Hi! This page contains all the funny quotes I have come across in the Harry Potter series. If you find any quotes that you like, feel free to email them to me. Also, the list of quotes are completely random, and are not sorted in any way. However, even if you haven't read all four of the Harry Potter books, this page doesn't really give any parts of the plot away.

Percy: Mundungus Fletcher's put in a claim for a twelve-bedroomed tent with en-suite jacuzzi, but I've got his number. I know for a fact he was sleeping under a cloak propped on sticks.

Harry: (thinks) Dear Professor Dumbledore, Sorry to bother you, but my scar hurt this morning. Yours sincerely, Harry Potter.

Mr Weasley: They run off eckeltricity, do they? Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs. And batteries. Got a very large collection of batteries. My wife thinks I'm mad, but there you are.

Dumbledore: Enchantingly nasty. I particulary enjoyed your description of me as an obsolete dingbat.

Ron: Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr Crouch ... as I was saying to Mr Crouch ... Mr Crouch is of the opinion ... Mr Crouch was telling me ... They'll be announcing their engagement any day now.

Ron: Viktor? Hasn't he asked you to call him Vicky yet?

Ron: (letter) If they say yes, send Pig back with your answer pronto, and we'll come and get you at five o'clock on Sunday. If they say no, send Pig back pronto and we'll come and get you at five o'clock Sunday anyway.

Fudge: We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing their aunts!

Harry: Wangoballwime?

Ron: Hermione, Neville's right. You are a girl!

Hermione: Just because it's taken 3 years to notice Ron, doesn't mean no one else has spotted I'm a girl.

Krum: Herm-own-ninny

Fred: Anyone can speak troll, all you have to do is point and grunt.

Percy: What do they think they're doing, annoying senior ministry members? No respect!

Maxime: 'Alf-giant? Moi? I 'ave - I 'ave big bones!

Ron: There you go, Harry. You weren't being thick after all. You were showing moral fibre.

Snape: Harry Potter's secret heartache... Dear dear, Potter, what's ailing you now?

Fred: We know Oliver's speech by heart. We were on the team last year.

Sirius: If he's [Crouch] ever taken a day off work before because of illness, I'll eat Buckbeak.

Ron: I think he's [Scabbers] been knocked out. No - I don't believe it - he's gone back to sleep.

Dobby: Harry Potter is brave and noble, and Harry Potter is not nosey!

Letter: You are a WickEd giRL. HaRRy PottEr desErves BetteR. gO Back wherE you cAME from mUggle.

Letter: Your mother killed innocent people and if you had any decency, you'd jump in a lake.

Harry: You don't think anything that Skeeter cow - sorry Professor

Hermione: We attacked a teacher... We attacked a teacher... Oh, we're going to be in so much trouble

Dobby: They has made a mistake in the shop, Harry Potter, they is giving you two the same [socks]!

Dobby: Professor Dumbledore offered Dobby ten Galleons a week, and weekends off, but Dobby beat him down, miss ... Dobby likes freedom, miss, but he isn't wanting too much, miss, he likes work better.

Percy: Last week she was saying we're wasting our time quibbling about cauldron thickness, when we should be stamping out vampires!

Mrs Weasley: Fine. Go naked. And Harry, make sure you get a picture of him. Goodness knows I could do with a laugh.

Ron: Him [Malfoy]! Get to me! As if!

Colin Creevey: Dennis! Dennis! See that boy down there? The one with the black hair and glasses? See him? Know who he is, Dennis?

Ron: Aaaaah, when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry ...

McGonagall: Teach- Moody, is that a student?

Ron: You know her [Pr. Trelawney] - just put in loads of misery, she'll lap it up.

Madam Maxime: Will you please inform zis 'Agrid zat ze 'orses drink only single-malt whisky?

Harry: Parvati? Will you go to the ball with me? ... Lavender - will you go with Ron?

Hermione: He's not even good-looking. They only like him because he's famous! They wouldn't look twice at him if he couldn't do that Wonky Faint thing -

Charlie: I didn't dare tell Mum what he's got to do for the first task, she's already having kittens about him ... How could they let him enter that Tournament, he's much too young! I thought they were all safe, I thought there was going to be an age limit!" She was in floods after that Daily Prophet article about him. "He still cries about his parents! Oh, bless him, I never knew!"

Hermione: All the good-looking ones taking, Ron? Eloise Midgen starting to look quite pretty now, is she? Well, I'm sure you'll find someone somewhere who'll have you.

Ron: Harry, just go down to the lake tomorrow, right, stick your head in, yell at the merpeople to give back whatever they've nicked and see if they chuck it out. Best you can do, mate.

Ron: I told you! I told you not to annoy Rita Skeeter! She's made you out to be some sort of - of scarlet woman!

Harry: Yeah, that's right. I've just been crying my eyes out over my dead mum, and I'm just off to do a bit more ...
Cho Chang: No - it was just - you dropped your quill.

Percy: I just can't justify taking more time off at the moment. Mr Crouch is really starting to rely on me.
George: Yeah, you know what, Percy? I reckon he'll know your name soon.

Ron: But I had my wand hidden up my sleeve. I could've taken those mer-idiots any time I wanted.
Hermione: What were you going to do, snore at them?

George: Ron, can we borrow Pigwidgeon?
Ron: No, he's off delivering a letter. Why?
Fred: Because George wants to invite him to the ball.

Nearly Headless Nick: Now, Ron, the Sorting's much more important than food.
Ron: 'Course it is, if you're dead.

Fudge: You can speak English! And you've been letting me mime everything all day!
Bulgarian Minister: Vell, it vos very funny.

Crouch: The Bulgarians are insisting we add another twelve seats to the Top Box.
Bagman: Oh, is that what they're after? I thought the chap was asking to borrow a pair of tweezers. Bit of a strong accent.

Harry: I think Nick's very - frightening and - er -
Sir Patrcik: Ha! Bet he asked you to say that!

Mr Roberts: There's a bloke walking round in a kilt and a poncho.
Mr. Weasley: Shouldn't he?

Archie: I bought this in a Muggle shop. Muggles wear them.
Ministry wizard: Muggle women wear them, Archie, not the men, they wear these
Archie: I'm not putting them on. I like a healthy breeze round my privates, thanks.

George: Mad-Eye? Isn't he the nutter -
Mrs Weasley: Your father thinks very highly of Mad-Eye Moody.
George: Yeah, well, Dad collects plugs, doesn't he? Birds of a feather...

Lupin: Hermione! What's the matter?
Hermione: P-P-Professor McGonagall! Sh-she said I'd failed everything.

Nevile: And you were the one who told me to stand up to people!
Ron: Yes, but not to us.

Hermione: Devil's Snare, Devil's Snare ... What did Professore Sprout say? It likes dark and damp -
Harry: So light a fire!
Hermione: Yes - of course - but there's no wood!

Ron: He sounds like Percy. Prefect, Head Boy - probably top of every class.
Hermione: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Fred: Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?
Percy: That was a sample of fertiliser from Norway! It was nothing personal
Fred: It was. We sent it.

Ginny: Harry Potter! Look, Mum! I can see -

Vernon: That car's new, he's not sitting in it alone ...

Nevile: She says the crystal ball's told her that, if I tell you, I'll have a horrible accident!

Bagman: Clever move - pity it didn't work.

Ron: Can I look at Uranus, too, Lavender?

Ron: Wild! I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again ... and again ... and again...

Viktor Krum: I van to know vot there is between you and Hermy-own-ninny.

Dumbledore: Alas. Earwax.

Dumbledore: I am not joking, Mr Weasley, though , now you mention it, I did hear an excellent one over the summer about a troll, a hag and a leprechaun who all go into a bar-

Amos: I said to him, I said - Ced, that'll be something to tell your grandchildren, that will ... you beat Harry Potter!

Ron: Worrying about poor 'ickle goblins, now, are you? Thinking of starting up S.P.U.G or something? Society for the Protection of Ugly Goblins?

Wood: We've got three superb Chasers. We've got two unbeatable Beaters. And we've got a Seeker who has never failed to win us a match! And me.

Snape: Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.

Ron:I want to fix that image in my memory forever: Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret.

Ron: Oh - well - he was old. And he was a bit useless. You never know, Mum and dad might get me an owl now.

Ron: [looking into crystal ball] I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.

Wood: So you must onlycatch it if we're morethan fifty points up. Only if we're more than fifty points up, Harry, or we win the match but lose the Cup. You've got that, haven't you? You must only catch the Snitch if we're -

Wood: Told me I'd got my priorities wrong. Seemed to think I cared more about winning the Cup than I do about you staying alive. Just because I told her I didn't care if it threw you off, as long as you caught the Snitch on it first.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.
Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.
Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a Professor.
Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.