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It takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 muscles to smile.
That makes is 2.5 times easier to smile.Teacher & Students Jokes GHOSTS "Tendjewberrymud" Mad Cow Kids & falling in love Jokes about Sa'eedi Making The Grade Mother & Son 3atieh (Aatieh) ment for each other... Flight 525 Oh...Sorry... Deductive Reasoning Do you know what is family? Confession Conversation of William Knott and Mr.Watt Heaven or Hell Why God Loves Blondes???? Types of driving!! Grandma The Amazing Computer!!!!! Men are saints????
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Teacher & Students TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet. HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
GHOSTS A professor at the University of Kentucky is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost? One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and ys," Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said "goats."
"Tendjewberrymud" It's so funny, but read it loud!!!!! Be warned, you're going to find yoursel talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".
A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome"
Mad Cow One cow looked at another cow and asked 'Have you heard about the new mad cow disease going around.?' The other cow answered, 'What do I care? I'm a helicopter.
Kids & falling in love These are what some kids had to say about falling in love and are bound to crack you up!! :)) Reflections On The Nature Of Love "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -Greg, age 8 What Is The Proper Age To Get Married? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." -Judy, age 8 "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" -Tom, age 5 What Do Most People Do On A Date? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Mike, age 10 When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Jim, age 10 "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, age 9 The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" -Lynette, age 9 "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Kenny, age 7 Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two Particular People "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -Jan, age 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -Harlen, age 8 "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -Andrew, age 6 On What Falling In Love Is Like "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -Roger, age 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -Leo, age 7
Jokes about Sa'eedi Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A Sa'eedi BUSY ALL DAY?? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. Q: How do you make a Sa'eedi laugh on Saturday? A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Q: Why did the Sa'eedi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: How do you keep a Sa'eedi busy forever? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why can't Sa'eedis make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: How did the Sa'eedi try to kill the bird? A: He threw it off a cliff. Q: Why did 18 Sa'eedis go to a movie? A: Because "below 18" was not allowed!!! Q: What do you call a Sa'eedi in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: A Sa'eedi ordered a pizza. The clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces. A: "Six please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Sa'eedi #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare? Sa'eedi #2: "No, who wrote it?" Sa'eedi: "Excuse me sir, what time is it? MAN: "It's 3:15." Sa'eedi: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Making The Grade A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... *anything*!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything???" "Yes...Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
Mother & Son A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
3atieh (Aatieh) There was a child called 3atieh, and since he's the only son for his parents, they decided to spend all their money on him to give him the best education and treatment, so they decided to put him in the " New English School " In the first day, the teacher came and asked the students for their names, so they said " John "," Paul "," Jessy ", " Monica " till the turn reached 3atieh, so he said " 3atieh ! ". the teacher replied " hmm.... that's so arabic, let's call you Mathew ". 3atieh agreed and was very happy for his new name. He went back at home and enterd his room till night, the dinner was ready and his parents called him but there was no answer. They kept calling him for 15 min. till they got mad, went to his room and daraboo gatleh.(beat to death) The next day, 3atieh went to school mshatab with bruises all over his body, the teacher was astonished and asked him what happend so 3atieh replied " you wont beleive it miss, two Arabs tried to kill me yesterday !!! "
ment for each other... A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.
Flight 525 British Airways was flying to Iran, Tehran from here in London. As they approach the skies of Tehran near MehrAbad something goes wrong and they start having technical difficulties and the plane starts to malfunction... The B.A Pilot quickly radios in: "Tehran, this is Captain Smith, British Airways flight 525, do you read?" 'faive too faive, dis iz tehran tAver felayt contorol, go a hed pileez' "Tehran, this is flight 525, we have a problem...." 'dis iz tehran, vat kind of a perAblem?' "This is flight 525, we have lost power to our engines, please advise!!" 'dis iz tehran, i reed yoo, pileez check some tings for me, okay?' "This is flight 525, go ahead Tower" 'dis is tehran, can yoo get emergency pAver to your engines?' "Negative, Tehran, we seem to have lost all power!" 'dis iz tehran, can yoo pileez bering your altitoode to toventy tAuzend feet pileez?' "Negative Tehran, our wing controls do not respond..." '(respond? ALI!!? wat the hell iz dat mean? Bacheh boro Ali Agha ro peyda kon!!!)' 'dis is tehran, can yoo peleez see if yoo can lover your veels?' "Negative Tehran, landing gears are stuck." 'dis is tehran, vud you peleeze ripeet deez vords after me...?' "Go Ahead Tehran" 'Okay , ripeet after me: aShado ana lA elAha elallAh, va aShado ana mohammadan rasul allAh'
Oh...Sorry...
A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman
answers.
Guy : "Who is this?"
Maid : "This is the maid.", answered the woman.
Guy : "We don't have a maid!"
Maid : "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
Guy : "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
Maid : "Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone
who I just
figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming.
Guy : "Listen, would you like to make ? 50,000?"
Maid : "What do I have to do?"
Guy : "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that
witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots. The maid comes
back to the phone.
Maid : "What should I do with the bodies?"
Guy : "Throw them in the swimming pool!"
Maid : "What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause...
Guy : "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
Maid : "No..."
Guy : "Oh... Sorry... Wrong number..."
Deductive
Reasoning
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were on a camping and
hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying
there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I suppose it means that of all the planets
and suns and moons in the universe, that we are
truly the one most blessed with the reason to
deduce theorems to make our way in this world of
criminal enterprises and blind greed. It means
that we are truly small in the eyes of God but
struggle each day to be worthy of the senses and
spirit we have been blessed with. And, I suppose,
at the very least, in the meteorological sense,
it means that it is most likely that we will have
another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to
you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
Do you know
what is family?
Do you really understand what is behind the word family?
So long I never realize I dont know the real meaning of family..........
Here is the answer.......
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd
(M)other, (I), (L)ove
(Y)ou
WHY does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because:
W--- Washing
I--- Ironing
F--- Food
E--- Entertainment
WHY does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because:
H---Housing
U---Understanding
S---Sharing
B---Buying
A---and
N---Never
D---Demanding
Confession
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.Her 9 year old son comes
home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes
home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$25.00"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here,"
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$75.00"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the
ball back and forth."
The boy says, "Can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$100.00"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than
those two things cost. You're going to church and confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes
the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Conversation of William Knott and Mr.Watt
this is truly irritating!!
Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY
CONFUSED,READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt.
Yours? Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name
and you have not even told me yours yet.
You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my
name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.
[Pause]
What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!
NOW THEY ARE AT A POINT WHERE BOTH THINK THE OTHER KNOWS
THEIR NAME, BUT THEY THEMSELVES DON'T KNOW THE OTHER'S NAME.
Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what
will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!
[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!
[pause before it hits him]
Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
Yes Wright.
NOW THEY BOTH THINK THEY KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!
Watt do you think ?? Do they or do they Knot
Heaven or Hell !!!
This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St.
Peter. St. Peter said, 'In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here
in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for
a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final - no changing your mind.'
So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People
were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He
mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.
Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with 'HELL'.
Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to
the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing
around eating, drinking, dancing - in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought
that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told
him that he had chosen hell.
Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched
his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and
he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up
and asked if there was some problem. 'Yes', the fellow replied, 'I was just down here ten
minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What
happened?'
'Well,' the devil replied, 'that was an advertisement!'
Why God Loves Blondes????
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's
in serious financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help
me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now
I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she
pray's..." Dear Lord, why have you
forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often
ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you PLEEEEASE
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can
get my life back in order." Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open
and Brandi
is confronted by the voice of God himself...
"Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
Types of driving!!
One hand on wheel, one hand out of window : Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror : Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, one foot on
accelerator, one foot out of the driver seat window, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation
with someone in next car : Welcome to the UAE!
Grandma
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: On the first day of April last year, will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years
ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old
legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And
that's when I shot the son of a bitch!"
The
Amazing Computer!!!!!
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I
should see a doctor.
" His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug
store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10.00.
the man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It
will be better in two weeks."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would
change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He
decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from
his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the
following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better
Men
are saints????
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of
customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a
haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks
up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house .... !"
Why
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The original collection of smiley faces
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