Signs
to Look for in an Abusive Personality
Many
women are interested in knowing ways that they can predict whether someone
may be physically abusive. Below are a list of behaviours that are seen
in people who beat their partners; the last four signs on the list are
almost always seen only if the person is a batterer. In some cases,
a batterer may have only a couple of behaviours that the woman can recognize,
but they are very exaggerated (i.e.. extreme jealousy over ridiculous
things). Initially the batterer will try to explain unacceptable
behaviour
as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first;
but as time goes on, the behaviours become more severe and serve to dominate.
1. Jealousy:
At the beginning of a relationship, an
abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love: jealousy has
nothing to do with love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.
The abuser will question her about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting,
or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children.
As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her repeatedly at work
(or home) or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her
work for fear she will meet someone else, or exhibit other strange
behaviours
(like checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her).
2. Controlling
Behaviour: At
first the batterer will say that this behaviour is because of concern
for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to
make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the woman is "late"
coming back from the store or an appointment, or will question her closely
about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behaviour
gets worse, the abuser may not let the women make personal decisions
about the house, her clothing or going to church, may keep all the money
or even require she ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. Quick
Involvement: Many
battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before
they were engaged or living together. The abuser comes on like
a whirlwind, "you are the only person I could ever talk to",
I have never felt loved like this by "anyone". The abuser's
need is desperate and will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship.
4. Unrealistic
Expectations: The
abuser becomes dependent on the woman for all needs expects her to be
the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend. The abuser will say things
like "If. you love me, I am all you need, you are all I need."
The woman is automatically expected to know each emotional and physical
need of the abuser.
5. Isolation:
The abuser attempts to isolate the woman
from all personal and social resources. If she has men friends,
she is a "whore"; if she has women friends, she is a lesbian;
if she is close to family, she is tied to apron strings. The abuser
claims that people who are supportive of her are troublemakers and may
want to live in the country without a phone, or may not let use the
car, or try to keep her from working or going to school.
6. Blames
Others for Problems: If
the abuser is chronically unemployed, it is always someone else's fault.
The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the woman for being distracting
or upsetting. The woman may be blamed for anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames
Others for own Feelings: The
abuser will tell the woman "you make me mad," "you're
hurting me by not doing what I ask," "I can't help being angry."
The abuser will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to recognize
are claims such as "you make me happy". The message
in each case is "you control how I feel".
8. Hypersensitivity:
The abuser is easily insulted and claims
that feelings are "hurt" when actually s/he's really angry,
or the abuser interprets the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.
The abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things
that have happened - things that are really just part of living like
being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that
something he does is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty
to Animals or Children: The
batterer may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain;
or may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their
ability (whips a two year old for wetting their diaper) or may tease
young children until they cry. (60% of men who beat their partners,
also beat their children). The abuser may refuse to interact with the
children by not allowing them to eat at the table or expecting them
to stay in their rooms in the evenings.
10. "Playful"
Use of Force in Sex : The
abuser may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex, or
may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless.
The idea of rape may excite the abuser. The abuser may show little concern
about whether the woman wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to
manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with
the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
11. Verbal
Abuse: In
addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the
abuser may verbally degrade the woman by cursing her or diminishing
her accomplishments. The abuser may tell her that she's stupid
and unable to function on her own. This may involve waking her
up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.
12. Rigid
Sex Roles: The
batterer expects a woman to serve him; and may require that she stay
at home, that she obey in all things - even things that are criminal
in nature. The abuser sees women as inferior, and unable to be a whole
person without a relationship.
13. Dr.
Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde:
Many women are confused by their abuser's sudden change in mood -- they
will describe the abuser's behaviour as "nice" one minute,
but the next minute "explosive" or "crazy".
Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of batterer's and are related
to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
14. Past
Battering: The
batterer may admit to hitting previous partners, but will blame their
partner for provoking the attacks. The woman may hear from relatives
or ex-spouses of previous abuse. The fact is, a batterer will beat any
partner: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.
15. Threats
of Violence: This
would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman.
"I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll
break your neck." Most intimate partners do not threaten
their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behaviour by saying
"everybody talks like that".
16. Breaking
or Striking Objects: This
behaviour is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is
mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser
may beat on tables with fists, throw objects around or near the woman.
Again, this is remarkable behaviour in that only immature people beat
on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them.
17. Any
Force During an Argument: This
may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining
her from leaving the room, or pushing or shoving. (The abuser may hold
the woman against a wall and say "you're going to listen to me".
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