Shoplift

1. Put on a trench coat. It should be shabby, with enormous hidden pockets. Ask yourself: Could I smuggle an immigrant into the country in this coat? If the answer is Yes then it is suitable for the task in hand.

2. Enter a shop. Any shop will do, just so long as it sells suitcases.

3. Ask the Sales Assistant / Customer Help / Till Monkey / Whatever for help with your purchase. You should ask for a BIG suitcase.

4. When you are asked for a more accurate size description, explain that you need a case big enough to carry, oh, I don't know, a body, or something.

5. When a suitcase is presented, look doubtful. Ask the till monkey if he could possibly, if it's not too much trouble, get into the suitcase, just to check.

6. If he is a helpful and dedicated till monkey he will positively leap into the suitcase in a selfless effort to provide customer satisfaction. Once he is in position, nod in a satisfied way.

7. Once again, look doubtful. Ask him, hesitantly, how comfortable the case is. What about with the lid down? Suggest that the invaluable assistant should knock once if the case is comfortable, twice if a little on the small side.

8. Close the lid.

9. Lock the suitcase.

10. Take what you can, and run.

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