I stay awake from thoughts of stress pounding me... tormenting me...
When all I really wanna do is go to bed and lay next to you, and watch you sleep...
And breathe... and somehow find peace
But I can't do that
And now I can't sleep... I don't want you to think I'm lazy...
Wondering who will pay the bills this month
Knowing that it won't be us...
All the "adult" plans ended the moment I came back, and realized I didn't wanna be here...
He doesn't think I wanna be anywhere
So I'll try to make you happy... maybe I'll cook you lunch and clean the house
Till no doubt my spark of energy will go out
And I'll just wanna lay about... and float away... with thoughts... its all gonna be okay
Imagine that
My life feels as if its tearing us apart
And I can't make it right
I do my soul searching at nite
12 hours is took to stay awake
Its too much of the world to intake
No matter...how many pills that I take
When I find myself elsewhere than just here... I'll let you know and give all to you again
Being here... ruined me...
What if I never recover...
If you got lonely I wouldn't blame if you left home... living with me...must be living with a ghost...
THEY ruined me...
TOOK me away from you... and led me to midjudge all the things I called mine
And now the misconceptions of the past are very clear
But the ones now remain fogged and in the dim rear lighting
So I'll pop another pill...and try to stay concious for you... even tho these days...sleep as been so much.... easier
� 2003 Skandelous LaLa (All rights reserved)
Sick and Tired....of BEING
i'm tired of caring
and i'm too tired to fight
i'm tired of slamming the dishes into the cupboard hoping to wake you up so i can scream and yell
i'm tired of all the work i've done trying to keep everyone happy
i'm tired of not being happy myself
and i'm tired from my throat feeling like its closing up from all the cigarettes i've smoked while trying to make sense of this life
i'm sick of asking all the questions knowing all i'll get is lies in return
i''ve tried to do everything right....in return i just get burned
nothing left to say....maybe all i can do is look at you with sad eyes and let you know how much you've hurt me
i do all the dishes and hang up the clothes..hoping that will make you love me..cuz i keep your house clean
maybe i'll quit eating too so i can fit into a size 2 jeans.
and get breast implants...maybe i'll fit the perspective of what you want in your dreams
sick of playing superwoman....i would just rather collaspe in a big heap of rachel and have them wheel me out to a pretty room with rubber walls i can bounce off of...
mushy words never fix it.....
neither do expensive things
neither do talking of dreams that will never be
succumbed to silence i sit in write
sick of everyone in this life
thinking their this and saying that
fuck you all i'm sick of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not really...
if i didn't need you i wouldn't truly be sad
i truly wouldn't exhaust myself over it if i could just pick up and go
and pretend nothing in this life matters
maybe things will go right..
next lifetime?
subconciously hoping there is no such thing tho.
don't wanna experience human emotions again.
never again.
� 2003 Skandelous LaLa (All rights reserved)
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