| 11-19-2003; 9:24am The way I see things, if I leave someone with more-than-adequate means of communicating with me, and make an effort to contact that person, but that person "never has time" to talk, or contact me back, well, then I just guess that person doesn't want anything to do with me...It's not like she reads this journal, anyways. It's not like I can't see between the ruddy lines, you know. I think I know when to give up. And yet, I know the next time I see her, I'm going to melt, like a dumb, lovestruck idiot, and fall right back in. I suppose there is good news, though. After this weekend, after this bloody improv, it'll all be over, and they'll never have to see me again. I deliver the ruddy scarves I made for them, back in my ridiculous moments of false pleasure and happieness, then I can get my mind back on track, to...to...nothing at all, really. 11-18-2003; 7:08pm I'm thoroughly going nowhere right now. And I'm damn proud of it. Yeah, that's it. 11-13-2003; 7:45pm Let's see, Math was cancelled, for the first time, this semester, that was good. Yesterday, Wahbe actually DID push back the due date for our essays, so that's good too. Today, I finished up reading Goblet of Fire. So, that was actually pretty good. It was darkly reminicent of the dark, yet hopeful ending from Empire Strikes Back....hm. Oh, I also glimpsed at the trailer for Prisoner of Azkaban....uh-oh. I'm a Harry Potter convert. 11-10-2003; 8:33pm No, I haven't made things better with Glynnes. No, I haven't done any of my math homework. No, I do not have the first draft of my English paper ready. Yes, I have a cold, yes, I am dying. Yes, this all sucks. 11-9-2003; 9:44am I think Glynnes hates me. Or she's using me, something like that. I am just so insignificant to her, it seems. It's the same story with Amy, too. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm such a mess right now. I seem to be digging myself into a deeper pit. I wish they'd just tell me that they hated me, and I should go away. I can't pretend to just want to be their friends. I should give up, I don't know why I keep on thinking I have some chance, that they'd actually open up to me, or anything. Colin took me to Cal State Long Beach's Anime Social Club last Friday, since I had nothing better to do. I think Colin really sees something in me. There's always gay jokes, of course, but I'm pretty sure it's not like that, since he has a girlfriend on the CSLB campus. I think Colin is a valuable friend to have, and you know, I would like to spend more time hanging out. I finally got my hands on a camera, but I really don't feel like getting in costume, at all. 11-4-2003; 8:52am Why didn't the tell me at orientation that I didn't have to attend college 5 days a week? It's a little past mid-term, and I've only figured this out now. See, the thing is I think I finally feel the effects of college. I've spread myself too thin, and it's starting to take it's toll. Live and learn I guess....but first I need to survive this stage of living... I don't know what's come over me. I'm just really distracted over college. I think I'm more focused on Amy now. Maybe Glynnes was right. But the feelings I have for her are genuine too. As someone once told me, I will have to make a choice. I had to do this before, and it ended up with me hooking up with Holly. (Who, incidentally, I hear got suspended for biting someone, what the fuck?) So, it seems I have a new lease on this choice in my life. I better not screw up this time... 11-3-2003; 8:16pm Okay, it just got mind-fuckingly cold over the last week or so. I got tossed out of English class (more or less) today), because my panicked rambling was too distracting for that bitch of a professor. I think I've spread myself too thin this semester, and I'm starting to crack. Not that anyone will ever notice in College. It's just another day in hell, for me, thanks. 10-31-2003; 8:25pm The dream is dead. It's far to early in the evening for my festivities to be over, yet they are. What a frickin' bust this turned out to be. On another note, I did get muchos recognition for my costume, and I can safely say that MY costume rocked. Now, if only I had goddamn pictures. I've been abandoned for the evening, and I'm still not doing my English work. I dunno. I'm going nowhere, again. |