| Bar Jokes |
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| One night stand After a long night buying a foxy woman drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the woman asked Joe in for a nite cap. One thing led to another and before you know it, Joe was naked. After making great love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "no, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear., "Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, "That;s me before the operation. |
| One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky that up ahead Earl. It's the po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers! "Don't worry Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these here beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. " Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir,"said Earl. We're on the patch. |
| A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for fifty bucks." He puts down his drink and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two fives, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says,"Here.....paint my house. |
| A man walks up to the bartender and says,"I bet you $100 that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop. The bartender laughs and tells him that it is suck an impossible bet, that he'd take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak. He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender. The bartender asks him what is so funny when ge just obviously lost so badly. The mnan replies, "I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!" |
| A nasty, sweaty amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks,"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams down his hand on the bar and says,"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink! The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink. A little while later, after she is done she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking,"What man out there wants to buy a lady a drink. Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says,"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink! After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina. |
| The devil walks into a crowded bar. Within seconds the bar emptied with people running out screaming all over the place, all except for one old man leaned over the bar. The devil wanders across to the old man and says, "Do you know who I am?" The old man took another drink of his beer and answered, "Yep" The devil stared at the old man and asked "Well aren't you afraid of me?" The old boy looks the devil up and down for a minute and shrugs, " I married your sister 40 years ago, why the hell should I be scared of you? |
