Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish! January - March 2004 Sunday 6.29pm 28/03/2004
Just got back from Belgium where myself and Nesquik raised some hell on the streets of Brussels. Played drunken Scrabble with her mum (I won!), drank cheap beer, watched the rugby, danced to Jacko tunes in a sticky club, then hot-boxed a Fiat at 7am. Souvenirs? A giant Pokemon soft toy, a Zero 7 poster and a bruised lip, acquired during a particularly heated (read: wasted) game of snooker. Recently I have re-read HALOS, an autobiography written by this guy David I met in my Italian class (we are both shit). Its fantastic stuff. As for my short stories, well, lets not go there.
Thursday 5.18pm 25/03/2004
Woke up an hour ago with a smile on my face, and still drunk. Last night was one of the best piss-ups ever. I knew this because I couldn't remember any of it. Immediately, I called Jessie and asked what the hell happened between 3am and 7am. She asked if I remembered the coffee beans. At that very moment, it all came back to me. It was fucking brilliant.
Monday 3.06pm 22/03/2004
The picture to your left is of me and Barbara at the gin and wine club, a forum for students to present their poetry, scripts, writing and performance art whilst pissed. It is a lot of fun, and held monthly. It was here that I was told about friendster.com and its bloody cool, I strongly advise you to sign up now! Other news: Got wasted in the Alcoholics pub again and got into another argument with the Algerian.
"Friendster!"Friday 7.24pm 19/03/2004
I have recently been suffering from a rather severe case of Athlete's foot (a first for me: fascinating stuff!). However, two weeks ago I received a mysterious package from Miriam containing, amongst other things, insoles for cheesy feet and a tube of Daktarin. Excellent foresight on her behalf, its working a treat, but I still can't figure out the significance of the Dip-Dab. 
Tuesday 3.00pm 16/03/2004
Today I was charged 15 euros by my bank for withdrawing money without a slip (fuckers!). Broke and fuelled with rage, I stormed off to the supermarket with my aunt (who is ill and also pissed off with the French) where I proceeded to steal basil and spit on the windows. My Aunt however, went one better, by snapping off a shelf with her trolley, coughing over the meat counter and stealing a crate of milk. Revenge is sweet!
Friday 3.11pm 12/03/2004
I came upon two giggling stoners today in the stairwell of my apartment block, who had succeeded in stinking up five floors. Honestly! Got a great package in the post from Ana, Britney's 'Toxic', 2 Crunchie bars and, best of all, a DVD of 'House on Sorority Row', a gem of a slasher I have been itching to get my mitts on since I was 15. How very sad. Thanks Ana!
"Classic!"Wednesday 6.01pm 10/03/2004
Got an email today informing me that my folks are finally separating and moving out in June, as a buyer has been found. Hope I get my tax-back cheque in time. Off to wine + dine with Elina and Gools now, who have just got back from far away places, and then there's going to be a huge party at Julia's and I plan on getting ridiculously fucked.
Monday 2.29pm 8/03/2004
Got trashed 3 days in a row last week, one night out resulting in a sore jaw and googly eyes (ahem). Yesterday went with Fab to the Louvre and Picasso museums and a Pompidou exhibition, all free (1st Sunday each month). Then saw 'Under the Tuscan Sun' with Nat, Adam + Johanna, a nice bit o'
mufffluff comedy, then pizza in front of MTV. Nesquik is coming to visit today, planning on a Jazz club. Nice!
Friday 8.55pm 5/03/2004
"The Patty Winters Show this morning was about Nazis and, inexplicably, I got a real charge out of watching it. Though I wasn't exactly charmed by their deeds, I didn't find them unsympathetic either, nor I might add did most of the members of the audience. One of the Nazis, in a rare display of humor, even juggled grapefruits and, delighted, I sat up in bed and clapped." Patrick Bateman: American Psycho
"Hmm..."Tuesday 12.45pm 2/03/2004
Horrible news from Saturday night... Kicked over a motorbike, forced myself on a Yank who insisted "I'm too drunk to score", almost got into a fight with an Algerian, passed out in Henrietta's lap, screamed "I hate the French" at the top of my lungs. Awful, awful. More news: Look! Its Whoopi with an S Club Junior and Trisha Goddard! Whatever could they be chatting about? 
Saturday 4.17pm 28/02/2004
Yesterday we went to see the Scissor Sisters and they were fucking hilarious, screaming such quality soundbites as "George Bush is a cunt" and "Vive les maladies!", whilst belting out their brilliant album (subliminal message: BUY). In the club afterwards, I chatted to a journalist who informed me that Franz Ferdinand are coming to Paris in a few weeks (Yeah!), a Colombian who told me the whereabouts of a florists that sells peyote, and the highlight, one of the Scissor Sisters, Del the guitarist! I then got thoroughly drunk. I also managed to acquire invites to a guests only after-party at an exhibition gallery tonight. Details to follow.
"Scissor Sisters"Wednesday 11.06pm 25/02/2004
Yesterday I was sitting on my bed and spent about oh, 10 minutes, pondering exactly who I am, what people think of me, whether anybody actually knows me, and how Im going to turn out in ten years time (note: THIS NEVER HAPPENS). Then a whiff of singe alerted my nostrils: I had unwittingly set my hair alight with my fag. Now if that isnt a sign from above... What was I thinking? That night I got incredibly pissed. I am too now, as a matter of fact.
Sunday 4.51pm 15/02/2004
Yesterday Paris was teeming with luvvie duvvies and heavy petting. Need I remind anyone that Paris is NOT the city of love? It is the city of cheese, chain-smokers and dog poo. Saw Jim and Heather for the day, visiting from Kent and thankfully they werent eating their faces out like the slobbering fogeys on the metro, instead they were drunk. What a lot of bloody nonsense Valentines Day is. No doubt the fault of a certain card shop. How refreshing then, that the Anti-Publicity gang were out in full force yet again, ripping down posters and smearing billboards with witty remarks. Romancing the Capitalism as it were.
"Graffiti"Friday 2.12pm 13/02/2004
My Aunt has told me to go and take a shower and brush my teeth because apparently I stink of "booze and garlic". How very nice.
Tuesday 4.20pm 10/02/2004
Yesterday myself, Elina, Gools and Bene got into a heated discussion (over wine and joints) about which 3 icons we should like to invite to dinner. I opted for the above two legends but couldnt decide between Perry Mason or Basil the Great Mouse Detective. Bene wanted River Phoenix and I think someone wanted Muhammed Al Fayed. 
Monday 6.19pm 9/02/2004
Marvellous weekend, showed Alex all the sights and some even I hadnt seen. Will have to do it all over again when Ana and Scragg come down next week. Got wazzed and lost my credit card again.
Thursday 12.58pm 5/02/2004
About fucking time. The sun has come out in Paris and its bloody brilliant. Going to meet Penny and Mel and some Dramas under the Eiffel tower today and going to see some play tonight before a house party. Still not done the overdue essays. Tomorrow Alex is coming from London for the weekend. Which is also bloody brilliant. Bloodier, even (?)
"Go here! Interesting..."Tuesday 6.50pm 3/02/2004
Holiday! 3 fat weeks of sweet fuck all, oh yes!Saturday 6.10pm 31/01/2004
Last night we found a group of 17yr old KIAD students and dragged them to the alcoholics pub, only to watch in horror as one of the drunken bastards set his shoulder on fire. Ah, the frill benefits of youth!
Wednesday 2.39pm 28/01/2004
So far my exams are going swimmingly! I cheated in Italian, flunked Aesthetics, and snuck a Whoopi in my Hollywood Economy paper. Oh, and my expos� on The Relic went down a storm. Marvellous!
Saturday 4.20pm 24/01/2004
The other night I made a complete arse out of myself again, in a sleazy club. Kicking a breakdancer and dropping a friend on the dancefloor paled in comparison to the guilt I gleaned from telling a sweet little girl from Iowa that she looked like Tori Spelling. Big mistake. In any case, Nesquik is down from Belgium this weekend so Ill have ample opportunity to forget about the whole embarrassing affair.
"The Tori Zone"Wednesday 12.05pm 21/01/2004
Hello folks! Myself and Beth are pissed and thought you might like to see a snapshot from our Sims house, after a long hard decision, we decided on a pic of Whoopi getting pissed rather than Paedo wetting himself or Wizadora getting fiddled. Enjoy! Beth- hello im taking my time cos otherwise im illitwerate. 
Tuesday 5.23pm 20/01/2004
Good news on the rolling front! I can now successfully roll a near-perfect fag, thus saving beaucoup cash and puffing less, although I did spend half of my Italian lesson with a string of tabocco hanging off my eyelash (don't ask).
Monday 3.03pm 19/01/2004
To all my pals in the UK, today two amazing singles have been released, and you shall buy both of them. They are 'Desolation Highway' by Bikini Atoll, and 'Comfortably Numb' by Scissor Sisters. I have already ordered mine on HMV, but will have to wait a month before they get to Paris. Poo. Now go and purchase yours!
Friday 7.33pm 16/01/2004
Went to see an interview with Matthieu Kassovitz yesterday (directed La Haine + Gothika) and he ripped into how shit French films are, and how racist the French media are. You should have seen the pathetic look on the interviewer's face! Of course, he was absolutely right. This weekend I have 3 essays to do, so I am going to be a recluse, underneath the duvet with my laptop and a cheap bottle of beaujolais.
"Chavs!"Tuesday 9.57pm 13/01/2004
I have managed to convince one of my tutors to let me do a half hour expose on The Relic for next Thursday, which I will be graded on, how wicked is that!? It more than makes up for my other tutor refusing my request to do a presentation on Jason X and Mimic last week. Ha! I'll show the Frenchies a thing or two about great film!
Sunday 10.39pm 11/01/2004
Ruby, Alex, Tom, Vix, Bex, Lynsey Last, Cous cous, camembert, Greenclaws, Le Fun, McDonalds, tequila, Sacre Coeur, puke, smelly socks, Peter Pan, paedophilia, Ab Fab, bongos, beer, Alcoholics Pub, crepes, whiskey, g-string, birthday, berets, shit souvenirs, petrol wine, christmas trees, hunchback, locomotive, boobs, VIP, frites, dogs, randoms, randoms and more randomness. Yes I am back in Paris, and the weekend was wicked. Thanks guys for visiting!
Monday 10.05am 05/01/2004
Only an hour now since I woke up and I have been forced to endure Chris Moyles, Kilroy-Silk, Carol Vorderman wacking off about her new diet book (yes, another one), those fucking irritating ASDA rollback ads and Ready Brek. Thank GOD for Trisha!
"Mouthy Cunt Moyles"Sunday 12.20pm 04/01/2004
Last night I discovered large chunks of flesh missing from my toes, a bit like trench-foot I should imagine. I should do something about it right away, but the �300 insurance for 'loss of toes', should it happen in France, is too tempting. So i'll wait till next week.
Friday 6.45pm 02/01/2004
Obviously if you are reading this you watched "100 Worst Pop Records" on channel 4 yesterday. Mightily pleased that Jacko and Cliff made it into the top 10, but The Fast Food Song certainly didn't belong there, mainly because I am a proud owner of said single (therefore it is ace).
Sunday 6.35pm 28/12/2003
I have created a small picture gallery which you can access from the menu above. Otherwise, Happy New Year! Get wankered!
