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| Watch for ice March 4, 2009 by Moe Diggity Note to self: Before taking the ice at next week's game, remember to remove both skateguards from skates. Geez... Just two strides into the pre-game warmup and I was already flat on my back. Seems there's no traction when you're trying to skate with a cloth skateguard still on one of your skates. C'mon though -- tell me it hasn't happened to everyone at least once in their recreational hockey careers. No? Okay, then maybe it's just me... Now, my teammates could've been supportive by helping me up, or asking me if I was alright, or acting like they didn't notice... or they could've been pricks about the whole thing by laughing their asses off and talking about the unfortunate incident behind my back well after the warmup was over and the game had started. Of course, they chose the latter. What they didn't know is that this was old hat for a guy like me. This wasn't the first time it had happened, nor will it probably be the last! Actually, since I started with the Moes back in 1997, this is the third time an event like this has taken place and its only made me stronger. I remember the first time it happened I didn't know what hit me! All I knew was that my right skate blade wasn't digging into the ice surface and I fell like a ton of bricks when I tried pushing off my right skate. I got up and tried again... and fell again. The fact that I had just sharpened my skates prior to that game set off thoughts that the guy that did the sharpening had fucked them up somehow. I got up once more, tried to skate to the exit and fell again. At this point, I believe thoughts of trying to crawl off the ice surface on my hands and knees were running rampant in my head. Fortunately, one of the Chins was skating out onto the ice at that moment and nonchalantly said "uh... your skateguard is still on". I've learned from my past mistakes and humiliation and have now devised a checklist of sorts when incidents like these occur... Step 1: Ask yourself the following question... Were you drinking excessively before the game with Moe Bailey? If 'Yes'... No need to proceed. If 'No'... Proceed to Step 2. Step 2: Check skates for skateguard(s)... Did you find one? If 'Yes'... No need to proceed. If 'No'... Go back to Step 1 -- and don't lie this time! This checklist may not work for everyone so I've gone and and made some revisions for a few of my fellow teammates in the event that this should ever happen to them... Moe Foe... Step 1: Were you toking excessively before the game with Moe Skeeto? Step 2: If 'No'...Check skates for skateguard(s) Moe Mawwk... Step 1: Did you fall intentionally to get sympathy sex from any of the waitresses that are in love with your English accent? Step 2: If 'No'...Check skates for skateguard(s) Moe Lovin... Step 1: Were you vacuuming the house excessively and did you possibly throw out your back causing you to fall? Step 2: If 'No'...Check skates for skateguard(s) And so on and so on... While the only sure-fire way to prevent an event like this from ever occurring is to not wear skateguards in the first place, I choose to laugh in the face of Danger and will continue to wear them. Unfortunately for me, Danger, so far, has had the last laugh. Score: Screaming Eagles 6 - Moes 5 |
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