It was all about me, what I wanted, and I was out to get it no matter what. Not caring who I hurt in the process... As long as I got what I wanted... nothing and nobody else mattered...
Suddenly that reality shattered... as day by day my belly grew fatter and fatter... a new life inside... being happy and sad both at the same time...
Thre was too much stress... in HER best interest, from present reality I left. I wanted HER to be healthy and not affected by my life bing a mess. Why are you doing this Rachel? You had such a bright future, now you pratically threw it away... And all I can say.. It's all for HER, All for HER...
I'd get pissed everytime I'd drive by his house, I wanted to get out and scream and shout... Here I am struggling everyday, why can't you just be responsible!... yet those words I never say.
He never knew what I was really going thru... Cuz I covered it up with fake smiles and fake laughs... he had his whole life and me... I was trapped... and sometimes I swear he could've never loved HER like I did... he never sacraficed his entire life for his kid... everything... it was all for HER, All for HER
Now my heart remains nothing but cold splinteres, cuz death kissed HER lips in the bitterness of winter... Nothing will ever be the same... I'll forever be changed.. by an angel and Maria is her name. Life, its gone... but HER soul remains strong... I'm so torn and broken.. and what I really feel... I've never spoken... Xmas day.. watching my cousin's babies play... listening to my family say... Look at your life now Rachel, you've got nothing... what are you going to do now Rachel...LISTEN! Didn't you know everything I did was for HER! It was all for HER!
This pain will eventually heal... and my heart holds her still... He looks at me... Rach, how are you? I wonder if she had eyes like you. If she was anything like you, then she was too beautiful to be true. He tells me that the decision I made probably wasn't the smartest...
All I wanna do is ask him where he was when life was its hardest. Why wasn't he supporting me and his daughter.. you know what... it doesn't matter...*shrugs*... you'll always be her father.
But don't critisize me for the things that I HAD TO DO! Cuz when I needed you, where was you? It was all for HER, ALL FOR HER!
Now the cold fallwinds wrap around my body and I can taste death once again on my lips. And to HER, back my memory slips. I look to the sky where I know she is... for strength to get thru the day... hold my head up high as for my decision I pay. Nobody really knows, but let them assume... cuz for their assumptions my heart has no room. There is no physical evidence of what remains to be the truth... but the truth remains... not for an instant would I do over again... you and they can critisize me, but it will never change the fact I did it all for her.
And now I aspire to be, an inspiration woman, for HER to be proud of me... So I walk into this building.. to this life I don't want to be part of.. yet I feel as if I shine... with her soul still a part of mine... And I continue on... It is all for HER.
� 2001 Skandelous LaLa (All rights reserved)
To Baliegh...1 year since her death
Dear Angel above in the sky, do you comfort us as tears we cry?
I can't imagine a more beautiful angel, an angel from the day you were born
I almost envy you, never having to suffer the realities of this harsh world
I met you, only to watch you fly to Heaven's sky.. but I was never angry at the fact that you died...
For I always knew the answer to the question why
You were too good for this earth
God held you in His arms from the day of your birth
And tho your tiny body was hooked to machines
In reality you were already watching over us with brand new angel wings
It would have been selfish for us to ask you to stay
For up to Heaven you went away, already knowing your way
And when I held you in my arms... your little body so light... I knew already that your soul was in flight
I never thought I would ever experience holding an angel in my arms, but that warm October day I did...
Completely unaware that the world was still turning around me as I had an angel in my arms, gazed into her face, and stroked her tiny hand
It was hard to watch you fade away...
I wish you could have stayed...
But I took comfort in knowing, you were already an angel that day
I know God is holding you in His arms, and you will forever be safe from harm
Know forever that you'll have a mommy and daddy that loves you
Life takes its twists and turns, things aren't what they'd be if you were here
And it breaks my heart to know... so soon... you would've been one year
But I won't cry for the past and for what we no longer have...
We won't mourn your death, but instead celebrate your life, as an Angel in the Sky
� 2001 Skandelous LaLa (All rights reserved)
Page 11