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Exclusive: Interview with Homer Simpson
How does it feel to be included in the ranks of leaders of men?
WOO-hoo! It's a real honour - what did I win? Where's my prize? It'd better not be one of those stupid all expenses-paid-trips to some stupid foreign country!
How's the family?
Fine, just fine. So, what's the prize? Is it a big screen TV? Show me! Show me!
Who would you say are the most creative and influential' individuals around at the moment, and why?
Uh... Arnold Schwarzenegger? Because... well, first he came up with that funny name... oh, and then he influenced everyone to say, "Ah'll be back." Oh, and that computer nerd guy - Bill Gates, him too. Now tell me what did I win? What? What? Is it a car? It is a car isn't it? Woo-hoo, baby! come to daddy!
Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Ohhh, (aigh). Ummm... Billy Carter. He took the grand and noble office of America's Fist Brother and used it to sell Billy Beer. I still have half a six-pack in my garage - it's an extremely tasty and valuable collector's item!
Can you put into words the joy of eating?
Mmmmmm, not without getting really, really hungry. Ooooh! Is that What I won? A food prize? A lifetime supply of salty pork products? No, beer? No? Salty pork beer? D'oh!
Dougnuts - is there anything they can't do?
No. Well, hmmm... unfortunately, they can't clone themselves like your sheep can. But other than that, they are the most perfect life form on the planet.
That's quite an oral fixation you've got there. Do you feel it's a sublimation of the desire to return to the material breast and, ultimately, to the safety of the womb?
Uh... sure... if... you... say... so. Oh, like a big oven! Sure.
Is there anything free you wouldn't eat?
You're talking about food, right? Because, call me picky... but, a lot of times, if it's not food, I won't eat it.
What's your favourite reading matter?
Reading matter? You mean, like, books and things? D'oh! I didn't win a stupid set of encyclopedias or something useless like that did I? Can I trade them for a barka-lounger or something?
Should we be respectful of the boss?
When he's around, definitely. But first he has to earn it, dammit! I suggest an employee appreciation course be a requirement for all employers
What's been the number one influence on modern culture?
Ummm... ahhh... gee, I don't know... beer? The bikini. No, wait, I know - the remote control!
How do you like our British culture?
Um, and that would be...?
Come on Homer, 'all things British'.
Oh, like James Bond and martinis? sure! And, oh, right - bangers and mash! Mmmmmmm... bangers...
Ah... Okay Homer, tell us - is your brain your best friend?
Not when it's trying to boss me around it's not! Sometimes we get into these big fights and I have to tell it, "Hey! I have my wants and needs too, you know!" But mostly we get along okay - we both like the same TV shows.
Right. You've got to go and live on a desert island alone for the rest of your life - don't panic! It's just pretend. Anyway, you're allowed to take the complete episodes of one particular TV show. Which one?
Oh, I guess I'd take the show about that group of people stuck on a deserted island. What was that show? Let's see, there was a millionaire, a professor, a movie star...
...ahh! Gilligan's Island.
No, I was thinking of Hee-Haw - but, hey! Gilligan is good one too. That crazy Gilligan, heh-heh-heh!
You seem to have many life-long ambitions. Which one burns the brightest?
I'd like to perfect a triple, back-to-back, 18-hour sleep cycle.
Would you advise the young guys to get married and have a family?
Sure, why should they have any fun? Just because they're young?
Any other advice for the youth of today?
Oh, grow up.
What are your plans for the future?
I'm going to take home my valuable prize and i'm going to... what? hey, what is it, anyway? can I drive it? Eat it? Swim in it? What is my valuable prize? Let me see it! Hey! I answered all yor dumb questions - GIVE ME MY PRIZE!
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