Author: Nightrider.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Aragorn/Legolas
Disclaimer: The characterts belong to Tolkien. I merely borrowed them for a little while
Sighing to myself, I make myself lay in wait. Estel has gone stalking off into the darkness attempting to center himself before dealing with me. 'Dealing with me'. I shiver at the thought. It's not the spanking that scares me. I do not fear the pain. What do I fear then? Perhaps I need to start thinking about my motives. Obviously I have some time on my hands since Estel won't be returning anytime soon. Shall I brave to perform some introspection?
Why do I push him so? Was it intentional? Nay, it couldn't be. I don't enjoy having my dignity stripped from me as easily, as my legging are ripped from my body. Yet I knew perfectly well how he would respond to such appalling behavior. So why did I act that way? Why did I provoke him? Yes introspection is in order.
Watching that Man of Gondor challenge him, berate him so! In front of the council no less. It made me, angry. Yes it made me angry! I was angry towards him. I could even go so far as to call it rage. The way that he looked at Estel, that evil look plastered all over his beastly face, dissidence emanating off his body. His posture, the rigidity of his spine. How overconfident! That man deserved so much more than he received! Although there was a small sense of satisfaction in knowing that he was removed from his lofty tower of arrogance if only for the fraction of a second. He was given something to ponder, something to lay awake and reflect on.
So perhaps I was trying to offer my protection to Estel. Could I blame my outburst upon my shielding nature? Was Estel in need of my guard? My security? Never has it been an issue before this. But that jeering, conniving _expression plastered upon his haughty face?I'd have sooner ripped his tongue out than stood by idly and allowed that audacious performance to continue! Yes, I was feeling rage. That is of no question now.
That wrath?it consumed me temporarily, blocking rational thought. Estel and I have spoken of this in the past. It blinded me of the foresight to prevent my quick spoken tongue. Does that make me any less accountable? Is accountability of my own accord? Nay, that shall be dealt with by Estel's hand. Be still mind! Let us not think of that yet.
So all of this ultimately added up to making me spew out Estel's true identity, his place as the future king of men. That look on his face?I can see it so vividly in my mind. He was ashamed. Was I the cause of this cruel shame? Did my behavior disappointment him to the point of feeling shame? Perhaps he was ashamed of himself.that is even worse to contemplate. Why can he not see who and what he is? Why is he so fearful of embracing his destiny? Lord Elrond says it will come with time, with patience. Perchance that is what I?m afraid of. Soon he will have no need for me. He will have his throne placed high above, crowned in glory and reigning over the realm of men. And what of an Elf that could not even hold his tongue when goaded by some insolent human child?
What then of me? What place shall I have? Nay, do not think of such things! Perish the thought! Estel will always have a place for me?as I do him. A place hidden so unfathomably deep in the confines of my spirit that no one else will ever occupy. I know this to be true?it is a solid fact. Existing like the earth upon which I stand. But how can I speak for him? Nay, I can not.
I seem to be dealing with two separate issues here. First, my anger which has been already noticed and examined with great care. I had a cause! Second, the second is much deeper. It is encased in fear and dread. I am afraid of losing him. Why am I so very selfish? I have so very much to lose. More than I can imagine, more than I even care to think about.
Why would he remain? He has no reason. For what do I give? Harsh words and ill thought actions! Hardly a reason for him to seek my company. It is a sad realization when you realize that you have nothing to give. So very distressing.
Shall I dare breech into the harder subjects? Well obviously I am beginning to understand the reasons behind my actions, so what more damage can finishing this introspection cause?
How did fear drive my conduct to such extremes? Would I challenge to say that I acted out to evoke his awareness and attention?
I leaned forward in shock, it had dawned on me, so very apparent and vivid. "Legolas," Estel called softly. Jerking my head up, I saw him standing mere strides away from me. I had not even heard him approach! Patiently, he stood waiting, studying me.
But what of my new enlightenment? "Why?"
That is all it took.
"Because I was angry and because I fear"
TBC
