This is the Pongwiffy page. Pongwiffy is the main character in a hilarious series of books. Pongwiffy is a witch in a coven who hates goblins + loves skunk stew.

This is pongwiffy on the cover of her 1st book.

The small furry animal perched on her hat is

Her hamster, Hugo.

Pongwiffy Links

As with just about all the links in Free Red Squares + Chocolate @ the minute, there's not very many.

Extract from "Pongwiffy + the Holiday of Doom" (as pictured above)

In this book, Pongwiffy + the witches decide 2 put on a pantomime 2 raise some money 4 x-mas. Pongwiffy + her familiar, Hugo (well Hugo mostly) wrote the script. Pongwiffy's even said she'll direct and produce the panto 2. The reason y there r so all the witches r playing strange characters is b-coz they all chose wat characters they wanted 2 b + then Pongwiffy (well, Hugo really) wrote a pantomime that included all of them.

Gaga is an extremley over entusisatic witch who is totally insane, Macabre is a patriotic and agressive Scottswoman, Agglebag + Bagaggle r shy identical twins, Ratsnappy is a grumpy and stroppy witch, Bendyshanks is a good-natured witch + Sharkadder is a fashionable witch who is never seen without her make up + is Pongwiffy's best friend. Sourmuddle is the dopey leader of the coven. Dudley is Sharkadder's familar (a piratical cat who spent 1 of is 9 lives on a pirate ship), Vernon is Ratsnappy's familiar (an irritable rat), Steve is Bandyshank's snake + Rory is Macabre's Haggis. Right now rehearsals r underway....

Chapter 9 - Rehearsals

In Witchway Hall, a rehearsal was in progress. The current scene was a big, troublesome one, involving Lady Macbeth, half the Pantomime Horse, the lost Babes, Cleopatra, the Pied Piper, Dick Whittington and the Fairy. As always, there was a lot of arument going on,mainly around the question of Lady Macbeth's transport. Macabre was flatly refusing 2 ride half a Pantomime Horse, claiming that she was a serious actress and it would make her look ridiculous. Gaga was prancing around in the wings, practising blowing through her nostrils.

"You've got to" said Pongwiffy wearily. "I've ordered the horse suit. I've written it in. Look, i6t's there in the script. "Enter Lady Macbeth on half a Pantomime Horse." That's what Gaga wanted to be and I had to write her in somewhere. You don't want to do Gaga out of her part, do you? She's looking forward to it, aren't you Gaga?"

Gaga snorted eagarly and pawed the ground.

"Lady Macbeth wouldnay ride half a horse", objected Macabre. "It's noo in her character. Anyway, it's noo possible tay ride half a horse. There has tay be a front end. For the reins.," objected Macabre. "It's noo in her character. Anyway, it's noo possible tay ride half a horse. There has tay be a front end. For the reins."

Pongwiffy sighed. The question of the horse's front end had been bothering her too. She kept pushing it away, hoping a solution would present itself - but so far none had. The trouble was, nobody wanted to be zipped into a dark, stuffy skin with an over-excited Gaga at their rear, doing goodness knows what. And who could blame them?

"Ah'm ridin' Rory," announced Macabre. "Ah always ride Rory. He's mah haggis an' ah'm ridin' him."

Dead on cue, Rory trotted from the wings and stood pawing the ground and shaking his orange fringe, doing his best fiery steed impersonation. Macabre climbed on his back and glared down stubbornly.

"All right!" snapped Pongwiffy, exasperated. "All right, have it your own way. "Enter Lady Macbeth riding a haggis." Happy now? Don't worry, Gaga, I'll fit you in somehow. Tell you what, we'll give you a whole little scene of your own in front of the curtain. While the scenery's being changed. You can do a funny dance. All right?

Gaga cantered in small, enthusiastic circles.

"Now, can we get on?" sighed Pongwiffy. "Please?" We've only got until Saturday, you know. Take your places on the stage twins, and wait for your cue. Remember, you're tied together with rope. You've been kidnapped. You're frightened. Right, fire away, Macabre. Give it all you've got."

Macabre fancied herself as an actress. She uttered a bloodcurdling cackle and shook her fist before launching into her big speech.

"The Babes are mine, there is no doubt.

And then Ah will come back to gloat. Ha, ha, ha!"

"Very good, Macabre," said Pongwiffy. "Very sinister. Right, you tie the Babes to a tree, then go off to find a pencil. Go on, twins. It's your big moment."

Agglebag and Bagaggle cleared their throats, clutched each other for mutual support, then spoke in chorus.

And they looked at each other and giggled.

"Not bad, not bad," said Pongwiffy. "Try not to laugh though. Right, now you lie down under some leaves and go to sleep and have a dream about Cleopatra. Where's Bendyshanks?"

"Here!" shouted the Queen of the Nile eagerly and bounded on. Slithering Steve was draped around her neck, doing his best to look like a poisonous asp.

"Say your bit, then," ordered Pongwiffy.

She then produced a tambourine and capered around the stage, doing a series of unusual leg-wavings. The twins forgot they were supposed to be dreaming and sat up to watch in fascination. Bendyshanks leapt about until she was purple in the face, then ended up doing the splits.

"So what d'you think?" she said.

"You still need to work on it a bit," advised Pongwiffy. "Make it a bit more Egyptian. Try and be more exotic, Steve. Forget grass snake. Think Python."

"I was," said Steve miserably.

"We'll try again shall we?" said Bendyshanks, eager as a puppy.

"No, no. Once is quite enough. We need to move on. Where are we in the script, Hugo?

" "Cleopatra exits to rapturous applause, " " supplied Hugo doubtfully.

"Right. "Enter Pied Piper and Dick." "

"At last!" cried Ratsnappy and Sharkadder, hurrying on to the stage with Vernon and Dudley at their heels.

"Waht about the fairy?" piped up Sourmuddle, sounding impatient. "I've been waiting for ages. I am Grandwitch, you know"

"Soon," hissed Pongwiffyfrom between gritted teeth. "She's coming on soon. Right, off you go, you two. Say your lines."

Ratsnappy cleared her throat and stepped forward.

"You weren't expecting me, I'll bet.

We'll find those Babes, where e'er they went."

She gave a deep bow and Vernon did likewise. Sharkadder elbowed them aside, swaggered forward with Dudley at her heels and slapped her thigh.

"And I am Dick, the hero bold.

With sword in hand and long green tights."

"Talking about tights, Pong, when are the costumes arriving? I can't quite get in role unless I look the part."

"They're due to arrive this evening," said Pongwiffy, to cries of great excitement. "But you're not allowed to wear them yet," she added. "Not until the dress rehearsal tomorrow. Right, let's get on, shall we? Start looking for the Babes. Off you go."

Sharkadder and Ratsnappy began prowling about the stage, trying hard to avoid trampling over the twins' recumbent forms.

"No sign of them! Not one small clue!

Oh, Dick, whatever shall we do?"

declaimed Ratsnappy, treading heavily on Agglebag's finger. A most unBabe-like word came from beneath the pile of paper leaves.

"We must go on, that much is clear,

Although I fear they are not here,"

Sharkadder informed her, stumbling over Bagaggle's foot.

Pongwiffy sighed. This was stretching the audience's credulity to the utmost limits.

"You're not supposed to discover them yet," she explained. "It's hardly very realistic if you keep tripping over them is it? Right, Macabre, ready for your entrance?"

Macabre was. Mounted on Rory, she cantered on to the stage, brandishing a home-made cardboard sword.

"Aha! Ah know your cunning plan!

You hero types are all the same!"

So saying, she dismounted and advanced upon the Pied Piper and Dick, whirling her sword around her head. The two bold heros flinched and backed away uncertainly.

"Go on," yelled Pongwiffy. "Fight! This is a big action scene."

"There's not enough room," objected Ratsnappy. "Not with Ag and Bag lying all over the place."

"Anyway, she's got a sword," Sharkadder pointed out. "We haven't got our swords yet. It's not fair."

Macabre threw away her sword and adopted a boxing stance.

"Ah dinnay need a sword," she informed them. "Ah'll pulverize ye wi' me bare hands. Put yer fists up ye pair o' softies."

"That's not in the script Macabre," said Pongwiffy. You're the baddy. You're supposed to lose, remember?"

But Macabre was enjoying herself. The famous fighting spirit for which the Macabre clan was renowned for was up and ready to do battle. She forgot she was supposed to be acting. Fantasy and reality became blurred and she advance, fists flailing.

Ratsnappy hastily stepped back and tripped over Vernon, who collided with Dudley, who banged into Sharkadder, who fell heavily on to the missing Babes. Everyone went down in a heap and Macabre sat triumphantly on the top.

"There," she said emphatically. "That's got that sorted."

"Does the Fairy come on now?" inquired Sourmuddle plaintively.

Pongwiffy and Hugo raised their eyes to heaven.

"I thinkwe've done this scene enough for today," said Pongwiffy. "Break everybody. We'll all go home for tea. But I shall expect you back here tonight to rehearse the final scene. Yes, Sourmuddle that's you. We're going to do all the songs and dances again as well. Make sure you're on time, because I'm paying the Rhythm Boys overtime."

There was a united sigh of relief and a surge towards the door. Bendyshanks got there first.

"I say everyone," she said peering out. "Guess what? It's snowing."

And, sure enough, it was.