Before you sign on the dotted line…

A wise person once said that the most horrific people present themselves as upstanding citizens before the criminal courts and the most credible people present themselves horrifically in family court.

On September 6th a Toronto woman was stabbed by her estranged husband in the Fairview Mall parking lot while their young son looked on. A footnote to the media report was that the couple have had ongoing custody disputes and would not disclose the name of the couple to protect the identify of the child. It is almost certain that there was pre-existing evidence that the man could or would escalate. If so, and if the victim reported her concerns, who listened and who was prepared to act?

If one or both parents profess deep love and devotion to their child and are fighting for fair access rights, why would one (or both) deliberately expose the child or children to violence, stress and trauma?

Everything is not always as it appears in custody disputes and relationship breakdowns. There are often subtle and covert reasons to avenge an ex-spouse and the most successful strategy is the semblance of parental rights.

Separation and a pending divorce are never easy and emotions run high in all situations. Couples who act responsibly by resolving issues objectively, fairly and respectfully in the best interests of their child or children can get on with their lives where time heals the wounds.

Unfortunately, mud-slinging court battles, abductions, stabbings, assaults and in the worst case scenario’s murder’s make headline news. Child custody disputes supersede an adults ability to be rationale and focused on the needs of the child or children involved.

The custody issues often become a power play between the parents and also all too often where one estranged spouse has pushed the other to the wall and the only alternative to move forward and protect parent rights is to push back.

There are situations where court decisions are the only way to resolve disputed differences. However, many spouses use the legal system to keep the other spouse emotionally, psychologically and financially tied to the estranged partner and under their control. Realistically the only benefactors of legal battles and court proceedings are the lawyers, mediators and related affiliates.

It is common knowledge that lawyers look at marital conflicts as the ‘norm’ and do not care or have the training and foresight look ‘ beyond the box’ to what might be the ‘real’ reason for the ongoing disputes.

Where many persons have praised their legal representatives for representing their best interests effectively and efficiently there are equally as many persons who feel their lawyers unfairly represented them and they have little recourse to rectify the error’s they signed on the recommendation of their lawyers.

Therefore, all the more important for mistreated and maltreated spouses to pay particular attention to what they are agreeing to before they sign on the dotted line.

Judges are reluctant to alter or revoke any agreement entered into after the fact. They have demonstrated to date that they are only interested in breaches and/or verifiable acts of physical or sexual abuse. Emotional abuse is not taken seriously whether the abuse is levied against the adult or the child. Emotional and financial abuse is also not as tangible as physical violence and can cunningly be disguised and made to appear to victim are over-wrought and mentally unstable.

Most often only one of the parties has the ability to continue to finance the cost of ongoing litigation leaving the other party entrapped in a child custody arrangement that might be wide open to continual abuse through various methods.

Various victims (in most cases female) have sought consultations regarding just such situations. Ms. ‘A” has 3 children and had suffered many years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of her volatile spouse. He would provoke her to the point that he wouldn’t allow her to sleep until she conceded to his demands whether it was a decision or a sexual act. She eventually left and went to a shelter and it took over three years for her to get sole custody of her children and have him exposed as using the children to control her.

Ms. “B” has sole custody of her young daughter and her spouse had supervised access. Mr. ‘B” also had stringent probation conditions due to his assaults and death threats. He manipulated the courts to amend the conditions and within hours breached, told his daughter he was going to kill her mother and described the method. Ms. ‘B’ and her child are now under supervised protection.

Ms.’C” left her spouse due to abuse, and within days her abuser had alleged his spouse had serious mental health issues such as Munchausen's by proxy. He called Child Protection Services who acted immediately on his allegation, seized the child under a protection order and gave the minor child to the abuser. It took over $10,000. for the victim to have the allegations dismissed by a qualified psychiatrist all the while her spouse was asking for a reconciliation. The case is still before the courts.

Ms. “D” signed off Minutes of Settlement on the advise of her lawyer which gave her controlling and calculating spouse final say on all issues regarding their minor child. The child is traumatized each day due to decisions made and insisted upon by the father such as the daycare provider. Efforts to amend the settlement to date have been fruitless and evidence indicates she will be before the courts for years to come in an attempt to amend or terminate the terms she was legally advised to enter into.

Ms. “E” was psychologically terrorized into forfeiting custody of her infant son by physical assaults and death threats against herself, her other children and her family. Ms. '‘E” has been before the courts for years attempting to reverse the order.

Ms. “F” left her abusive husband with two children and sought the protection of a battered women’s shelter only to have her children illegally apprehended within hours by a child protection agency. She fought years to have the apprehension vilified and the custody reversed. Her children will need years of therapy based on the ‘brain-washing’ they experienced from their father.

All of the above are women who hold responsible positions and have found themselves to be in mentally, financially and physically exhausting situations that they live each day in an effort to protect their children. Some have been fiscally pillaged during the relationship and through legal costs.

In each case, although the fathers may love their children in their own way, their primary goal is to avenge their ex-partner by using the child or children of the relationship as the bargaining chip.

If you are in a legal custody power play…. beware of signing any agreement unless you are sure that both you and your child’s best interests have been served and your rights protected.

Do not allow yourself to be coerced, rushed or intimidated into signing any agreement to expedite the process for your lawyer. If need be seek a second opinion.

Once you agree to terms of settlement and sign the agreement it is legally binding and there is no ‘simple’ recourse.

Barbara Mills
Toronto based
Domestic Violence Consultant
Lecturer and Freelance Writer
www.geocities.com/sis_selfhelp