional turmoil, Mac was still the same woman. And the way to this particular woman�s heart was still through her stomach. Sturgis had recognized by lunch on Wednesday that Mac wasn�t eating like she normally did. Part of that was stress, he was sure. But he was also willing to bet that part of it was that for Mac, eating was a social occasion. It was a chance to spend time with her friends that wasn�t directly about work. Especially Harm. With Harm gone, and the others ignoring her, she hadn�t bothered to make the effort of leaving her office to get food.
So he did it for her. He left for lunch that day without a word, and just as silently came back, walked into her office and set a Beltway Burger bag in front of her. When she looked at him in curiosity, he had simply smiled, pointed to the bag and said, �Eat.� Then he left her alone to do just that. He had done the same thing yesterday, and he was leaving to do the same thing today. He was trying to make a point to her. By leaving her alone while he went for food, and assuming she would eat it without him hovering over her, Sturgis was trying to show her that he trusted her. And if he was worried about how she was going to handle this weekend, he kept his worries to himself.
He made his way quickly to the nearby deli. One of the benefits of buying Mac�s food was that he was getting her to eat things a little healthier than her normal fare. He went to the counter and made his order. Moving to sit at a nearby table to wait for his food, he had just started to wonder again what to do about this weekend when his cell phone gave a shrill ring. Pulling it out, he checked the caller i.d. Harm. Remembering that Harm had an appointment with the C.I.A. this morning, he hurriedly answered his phone. �Commander Turner.�
�Hey, Sturgis,� Sturgis could practically hear him grinning.
�A flyboy grin�, he thought idly as he responded with an easy, �Hey, buddy. How�s it going? Your meeting with Kershaw go okay? Or are you calling for legal advice?�
Harm laughed, �No, smartass, I�m not calling for your legal services. Actually, I�m calling to tell you that I am once again a gainfully employed government worker.�
�You actually took a job as a spook?� Sturgis asked incredulously. After everything Harm had said about Webb and the C.I.A. over the years, he had a hard time believing his friend had made such a complete turnaround after only one meeting. Of course, unemployment made you do things you wouldn�t normally do.
Harm�s voice broke into his musings, �I didn�t exactly take a job as a spook. I took a job transporting spooks.�
�You�re flying?� Now it made sense.
�Yeah, I figure if I can�t work for the Navy anymore, I can still make use of my Navy training. In fact, I leave tomorrow morning for my first assignment. I�m not sure how long I�ll be gone, and I didn�t want you to think I had gone off and done something stupid. Besides, I had to let you know you had a reprieve from your usual ass-kicking.�
Sturgis laughed, �You keep telling yourself that, Rabb. Someday you might manage to convince yourself.� They shared a laugh. Sturgis� laughter faded as he thought of Mac. �So, do you want me to let everyone at JAG know what you�re doing?�
Both of them knew exactly who Sturgis meant by everyone. �Only if they ask,� Harm replied quietly. �Otherwise, don�t bother.�
�Listen Harm,� Sturgis began, only to have Harm cut him off.
�Sturgis, I really should get going. I got a lot to do before tomorrow. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I don�t know if I�ll be able to contact you while I�m gone, but I�ll call as soon as I can. Take care, buddy.� And with that, Harm hung up the phone.
On his way back to work, Sturgis pondered the conversation. Should he tell Mac what was going on or respect Harm�s wishes and only let her know if she asked? And if she did ask, should he tell Mac everything and risk upsetting her more? He sighed, if she asked he would have to tell her the truth. He had promised she could trust him. But only if she asked. Harm was still his friend, too, and he didn�t want to wreck his friendship with Harm trying to help Mac. He had learned his lesson on that score. He sighed as he walked into the bullpen.
Didn�t I say I was never going to get involved in this soap opera? Shows what I know. He strode over to Mac�s office and knocked. At her frenzied, �Enter�, he pushed open the door and walked over to her desk. Mac was buried in files and law books. He smiled. The Admiral had gotten the last word in, after all. Instead of calling her to the carpet for what they both knew was an act of disrespect, Chegwidden had decided to take her at her word. He had called her into his office on Wednesday, told her he was glad to know she was back and ready to work, and promptly handed her the most difficult, unwieldy assignment he could find. Mac had been working feverishly to make sure she was prepared. Sturgis knew that this was a test for her. For both the Admiral and herself, she had to prove that she was able to do her job up to her usual standards. So far as Sturgis could tell, she was passing with flying colors.
He reached into the bag and pulled out her sandwich. Unwrapping it, he set it close enough for her to see, and far enough that she wouldn�t knock it over in her haste to find something. He placed her soda next to it and tapped her on the shoulder. When she glanced up at him, he pointed to the food and said, �Eat.� She graced him with a small but genuine smile. This was becoming a ritual for them, one she found very comforting. She thanked him quickly and turned back to work. Shaking his head with a smile, he picked up his own food and took it back to his office. Moving to place the bag on his desk, he noticed a piece of paper folded in the center of his desk. Curious, he picked it up, setting the food in its place. He opened the paper and read. �If you still want to talk, meet me at 1800 hours. Bring flowers. Orchids, if you can find them.� It was signed simply �M�, with an address underneath.
Sturgis was confused. Why would Mac want him to bring her flowers? And where exactly where they meeting? He turned to his computer and entered the address, hoping for a name as well as directions on how to get there. It only took a moment for both to appear on the screen. He stared in shock at the name of their meeting place. Of all the places she could pick to talk, what possessed her to pick this place? That would be his very first question when he met her there.
Fair Oaks Cemetery
Sturgis pulled through the gates at the entrance of the cemetery apprehensively. He knew he was late, but he had a hard time finding orchids. For some reason, he knew that finding the right flowers was an important gesture. Parking in the first space he could find. He got out, locked his car and started out to meet Mac. He had only been here once before, but he knew exactly where to find her. There was only one person she would be visiting in this place. Sure enough, he spotted her standing in front of a simple headstone. She was, like him, still in uniform. It seemed appropriate somehow. Moving to stand next to her, he knelt down and placed his flowers next to hers on Loren Singer�s grave.
He didn�t know how long they stood there before Mac broke the silence. Still staring at Singer�s headstone, she stated quietly, �I suppose you�re wondering why we�re here.�
Sturgis nodded his head, �I can�t say that I ever imagined you visiting Lt. Singer�s grave. You two weren�t exactly friends.� Mac snorted softly at Sturgis� gross understatement.
�No one was �exactly her friend� Sturgis. Which is exactly why we�re here.� At this, Sturgis turned to look at her. Sensing his confusion, she continued, �Did you know that the caretaker here knows the names of everyone here? Joe can look at any grave and tell you who is buried there, who visits them and how many times they come.� She finally turned to him. �No one comes here, Sturgis. In her whole life, no one cared enough about her that they would even bring flowers to her grave.�
He nodded his head in understanding. It was a sad commentary on Singer�s life. And yet, �It was her choice, Mac. There wasn�t a person at JAG who didn�t try at one time or another to be a friend to her. If no one cared about her, it was because she wouldn�t allow it.�
�I know that, Sturgis,� she replied, looking back down, �I once told Harm that I didn�t want to dislike her. And I didn�t, no one did. But she seemed to always try her hardest to make herself unlikable. And I�m not going to stand here and say that I miss her and I wish she were here. As horrible as it might sound, I don�t miss her at all. And while I never wished her dead, I won�t deny that I�m relieved she�s out of my life. I didn�t like her, Sturgis. She was mean, overly ambitious, conniving and deceitful. I won�t stand here and pretend otherwise. And I�m still so angry with her Sturgis. All her lies and manipulations ended up getting her and her daughter killed and almost sent an innocent man to Leavenworth. I think that was where our lives, Harm�s and mine at least, started to get screwed up. At least in our relationships with each other. And I know we�re responsible for that, but a part of me can�t help but blame her.�
Sturgis said nothing, knowing she wasn�t finished. After a moment, Mac continued, �But for all that, Sturgis, she didn�t deserve this. She didn�t deserve to be murdered. Or to be left out here and forgotten by everyone. Certainly, that innocent little baby didn�t deserve to lose her life before it even started. She doesn�t even have a name, Sturgis. I don�t even know if Loren had anything picked out. It�s wrong, Sturgis. It�s wrong to just be forgotten. No one should be forgotten.� She added in a whisper, �I should know.�
At that, Sturgis spoke. �Is that why we�re here? Because you can relate to Singer now? Because you�re afraid you�ll be forgotten?�
�I�ve spent my entire life being forgotten,� her matter of fact tone making the words all the more painful, �I thought I had gotten used to it. I learned a long time ago, people might love you, but they rarely love you enough to stay. I told myself I would never let anyone get so close that I would be hurt if they left me behind. It�s part of the reason I joined the military. So I wouldn�t have to stay in one place long enough to get attached. But I�ve been here for eight years, Sturgis. Despite promising myself that it would never happen, I made this my home. Made JAG my family. And my family abandoned me again. And it hurts, Sturgis, more than I ever thought it would.� Her eyes filled with tears and she turned away, struggling for control.
�That�s why I did what I did Monday morning. I could handle the Admiral as long as he was formal with me. Even him being mad at me. It�s the way C.O.�s are supposed to behave to officers under their command. But when he looked at me with concern in his eyes, I just lost it. I thought he was more than a commanding officer, I thought he was my friend. More of a father to me than my own ever was. And he abandoned me,� Mac�s voice slowly rose in anger. �He left me there to die! He wasn�t going to help me. He wouldn�t even let Harm come and try to save me. After everything the both us had done for him, the times we broke the rules to help him, he was just going to hide behind the official party line and leave me to Saddiq.� She shivered at the terrorist�s name. Her voice broke as she continued, �he was willing to let me die on some screwed up C.I.A. mission. And when Harm wasn�t, when he sacrificed everything to come try and get me out of there, the Admiral punished him. He didn�t even care, Sturgis. He didn�t care.�
Sturgis finally responded, �I�m sure he cared, Mac. I�m sure he still does. But like it or not, he�s still the JAG. And he has to follow the rules.�
Mac responded bitterly, �Maybe he did. But he didn�t have to punish Harm for leaving.�
�Technically, he did.� When Mac whirled to face him, eyes blazing, he added, �I�m not saying I agree with him, Mac. I don�t think he did the right thing, either. Not as a friend. And whether he meant to or not, he allowed himself to be your friend. Maybe he shouldn�t have. Maybe he shouldn�t have let any of you blur the line like that. But he did blur it, and it was unfair of him to punish Harm for counting on that to get him back into JAG. But that doesn�t mean he doesn�t care, Mac. It doesn�t mean he stopped caring for either of you.� Mac let out a sigh of defeat, �Maybe you�re right, Sturgis. But it doesn�t feel like you are. And I just don�t know if I can let go of this.�
They stood in silence again. This time it was Sturgis who broke the silence. �Mac, can I ask you something?� At her nod, he continued, �If you recognized everything Harm gave up to rescue you, why did you get so angry with him for doing it? Why...�he trailed off, not knowing how to finish his question without sounding accusatory.
Mac understood and finished it for him, �Why didn�t I seem at all grateful for what he did? Why didn�t I say �thank you�? I know that�s what you want to know. It�s what everyone wants to know. It�s why everyone turned away. But you know what, Sturgis. I don�t owe any of you an explanation. What happened between me and Harm in Paraguay was between us. You don�t need to know my reasons.�
Sturgis stared at her frustrated, �You�re right. You don�t owe any of us an explanation. We didn�t expect one. But we did expect you to give one to Harm. Because you DO owe him that, Mac.�
She sighed. �I know I do, Sturgis. But by the time I knew the explanation, it was too late. It wouldn�t mean anything now.�
�How can you say that, Mac?� Sturgis responded, �Of course it would still mean something. If it didn�t, if it was really too late, it wouldn�t still be hurting you both so much. He doesn�t understand, Mac, but he wants to. I know, I talked to him. He doesn�t want to give up, but he doesn�t feel like you�re giving him a choice in the matter.�
�That�s because I�m not giving him a choice.� Her response stunned him. �You�re probably right, Sturgis. It would still matter. Maybe it would matter enough to patch up our friendship. But in the end, it doesn�t stop me from hurting him. I�m so tired of hurting him, Sturgis. I don�t want to do it anymore. And if I explained everything to him, what I understand of it anyway, I would be hurting him again. I won�t do that. I can�t.�
�But don�t you see, Mac, not telling him is hurting him just as much. Maybe more,� When Mac shook her head no, Sturgis pressed on, �Yes, Mac. He still cares. And he needs to know that you still care about him. Especially now that he�s about to...� Sturgis cut himself off, remembering his promise to Harm at the last minute, knowing it was too late.
Mac narrowed her eyes, fixing him with the full intensity of her glare. �Especially now that he�s about to what?� When Sturgis didn�t respond, �Spill it, Sturgis. Now.�
It would take a stronger man than him to stand up to Sarah Mackenzie when she was in full Marine mode. Reluctantly, he told her about Harm�s interview and new job with the Agency. Mac�s eyes widened in shock, �He�s going to fly for the C.I.A.? When did this happen?�
�He got the offer today. He leaves for his first mission first thing in the morning.�
The color drained from Mac�s face. She stood there for a moment, stunned. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, she sprung to action. Sweeping her arm down to grasp the purse at her feet, she turned back towards her car. She practically ran to the lot, digging her hand frantically through her purse as she went. Sturgis followed behind her. With his longer stride he caught up to her with only a few steps. He reached out and grabbed hold of her arm. And just like she had on Tuesday evening, Mac froze at his touch. She stood still, her only movement her suddenly labored breathing. He was concerned, she hadn�t been moving nearly fast enough to be this short of breath. She started to move, shaking free of his hand and turning in a circle. Her eyes were scanning her surroundings and she was constantly turning. She looked like she was expecting to get attacked at any moment. He followed her movements with his gaze. She stopped for a moment to focus her gaze on a figure in the distance. Recognizing that it was only a man visiting a grave, she continued her search, her eyes sweeping the area again and again. Aside from the visitor, there was no one around. Finally she slowed, and then stopped. Working to catch her breath, she stood silently staring at the ground. Sturgis didn�t say anything; he had no idea what he could say.
Finally she looked up. Staring at him in a confused mess of determination, frustration and despair, she asked him, �Can I still trust you to keep my secrets, Sturgis? No matter what, even from Harm?� Fearing what was coming, Sturgis nonetheless nodded. �You said that my telling Harm wouldn�t hurt as much as not telling him. But I think you�re wrong. Because right now, he at least has the comfort of knowing what he did was the right thing. That giving up his career had at least saved me from that place. But he was wrong, Sturgis. He tried to rescue me from that place, from Saddiq. He managed to get me free physically. But as hard as he tried, as much as he gave up, he failed to save me. Because I�m still there, Sturgis. Every minute of every day, I�m still in that room. In every way that matters, I never escaped. And if what�s been happening since I got back is any indication, I�m not sure I ever will."
"That�s what I can�t tell him. I can�t explain that the reason I never thanked him for saving me is that he didn�t save me. Then he would know it was all for nothing. I won�t let him believe that, Sturgis. Not ever. Not even if it�s the truth.�
Mac pulled her keys from her purse and walked the rest of the way to her car. Sturgis stood, frozen. He knew he should follow her, knew he should say something, but he couldn�t. Her confession had rocked him. He hadn�t grasped the depth of her silent suffering. This was much worse than he could have imagined. He was completely lost on what to do next. He could only stare as she got in her car and placed her keys in the ignition. Starting forward, he rushed to the little red sports car and placed his hands on the open window. Unable to think of how to respond to her confession, he asked somewhat helplessly, �Where are you going?� She smiled sadly and patted his hand in reassurance. �I�m going to see Harm. I can�t let him leave without saying goodbye. Besides, I made a promise to myself a couple of years ago. I would never again let Harm fly without wishing him good luck. No matter how things end up between us, that�s one promise I won�t break.� Starting the car, she pulled out of the parking lot and headed to Union Station.
JAG Headquarters
0758 EST
Sturgis kept his promise. It had been an extremely difficult decision. He was worried about her. He was also worried that his involvement would harm more than help. Sturgis had seen a lot of suffering as the son of Chaplain Turner, but those people had been strangers. Mac was his friend, and he wasn�t sure that he was really being any help to her. Surely, someone else at JAG would know better how to deal with a hurting Sarah Mackenzie. But in the end, he said nothing to them. Mac was right, if they couldn�t see on their own that something was troubling her, they didn�t need to know. So he decided to remain silent for now, watching Mac but choosing not to interfere unless absolutely necessary. He had told her she could set the pace, that he would have faith in her to know what was right for her, and Sturgis had to trust her if he had any hope of her trusting him. Because right now, more than anything else, Mac needed someone she could trust, and he looked like the only candidate.
1812 EST