This Week's Top Ten
Ways to Stay Warm In the Ukraine
- One word: Slavutich
- Snuggle with the dude who wears the uniform and stands outside that restaurant all day
- Sit in the beer tent and play pretend
- Take flaming shots
- Hike up Hill Vozevedynskigarbaluaka, or whatever it is
- Ask for a cab back to the hotel, and relax as the cabbie takes an hour to find it
- Eavesdrop outside of hotel room doors
- Go shovel all the snow that nobody ever bothered to
- Run from Dr. H on the prowl
- Go to Rome
FINALS de-stressers
- Sit at the window and watch for streakers
- Talk to people on AIM
- Steal MP3s
- Go off campus to ...uh, play bingo... yeah...that's it
- Wrestle your roommate
- Race the elevator to the dining hall
- SNOOD
- Suddenly remember you left something extremely important in your best friend's room and make an emergency trip to go get it
- Sit on the quad and play geetar
- Get something pierced
What I Learned the First Month of College
- Weekdays are Monday through Wednesday
- It's easier to drink your third beer sitting down
- If someone asks you if you've ever heard of "the shocker" ALWAYS SAY NO
- Jewish holidays are fun for everyone
- It's hard to light a cigarette on a windy day
- Men are the scum of the earth and someday womyn will be oppressing them
- Just because the sign says it's fish doesn't mean anything
- Sometimes the sun shines on a dog's ass
- You have to make your own opportunities
- How to love people
~~please note: some lessons derived from wise counsel, not personal experience~~
Fun Things to Do In a College Dorm
- Sit on the computer all day
- Get creative with condoms
- Experiment with food from the dining hall
- Make fun of people's accents
- Rearrange furniture
- Flash the guys in the frat house across the street
- See who can turn up the music the loudest
- Count the number of near accidents at the busy corner outside based on the amount of sirens, screams, screeching tires, etc.
- Watch movies you've seen a billion times already
- Study??
Reasons to Celebrate Holy Week
- Great excuse to get off from work
- Effective weight-loss treatment
- Ticket to heaven beats stinky old eggs any day
- Chance to see all your friends at church
- Sermons aren't going to be about tithing
- Gotta get that slate wiped clean at least once a year
- Easier to hide in the crowd
- A chance to participate in the most important time in the church year, to fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ, to renew relationships and heal wounds, to start over, and to remember what this life is really all about.
- Because Jesus is COOL...
- and He loves YOU.
~~Have a Great Easter~~
Best Ways To Show Someone You Love Them
- Jump off a building screaming "I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH..."
- Hire someone to push you around in a shopping cart while you hold a sign declaring your undying love.
- Ride on a tiger in your underwear.
- Go on a talk show.
- Offer them some of your "stash" (JUST KIDDING JUST KIDDING).
- Get them sweet tickets to see Bob Dylan in concert (thank you baby!)
- Pretend you're going to sing the National Anthem at a Basketball game, but as you stand center court fall to your knees in the direction of your love and bust into anything by Brian Adams.
- Eat a Hershey's Chocolate bar in their name.
- Give them a hug.
- Tell them.
~~Happy Valentines Day~~
Worst Places to Be on New Year's Eve 1999
- In traffic
- Working at 7-11
- Crowded on top of a building in New York with a bunch of hippies holding signs saying, "We are ready for you."
- Anywhere but church
- A small, dark place with people who are ready for the world to end
- Space
- A bar where some guy who keeps asking you if you really want to enter the new millenium as a virgin
- Downtown Boise
- Downtown Caldwell
- Anywhere without proper firearms and other methods of protection
~~Have a Safe and Happy New Year~~
Worst Presents to Give for Christmas
- An I.O.U.
- A puppy
- Your little brother
- A letter stating exactly why you feel this person doesn't deserve a present
- A rock collection
- Fruitcake
- Your friendship
- The present they gave you last year
- Deoderant
- A partridge in a pear tree
~~Merry Christmas~~
Uses for Leftover Turkey
- Fill your dog's favorite stuffed animal with it -- and sew it up -- tight.
- Throw it at annoying siblings.
- Make a casserole.
- Make two casseroles.
- Seal it in a plastic baggie and mail it to Goodwill.
- Create forces of Dark Meat and Light Meat and have them go to war against each other. The Light Meat must win.
- Make three casseroles.
- Hand it out at the grocery store claiming to be rallying against outrageous turkey prices.
- Feed an army.
- Put it in the soup (no one will ever know). Muoo-hah-haaaaaa!!!!!
~~Happy Thanksgiving~~
Bad Things to Hear Upon Waking Up
- "Dammit, Jim, I don't have 'er sown up yet!"
- "Quick! Hide the shaving cream!"
- CRASH! "Uh oh, are they awake?"
- Bark! Bark! Barkbarkbark! Barkbark! Bark!
- "Wakey, wakey, it's time for eggs and bakey!"
- "Quick, get up! You've got 10 minutes to get to class!"
- "Fire!"
- Construction noises
- Giggling
- An alarm clock
Good Things to Hear On a Hard Day
- "I Saved a Seat for You"
- "We've Got a Sub"
- "We Don't Have School"
- "No Problem"
- "I Fixed You Dinner"
- "I'll Take Care of it"
- "Want Some Candy?"
- "God Bless You"
- "I Missed You"
- "I Love You"
Reasons Why C-Town Deserved to Kick
Vallivue's Butt in Marching Band
- We've Got Better Looking Uniforms
- Their Colors Reflect on Their Sound Quality (Gold and...Brown??)
- Bow-Legged Cowboys Can't March
- We Had Plenty of Room in Our Trophy Case
- Captain Blood Trained Us Well
- WE Had Explosions and THEY Didn't
- The Stars Were In Our Favor
- We Only Had 3 Frosh Compared to Their 30 (Don'tcha feel sorry for them?)
- Mr. Stone Is A Better Christian Than Mr. Griffeths (JUST KIDDING...JUST KIDDING)
- I Slept With the Music Judge (<---true story, just ask me.)