Child Custody, Domestic Violence & Divorce

• A domestic violent perpetrator has unlimited access to his victim(s) within the confines of the home. Once the victimization has been exposed and made public the abuser uses various methods to exonerate himself from the responsibility of his actions and attempts to reverse the responsibility onto the victim.
• Separation from an abuser does not always end the abuse and victims should be prepared to seek assistance from the police and the courts if it continues.
• If there are children involved from the union it is conceivable that both parents will (in most cases) be involved in each other’s lives until the child or children reaches legal age. Therefore, it is important that the victim expects obstacles will be put in her path to make her life difficult.
  • In an effort to minimize and avoid escalating the situation the victim must learn to not ‘re-act’ in front of the abuser and / or his witnesses.
  • That if there is a child access order the victim works within the framework of same she will establish to the court she is respecting and abiding by the terms of the order wherein the abuser is not.
  • That any variance of the order by the abuser be reported to the courts and / or her legal advisor.
  • That if the abuser is verbally abusive and/ or threatening at child access exchanges that the victim should arrange for access to be done at a child access center or by a third party.
• Even in the event that the victim gets sole custody and a ‘no contact’ order from the courts, this does not mean the abuser will forfeit what he perceives to be his parental rights. In the event there is a violation of the court order it should be reported to the authorities immediately.

Where violence is the predetermining factor in the break-up of the relationship the abuser may use the children in an effort to regain or assert further control over the other parent.

Remember: Domestic violence is not about love but about power and control based on a misconception that women and children are personal property.

Note: In case circumstances where domestic assaults are isolated offences, the victims may still leave the relationship on a temporary or permanent basis. The abuser in return identifies and accepts responsibility for his actions and strives to change for the betterment of his relationship with both his partner and their children. This portion of our web-site is not relevant to these scenarios.

Laws vary from Province to Province and from State to State so it is always in the best interest(s) of the victim and her children to seek the aid of a lawyer who is well versed on the dynamics and complexities of spousal abuse. If the victim cannot afford a lawyer she should seek legal aid. Whatever the situation she should not represent herself in court.

The following information is to prepare women for what they ‘might’ experience. It is our philosophy that it is better to prepare a person for what may ‘never’ transpire then it is to leave a person open to the trauma, frustration and fear in the event that it does.

This does not mean that if a woman is battered and at risk that she should fear:

• Leaving the relationship
• Losing her child/ren to the abuser
• OR allow herself to be discouraged and remain in the volatile relationship.

Threats to take away a child or alienate them from the non-abusive partner should not impede the victim from seeking and gaining joint or sole custody when it is deemed safe to do so.

These threats are made in an effort to intimidate the victim into believing that the courts will rule in favour of the abuser and against the victim. It is a ploy to get the victim to remain in the relationship and should be seen as a threat versus what can and will actually happen.

Some women have been subjected to lengthily court delays and various motions put before the courts making the process more stressful and arduous.

The following are examples of what abusers may do in an effort to either regain or maintain control over the victim:

• Minimize the abuse on a short term basis or until the victim returns.
• Harass or stalk the victim
• Escalate the violence - This may happen also if the accused is court mandated to counselling
• Threats to take the children and/or fight for sole custody
• Harassment intended to coerce the victim to dismiss the proceedings, return to the relationship or recant previous testimony.
• Increased threats towards the victim and/or her family and friends.
• Following the victim in and out of court. (Intimidation)
• Sending the victim notes or ‘the look’ during court proceedings.
• Present in depth explanations of blaming the victim,
• Statements of profound remorse and devotion to his family.
• Threats of suicide.
• Repeated requests for court delays.
• Requests for changes of counsel or failure to follow through with appointments with counsel.
• Intervening in the delivery of information from and/or for the court to impede the victims attendance.
• Requests for MUTUAL orders of protection as a way to continue control over the victim and manipulate the court.
• Counter Charge the victim for assault or allegations the victim or her family have mental health issues and/or other derogatory allegations.
• Continually test the limits of parenting time or support arrangements e.g. arriving late or not appearing at appointed times.
• Threats and/or initiation of custody fights to gain leverage in negotiations over financial issues and joint property.
• Initiating retaliatory litigation against the victim or others who support the victim.
• Enlisting the assistance of friends and family to put pressure on the victim to recant or return to the relationship ‘in the best interests of the children’.
• Using whatever evidence (real or falsified) to present allegations of the abused parent being unfit and / or having health care issues.
• Attempting parental alienation. This happens when children are told by the abuser “It is all mommies fault we are not together”. ‘Mommy doesn’t love daddy anymore”. Etc.

It takes enormous courage for a person to be and remain prepared to meet the obstacles and the tactics some abusers use as ploys. This is done as a strategy to ‘get even’ by using the child or children.

Based on our experiences as a support group we have identified:

An increase in child custody cases where domestic violence is an issue and where the ‘alleged’ perpetrator had threatened custody if the victim left the relationship.

Once the abuser comes to terms with the fact that the victim is not intending to return to the relationship and is restructuring her life the abuser may either:

1. Rescind or forfeit their petition to the courts
2. Seek custody and support from the abused parent / partner
3. Escalate the threats and stalk the victim.

More victims are speaking out against family violence and identifying what is in the best interests of the child/ren - namely to keep them safe from the abuse and break the cycle of violence.

Through counseling and support groups women are gaining emotional strength and mending their battered self esteem. Support groups are successful as they assist women to identify:

• They are not the fault or deserving of the abuse
• Their emotions are not isolated but shared by all victims
• Verbal degradation is a way of demoralizing a person to submit to emotional control
• Children live what they learn
• That feelings of guilt, shame, remorse are part of the healing process.
• Speaking about the violence helps restore their ability to identify the abuse and speak out against it.

Many women in the groups are very supportive to others who have experienced the same fears and apprehensions. Together they are able to strive to build a new life for themselves and their children.

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We have noted some instances where victims may have be provided misguided information and misconceptions that court mandated ‘anger management’ courses will resolve partner violence.

Victims should not have false illusions that just because a person has been ordered to counseling the problem will be solved and the violence and abuse will end.

Many abusers complete the program by their attendance, but unless they are prepared to accept responsibility for their actions then the course and / or therapy and reason thereof are redundant.

In most cases the abuse continues – but the abuser has learned to manipulate the system in an effort to avoid further criminal charges. It leaves victims feeling let down by the very structure that is there to support them. Victims must always be cognizant of the fact that the abuse is NOT their fault, but the personality of the abuser.

This is not to say that a number of abusers have not benefited from the courses. Many have attended with the best intentions to correct their behavioural pattern. In those scenario’s with ongoing counseling the abuser can change.

For those individuals that don’t want or resent mandated counselling– their time spent in the program(s) will be redundant.

They may actually misdirect their anger at the courts and themselves onto the victim. Once again it becomes everyone’s fault but the abusers.

In most scenario’s the abuser doesn’t have an anger problem…but has identified that anger and tantrums gets positive results and therefore they use anger to instill fear to maintain control of their victim and often their children.

The following are examples of how abusers attempt to malign their ex-partner and regain control of the relationship.

Threatening ‘messy’ custody disputes.
This often happens where threats to bring in the past of the woman prior to their relationship, her families private lives, or even making ‘false’ allegations that the mother has mental health issues.

Contacting Child Protection Agencies:
This ploy has often been used in an attempt to get the authority of the Child Protection Agency on the side of the abuser. In some instances, there is temporary success until such time as the agency identifies through their investigations that the abuser is not what he presents himself to be.

Engaging in lengthily battles over custody, access and other child related decisions:
As the male is usually the person who makes more money through his job he is more likely to use this power to bring several motions before the court in an attempt to emotionally and financially bankrupt the victim. Lawyers need to recognize what is happening and bring the issue to the attention of the courts.

Contact family and friends seeking support through remorse.
This ploy is often used to put pressure on the victim to return to the relationship. A victim often becomes overwhelmed and often believes it might be in the best interests of the children to return and attempt to work out the relationship. REMEMBER: The only true victims and witnesses to the abuse are those that are behind closed doors of the family home.

• Abusers very seldom are abusive towards neighbours, colleagues and family members. In fact, when the violence becomes public, the most often response is: “He appeared to be such a nice man, or “They were such a nice family”.

IF YOUR GUT FEELING TELLS YOU THAT YOU ARE AT RISK. REGARDLESS OF THREATS…HEED YOUR OWN WARNING AND GO TO OR REMAIN IN A SHELTER. Call the police if you receive threats from your abuser and/or any other family member.

Detaining or concealing financial assets:
This is often done to withhold paying support to the mother for the child/ren. The more hardship the woman experiences the more power the abuser feels he has.

Threats to abduct the children and / or withdraw immigration sponsorship of the victim.
Any threat of this sort should be reported to the lawyer if one is retained, or to the police. Depending on where you reside there are also excellent lawyers the work with immigrants to ensure they have access to Immigration Laws.

Parental Alienation:
Abusers often use the time they have with their children to obtain information on / or against the mother. The information is often asked directly or through cunning guises. Children often return home from visits angry at the victimized parent after been told “It is mommies fault we are not a family’. Meanwhile, the children are confused, entrapped in divided loyalty and will often side with the abuser out of fear.

Demanding Unreasonable Access or Not Showing:

• Victims report the abuser taking more interests in the child/ren after the separation. They want to be advised of every school and sport activity to ensure they are present. The women state that prior to the separation the other parent showed little interest but now shows up at all activities, not so much as an interest in the child but to show the victim they are not out of their lives.
• Often victims report the abusers demanding the mother be at a specific time for the child exchange and the abuser either not showing up and/or when returning the children being late without calling. However, if the mother is late there is always an incident and the mother attempts to concede to take away the tension in the presence of the children.

CUSTODY DISPUTES should never be interpreted or allowed to be a battle between two parents. It is about what is best for the child or children, who is the most responsible parent.

WHAT TO DO TO PREPARE YOURSELF:

• Retain a legal advisor and/or seek an experienced advocate
• See if it is in your best interests to seek interim sole custody
• Supervised access
• Seek the support of your Children Protection Agency
• Let your family physician know you have been abused and / or ask that a record be kept of your visits to the doctor due to abuse.
• Join a support group. When you have people who understand you and your experiences it is easier to cope.
• In the event that you have been falsely accused of mental health issues ensure your physician is aware the allegations and arrange for a psychological assessment to rebut the accusation(s).
• If the harassment and /or threats continue or escalate seek protection through a shelter and/or the police.
• If you have already obtained a restraining order, let the police know as the harassment may be deemed in violation of the court order.