NNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHH!!!

**sound of panting as of a dog in the back of a car in a Sainsbury's car park on a very hot day just before the dog DIES of being too hot and panting out all of the fluid in its body**

My anger is great. My rage burns like the sun. SOMEONE is going to get hurt. And that SOMEONE is Hertford College, Oxford.

After the history exam (SOMEONE is getting hurt about that, as well) Mr Taylor approached me and asked me if I wanted to see the letter from Hertford explaining why they didn't want me to come to their disgusting, filth ridden college. I consented.

Dear Mr Taylor [it read]
Thank you for applying Samuel Ward and thank you for the informative reference you provided. We thought you might like to know the reason why we decided not to accept him.
Samuel's written work was graded B+ [ha.]. The discussion dwelt mainly on Jacobean drama, and Samuel dwelt entirely on the morality of the plays. He said that the Changeling featured no decency at all! [I ask you: does it? Well? NO! Of course it doesn't! It is filled with amoral, bitter, murderous, lustful characters and doesn't feature a single positive element. There isn't even a happy ending.] Samuel read The White Devil on the train; which was good. He didn't have much to say about it; which was bad. [What?! Reading a complex play on the frigging train which is stopping all the frigging time and you have to keep frigging getting out of the frigging train and standing for hours in the frigging cold isn't FRIGGING easy! Someone is going to get hurt at Railtrack too, you mark my words!]
We try to make the interview process as pleasant as possible for the candidate and ask for your feedback as to how to make the process better. Thank you. [Oh I'll tell you. I'll tell you alright. Do something about your face, you ugly turd. Fat, smelly and disgusting. In fact, if getting in means being taught by you for three years in close quarters in your horrid little office with its odd carpet and its "Hilarious" cat clock then I'm actually quite relieved. Cow. You were cross dressing, weren't you?]

Prof. Emma Somethingorother, Hertford College Oxford

This is, more or less, what it said. Any variation comes from the fact that the real letter was probably much more sarcastic and unpleasant. The worst thing is that the letter goes into my record at school. This means that I'll have to break into the office and remove it before it reaches the hands of future employers, who may take the sarcasm as an indicator of incompetence of some sort.

The question is, what am I going to do to relieve my bitter and resentful rage? I am going to go back to Oxford and STEAL as much as I can from Hertford. And drink some more hobgoblin ale. The plan is as follows: I can march into the gates of Hertford, and so long as I look confident no one will stop me. I go up to the meal of my choice (breakfast, lunch or dinner). I offer one of my meal slips (I still have 5 left) and take as much food as I can carry. Upon leaving I will take as much cutlery and crockery as I think I can get away with. I will go to the porter's lodge, ask them the tie, and swipe some paper, pens, etc. I will steal a plant from the quad. etc.

Come with me to Oxford, and steal as much as you can carry!

Sam "Bitter and Vengeful" Ward


Come back later and I'll have a check list detailing exactly what I'll steal from Hertford, and in summer I'll post photos of my good self in the process of doing so! Yipee!