Welcome to SimonTalksRubbish! October - December 2003 Saturday 4.21pm 27/12/2003
Another overrated Crimbo (stupid word) has come and gone. I mean really, who bloody cares any more? 
"Crappy Xmas!"
Saturday 6.30pm 20/12/03
Back in the UK, and already dealing with cunty customers chez Clinton Cards! Today a dumb cow accused me of "not fucking caring" that a teddy bear fell on her head, which "could have broken her neck". I subsequently told her that indeed I didn't, my co-worker informing her that we were Xmas temps. That was that sorted. Also, why the fuck do people still ask for plastic bags?
"New Rant: Bags"Thursday 1.55pm 18/12/2003
MISSED MY FUCKING FLIGHT COS I GOT PISSED AND I STILL AM AND IM ANNOYED AND I HEREBY VOW NEVER TO DRINK BEFORE TRAVEL EVER EVER AGAIN! :(
Saturday 3.26pm 13/12/2003
Today I was taken to uni in an original 1930's underground train, today being a special event where there is one every hour on certain lines. When it comes to culture wanking, you just can't beat the French.
Thursday 5.52pm 11/12/2003
The Strokes were fecking amazing, their second album, although less rock-poppy, blew my socks off in concert. Shame that lots of Frenchies there obviously hadnt bought the album and werent in the spirit of things. Went on a bar crawl afterwards and got absolutely mothered.
Tuesday 7.25pm 09/12/03
Missed all of my lessons today, not very good at all. I also had a dodgy kebab last night and spent a fortune on booze and skunk and then lost my bank card. I have decided that apart from the Strokes concert, the Yanks/Brits drinking game rematch, watching the new Looney Tunes movie stoned, and going ice skating, its going to be a quiet week for me. Recuperating and not spending money because Im broke.
"Sex Laws"Monday 3.17pm 08/12/2003
I really can't tell you what I've done for the past week apart from that it was very little academically and quite a lot socially. Im missing more and more classes and going out practically every night. I buggered up my Italian exam and wrote an awful dissertation about a film with giant ants in it. Im exhausted, crabby and malnourished. The Strokes concert on Wednesday should change all that though. Does anybody want to come with me to the Blink 182 concert in February?
Sunday 9.26pm 30/11/03
"Personality Tests"Friday 6.49pm 28/11/2003
Wednesday, mixed painkillers, antibiotics and whiskey and ended up in a cafe at 7am with some Mancunians who gave me a chestnut in a wine glass to remember the occasion (?) Thursday got pissed with Kat who came down from Canterbury to visit and got properly bonged with her Greek pals and learnt a great new game called 'hungy', which involves 3 rizlas, a Britney album and some loose change. Tonight is the long awaited drinking challenge between the Brits, the Paddies and the Yanks, wish me luck! (Going to learn a game called Beirut which is supposed to be ace) Tomorrow, of course, is JT and the Black Eyed Peas. My dentist advised I have a quiet week in, buggeration! (There is a long white stringy thing growing out of my gum, shit scary)
Monday 7.44pm 24/11/2003
Had one of my 'Queen' wisdom teeth taken out this morning. Four stitches, cant eat until tomorrow. Was unbelievably messy. He charged me 30 euros extra because he had to use two of his drills. Fucker!
Sunday 7.45pm 23/11/03
I woke up this morning with mud under my fingernails. After a long think, it all came flooding back. At about 5am, we left a club and proceeded to nick decorations off a christmas tree outside a restaurant. I then dug a hole and planted my golden bauble in the lawn outside Notre Dame. Apparently I was convinced a 5euro note tree would grow if we waited twenty minutes. That just about sums up my whole week.
"Proof: Ronald McDonald is a paedo"Wednesday 9.57pm 13/11/2003
Just the other day myself and some American chums came across the premiere for 'Love Actually' on the Champs Elysees so we thought we'd hang arround and see which stars woould bother showing up. Result: Martine McCutcheon looked a right slag and ignored my pleas to return to Albert Square. Hugh Grant looked the typical smug fool, the Yanks seized Laura Linney and refused to let her pose for the photographs, and I shouted 'We love you, Hans Gruber' to Alan Rickman and he laughed, cool guy!
Sunday 7.56pm 16/11/2003
Last night I went to one of the most exclusive clubs in Paris. I foolishly bought a whiskey and coke for 16 euros. It is called L'Etoile. Don't EVER go there. Do, however, go here.
Thursday 2.07pm 13/11/2003
On Monday I had my wisdom teeth out. Next week I am having two more taken out, these ones being below the gum so the dentist will have to carve up my face to get at them. I cannot smoke or drink heavily for three weeks. Somebody kill me.
Saturday 4.27pm 8/11/03
Yesterday we discovered a secluded student bar that gives free cous cous dishes every evening, so upon getting pissed on 2euro beer, we were each treated to a stonking free plate of quality nosh. Class! Here is a pic of me looking very wasted in Starbucks, Canterbury with Naz when I visited 2 weeks ago.
"Starfucked, you might say"Thursday 4.48pm 06/11/2003
Woohoo! Going to see the Strokes in two weeks! Also gonna see Justin next month, but only because I quite liked Rock your Body and the Black Eyed Peas are supporting. Film Update: American Splendor is brilliant. Anything Else is soft Woody. Matrix 3 is ho-hum. Trinity dies (Get over it), and when the credits came everyone in the cinema applauded, what a bunch of losers! Counting the days till Kill Bill, missed the Tarantino Q&A at the Virgin Megastore. Bummer.
Monday 4.48pm 03/11/2003
I love Sundays in Paris, because the clubs close at 6am, and the rest of the day is spent whiling away the hours in bed having a REAL lie in (ie; sleeping till 5pm), not some namby pamby phoney hangover in front of June 'chewing broken glass' Sarpong on T4 after leaving some crappy garage muzak dive at (wow!) 2am. Vive les boozy soirees Francaises! Other news: Im off to watch the new Woody Allen flick in a mo, its going to be projected on Christina Ricci's forehead. Spam alert!
Saturday 6.46pm 1/11/03
Yikes! Its Halloween! More proof that the French really are quite stupid! a)Halloween has only been celebrated over here for a few years now. b)They actually think you are supposed to scare people, and play the role of a white blanket/witch-in-a-bin bag with tact and cunning. c)Stupid French kids dont say 'trick or treat', they just ask for sweets. Retarded little fucks. d)Their costumes are unbelievably shit, proboably because Jean Paul Gaultier has cornered the market.
"Frightening"Friday 9.15pm 31/10/2003
Last weekend I popped over to London to
pick up a fridgevisit my amazing friends, on a surprise visit. First I gatecrashed a houseparty and had a good lark, then met up with Naz and Kat on Saturday before going back to London and getting trollied in the Fez Club in Putney (Read: Dont EVER go here unless you live nearby and are very desperate) with Alex, who told me a doozy of a story about a rather messy fellatio/excrement accident. Sunday I got a little pissed with Tino, Ana and the Dark Lord in Leicester Sq. before getting a little more pissed with Scott in Fulham, where we then went to see Cabin Fever which is a great little movie. A thoroughly ace weekend, but alas I really cant go into the brilliant details as Ive got some free tickets to a posh club on the Champs, so have to fuck off now.
Wednesday 7.10pm 22/10/03
Thanks to French clubs having a knack of ripping you off whenever you ask for a beer at the bar, I have become accustomed to drinking Martini, all the bloody time, because it is the cheapest. Of course, I used to quite like this bohemian beverage, except that it is almost impossible to get pissed on it. Shite.
"Smeg Ryan"Tuesday 8.13pm 14/10/2003
I was on the metro today. Some hobo seated beside me was listening to a French Rap version of The Verve's 'Bittersweet Symphony'. Unfuckingbelievable. More news: The week has been propa blazin'! (squad). Got completely wazzed over the weekend with the Irish students in a seedy underground club. If you flirted with the hench bar ladies you got a free drink, and we kept stalking some Algerian guy who danced like Carlton out of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, a legend! All this for only 30 euro. Am also writing a script and am gonna get a vid cam so I can be all artsy and arsey. Oh, and they sell Teachers over here. Tres wicked, like!
Tuesday 2.05pm 07/10/03
Slowly but surely, I am beginning to realise that Im in it for the long haul. No more Murder She Wrote or Diagnosis Murder, no more excessive alcoholism or 10 packs of Mayfairs, no more ogling at S Club 8 on a Friday evening. But then again, hooray for cheapo vino and cheesio stinkio, late late license clubs and Funky French House! Oh baby!
"Big Smelly Bush"
Wednesday 12.43pm 01/10/2003
Just came out of my French exam and I did shit, hurrah!
