NON-EXISTENT MOVIE OUTTAKES
Most of these were written when I was twelve years old. Some are new. If several seem familiar, it's because quite a few were later on integrated into several of my fics on ff.net, namely the 'Dude, Where's My..." series (all scripts, and all removed now. Bleagh.) Back then, I had no idea what fanfic was. This isn't exactly fanfic, either. I just watched the movies and couldn't resist writing this.
None of the following are in chronological order. They're all kind of just messed up. Figure out which part of the movies they come from yourself.
1. WEIRD ADDITIONS TO THE STAR WARS OUTTAKES
Obi-Wan: May the Force be with you.
Luke: The Force? Whassat? Oh wait... I know! My science teacher taught me this! A force can be many things... a push or a pull and er... right?
Obi-Wan: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Luke: I was RIGHT?! I BET I'LL PASS MY SCIENCE EXAM THIS TIME! Won't my teacher be proud of me?
(Obi-Wan commits suicide at the thought of having to teach such a person the ways of the Force)
Director: Don't you guys even LOOK at the script? Oh yeah, and before I forget, ring up the cemetery. Someone did it again.
Luke to stormtroopers: Stay away from me or I'll tell my daddy!
Anakin: So what's the Force?
Qui-Gon: No one can be told what the Force is. You have to see it for yourself.
Anakin: Huh?
Qui-Gon: Oh, sorry. That's the Matrix. The Force is ah... the Force uh... PASS ME THE SCRIPT!
(Luke and Leia are huggin each other tightly. In fact, so tightly that Luke's lightsaber ignites, killing both instantly.)
Director: Don't put down the phone yet! Tell them to reserve another two spots in the 'Star Wars Casualties' section...
Anakin: NOOOOOOOO! Let me OUT of here! I hate injections!
(Qui-Gon injects him.)
- End of Scene -
Cameraman: Oops. I forgot to switch on the camera.
Director: Okay, let's do that again. And... ACTION!
(Long pause)
Director: Hey, where's that kid gone?
Yoda: Concentraaaaaa... *boom*
(Yoda crashes and lands on a camerman, killing him.)
Director: I see dead people...
Jar Jar Binks: Yousa saved me life. Mesa your humble servant.
Obi-Wan: Is that English?
Director: CUT!
Yoda: Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. *pinch*
(Luke bashes Yoda, murdering him.)
Director: This can NOT be happening to me. WHY'D YOU DO THAT FOR?
Luke: He pinched me.
Jabba the Hutt: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: What's that?
Jabba the Hutt: HOHOHOHOHO!
Han: I know that laugh... SANTA CLAUS!
Director: CUT!
(Scene where Luke is thrown into the rancor pit)
Luke: Accio Firebolt!
(A broomstick whizzes towards him.)
Luke: Hey, I was joking! I didn't really mean...
Harry Potter Director: *runs in* Um, did any of you see a broomstick fly past?I want my prop back...
Rancor: ROAR! *eats HP director*
SW Director: Uh, is this considered under 'Star Wars Casualties'?
=+=+=+=+=
2. THE UNSEEN BACK TO THE FUTURE OUTTAKES WHICH A WELL-THINKING PERSON ERASED FROM EXISTENCE
Lorraine: Do you have a television set?
Marty: YEAH! I have three! One big, one small, and a PROJECTOR SCREEN!
Director: Oh man! CUT!
Biff: Hey, McFly! I hear you've got purple underwear!
(Marty pours a bottle of Pepsi Free down the other's neck in revenge)
Director: OI! That's not in the script... *flip flip flip* SEE?
(Marty Jr. regains consciousness and sees Marty. He stares.)
Marty Jr.: Who are you?
Marty: I am your father.
Marty Jr.: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Star Wars Director: PLAGIARISM! *waves toy lightsaber*
BTTF Director: What are YOU doing here?
Doc: Roads? Where we're going, we don't... NEED... roads.
(The DeLorean zooms up and crashes into the studio ceiling.)
Marty: AAAH! Too high! Too high!
(They fly over the rest of Universal Studios.)
People: It's a bird! It's a plane! IT'S... A flying DeLorean?
Superman Director: GET OFF MY SET!
Doc: First you got to get out and change clothes.
Marty: Right now? It's pouring rain!
(Doc looks at his watch.)
Doc: Wait five more seconds.
(They wait five more seconds)
(The rain continues)
Marty: Well?
Doc: Uh, wait five more seconds.
(They wait five more seconds)
(The rain still continues)
Doc: Um.
Director to sleeping special effects people: OI! WAKE UP!
(Marty points to Mr. Fusion)
Marty: Isn't that a coffee grinder?
Director: Why don't YOU provide the props next time, huh?
Marty: On the night I go back...
Doc: What?
(Marty gives up and starts doing sign language.)
Director: What the... CUT!
(Lightning hits an extra, killing him.)
Special effects person: Oops. Missed again.
Director: The clocktower's like, over THERE? *points to area far away* Can't you aim? Oh yeah, and someone ring up LucasFilm to ask if they can rent us a spot in the 'Star Wars Casualties' section of the graveyard...
(The locomotive reaches 88mph and the funnel starts producing purple smoke with 'lil smiley faces in them.)
Marty: Was that supposed to happen?
Clara: Was that supposed to happen?
Doc: Was that supposed to happen?
Director: Was that supposed to... CUT!
Special effects people: APRIL FOOL!
=+=+=+=+=
3. THE MATRIX OUTTAKES - RELOADED, REVOLUTIONED AND GENERALLY MUTILATED
Neo: Uh, sorry, but I can't swallow pills. Does this come in liquid form?
Morpheus: No.
Neo: NO? What d'ya mean, no? So I'm stuck here forever? Because I can't take either one, so I can't go any where, so I'm STUCK HERE FOREVER and WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEE... *hyperventilates*
(Cue Morpheus bashing head repeatedly against wall)
Neo: Why does my head hurt?
Morpheus: You've never used it before.
(Contributed by Jake Skywalker)
Trinity: So... you can't be dead. You can't be, because... *thinks deeply* Because you're about to get a pay rise.
Neo: *jerks up* I am?
Director: What the...
Trinity: I forgot my lines, and I figured that was the next best thing. It worked, anyway.
Neo: So where's my pay rise?
Director: *breaks down and cries*
Neo: Am I dead?
Morpheus: Yes.
Neo: No way!
Morpheus: YES WAY!
Neo: Dude, that is most unexcellent!... Oops, wrong movie.
(By me and Jake Skywalker)
(Agent dodges bullets)
Trinity: Shoot the fulcrum! Shoot the fulcrum!
Neo: What's the fulcrum?
Trinity: The pivot thingy where he's turning.
Neo: Oh. *shoots the fulcrum*
Agent: ULP! *dies*
Director on phone: Uh excuse me, is this the place where I can reserve spots in the 'Star Wars Casualties' section?
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?
Morpheus: Well, a group of Biology students dropped by just now and they wanted eye specimens to dissect, and you were the only one here who didn't disagree to let them use theirs, so... Don't worry, there's quite a low possibility of them dropping out again.
Agent Smith: Tell me, Mr. Anderson... What good is a phone call if you're unable to speak?
Neo: Nah, it doesn't matter. I've got a videophone, and I know sign language.
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