|
Quote, Unquote: Homer Simpson - 1997
Springfield's fattest nuclear technician on Playgirl, Elvis and Gillian Anderson
You Americans have re-elected President Clinton despite all the rumours concerning his sexual escapades. Is this a good thing?
Well, I don't know, but it sure is a lot more interesting than all that stupid, boring political stuff those big, fat windbags usually talk about. Besides, we kind of like our Presidents to be on the frisky side... at least our Democratic ones.
I take it you're referring to JFK?
Uh, the airport?
No, the president that was assassinated.
Oh yeah. That guy. I remember that.
It must have touched you very deeply. Is that why you remember it?
No, I remember we got a day off from school. I got two lunches that day! Woo-hoo!
I see. Well, do you remember where you were when you heard that Elvis had died?
Yeah, I was in the parking lot at Krusty Burger. I started sobbing.
So, you were a big fan of Elvis?
Not really, I was eating one of Krusty's "eat 'em and weep" Onion Logs.
While we're on the subject of music...
I thought we were talking about food?
Have you heard of the Spice Girls?
Oooooh, yeah. I like that song Do Ya Want A Bee? It makes me wanna aerobicise.
So which of the Spices makes you go gaga?
To tell you the truth, I haven't known the individual names of any band members since the Grand Funk Railroad broke up.
But you're cool with The Spice Girls' whole "girl power" attitude?
Doh! Is it one of those feminist things? I always get into trouble with Marge when I say anything about ladies' rights. I'm gonna have to take the fifth on this one.
By "taking the fifth" you're referring to your US Constitution's Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination...
I am? I can do that? Are you gonna eat those chips?
Help yourself. So, which way do you think it will go in the British general election?
Well, that Queen seems to be very popular. Is she gonna run again?
Actually, Homer, the Queen is a member of our Royal Family, she doesn't run for office. Her position as a monarch comes as her birthright.
Oh, I get it, like Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen.
Sort of. Do you have a favourite book?
Sure I do! The most popular book in our country!
Uh, you mean the Bible?
No! TV Guide!
Howard Stern recently told Movieline magazine that he'd like to "do" Demi Moore. Which celebrity would you like to sleep with?
Ooooooh, Wilma Flintstone!
And who is your favourite Friends star?
Well, I really liked that monkey they had on in the first season, but I heard they had to write out that character in order to "dumb down" the show. I guess that's why that horse-faced guy has a bigger role now.
You mean David Schwimmer?
Yeah, him. What a loser! Are you going to finish that burger?
No, go ahead. You've managed to keep a fire burning in Marge since you were married, so what advice can you give us about the ladies?
Well, I'll tell you - they seem to go for sensitive-type guys, so you've always got to act like you're listening to whatever it is they're yapping about, and pretend you give a rat's butt about stupid stuff like flowers and recycling. Oh yeah, be sure to wear plenty of aftershave!
Top advice. Would you pose nude for Playgirl?
Well maybe - but not full frontal nudeyness... and they'd have to pay me a lot of money.
How much money?
At least $50. And, of course, I'd want to over-see the retouching on all photography.
Is Gillian Anderson really the sexiest woman in the world?
Oh, I should say NOT! She's too spooky, always crawling around in sewers with slimy insects and cutting open dead corpses and stuff... eeeeeyw!
How old were you when you lost your cherry?
The first time, or the first time with a woman?
With a woman, Homer.
Well, that would be when Marge and I were just outta high school. It was the very first time for both of us, and wouldn't you know it... she got pregnant! Boy! That sure taught me a lesson I'll never forget.
And what was that?
Uhhhh, wait, I'm trying to remember... Mmmm, are those candied yams?
Bearing in mind the problems you're having with Bart do you think there's enough discipline in the home for kids?
Well, you know what they say - discipline is a double edged sword.
Is it? Exactly what do you mean by that?
I have no idea, I'm hungry.
Well, if Beavis and Butt-head were your boys, how would you whup them into shape?
I generally like to start with an insult and some name-calling. Of course, that's gonna be difficult with a kid named Butt-head...
We have a feature in this issue about dealing with drunk girlfriends. What's your advice on handling a woman who's crazed on booze?
Well, the first thing you want to do is get her as far away from you as possible. If she has her own car, send her home. Otherwise you give her your car and you find a ride home with a friend.
Homer, I've noticed that you've been stuffing your face throughout this entire interview. You seem to be a very food-orientated guy.
Ooooh, orientated - that's like Chinese food! Mmmmm, moo-u pork...
Homer! Do you balance your eating habits with regular exercise?
Uh... I lift weights - furniture mostly. It all depends what my doughnut has rolled under.
So, as you're such a food expert, what's the best burger in America?
That would be the original all-meat by-products Krusty Burger. And by that I mean the Deluxe Krusty Burger - that's when they add cheese, a bun and a napkin.
Don't you ever worry about catching bovine spongiform encephalitis - mad cow disease?
It's my firm belief that you cannot catch any disease that you can't pronounce. This is what's known as the power of positive non-thinking. I think. Besides, I didn't know cows got mad... I thought they were all contented.
No, they don't get mad, they go mad. In Britain "mad" means insane.
Well, I don't know why you can't learn to speak English.
Do you speak any foreign languages?
None that I know of.
Meaning?
Well, I might speak a language that I'm not aware of because I've never heard it before.
You're not much of a world-traveller, are you?
Oh, I've done my fair share. Let's see, I've been to Bud's Stop 'n' Gawk Reptile Farm out near Devil's Hell Hole, that was when Marge and me was out on our way to Las Vegas for our wedding... I've been to Potato Rock National Park, that's where they've got this gigantic rock formation that's shaped just like a huge potato...
Sounds fascinating.
It does?
No, actually. Okay, final question. If you were stranded on a desert island with Princess Di and Fergie and you have to eat one of them to survive, which would it be?
Doh! This is one of those trick questions, isn't it? I mean Fergie is plumper and juicier, but if I eat her, it means I'd be struck sharing her with Princess Di, and she'd just criticise my eating habits. Say, couldn't I just be stranded with Princess Anne and her horse?
| 
