This was originally done as part of an English group assignment in school; we were supposed to come up with a newspaper, and this was the from jokes section. Most of the following were written by me, though a few were my classmates' and some were inspired by my brother. Several others are new additions. The person in the first one was one of the people in my group for the project. In-joke. Long story. Everything here is written with apologies to everyone mentioned.

GIRL BREAKS RECORD FOR EATING MOST NUMBER OF 'WASABI SHORT STIX' IN FIVE MINUTES

ANDY SERKIS LOSES VOICE, SUES PETER JACKSON

KEANU CHARLES REEVES LOSES 70% OF FANS UPON THE RELEASE OF BILL AND TED'S EVEN MORE EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, REMAINING FANS SCREAM, 'DUDE!'

HUGO WALLACE WEAVING STARTS UP SUNGLASSES CHAIN TO HUGE SUCCESS

WAS WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE GAY? THE DEBATE RAGES ON

MICHAEL ANDREW FOX CLAIMS THAT 'J' IN SCREEN NAME DOES NOT STAND FOR 'JELLO', GOES AFTER RANDOM FAN FOR SAYING SO

ART STUDENT CLAIMS THAT PAINT TURNED INTO A HOOLOOVOO, A SUPER-INTELLIGENT SHADE OF BLUE FROM THE HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

MICHAEL JACKSON FALLS INTO WASHING MACHINE, COMES OUT WHITER THAN BEFORE

NEW STAR WARS MOVIE RELEASED: THE BUNSEN BURNER STRIKES BACK

STEVEN SPIELBERG SHAVES, SHOCKS THE WORLD

EDWIN RODMAN SERLING TURNS IN GRAVE UPON RELEASE OF FOURTH TWILIGHT ZONE REMAKE (Cue Twilight Zone theme)

NOBODY KNOWS WHO STEVEN PETRARCA IS, MUAHAHAHAHA

SCHOOLGIRL CLAIMS THAT KURT WAGNER IS THE GREATEST, CLASSMATES SMACK FOREHEAD

JAMES EUGENE CARREY HAS A FUNNY NAME

CRISPIN HELLION GLOVER HAS A FUNNY NAME TOO

MARGARET MARY EMILY ANNE HYRA HAS A REALLY LONG FULL NAME

NEW MATRIX MOVIE RELEASED: THOMAS A. ANDERSON AND THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING CUTLERY

WILLIAM HUNG LEARNS TO SING IN TUNE, GETS DITCHED BY ANGRY FANS WORLDWIDE

JOHN TOWNER WILLIAMS PROCLAIMED BEST COMPOSER OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY BY YET ANOTHER SCHOOLGIRL

PSYCHO JAILED FOR SIMULTANEOUSLY TREADING WATER IN THE RIVER AND SINGING NURSERY RHYMES BACKWARDS OUT OF TUNE

X-MEN FAN SAYS THAT PYRO IS HOT AND ICEMAN IS COOL

STAR WARS FAN CLAIMS THAT HAN IS HOT, YODA IS COOL, AND LUKE IS LUKEWARM

STUDENT SQUISHES CLASSMATE FOR NOT COMING FOR GROUP WORK MEETING, TURNS CLASSMATE INTO PANCAKE, THEN EATS CLASSMATE WITH LOTS OF MAPLE SYRUP TO TASTE

CROP CIRCLES DISCOVERED TO BE CREATED BY FANS OF SIGNS ARMED WITH A TIME MACHINE AND A GIGANTIC CROP-FLATTENER THINGY

THE LORD OF THE RINGS FAN CLAIMS THAT JOHN RONALD REUEL TOLKIEN VISITED HIM ON APRIL FOOLS' DAY AND LEFT HIM ONE MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF TOILET PAPER

ELIJAH JORDAN WOOD SWIMS IN THE JORDAN RIVER, BY A WOOD - SPARKS PUNSTERS ATTENTION

TOBIAS VINCENT MAGUIRE ATTRIBUTES ARACHNOPHOBIA TO SPIDERMAN MOVIES AND VOWS NEVER TO MAKE ANOTHER ONE

THE PEOPLE WHO WROTE ALL THIS THINK THAT CELEBRITIES' FULL NAMES ARE COOL

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