I hate...
This is a place where I tell you about the things in life that I detest and loathe, kind of in the style of a kindergarten schizo.
Guy Fawkes Night
I really don't see the appeal in subjecting oneself to the sub-zero elements, shaking pissy sparklers about, gulping warm beer and ooh-ing and aah-ing at a fucking Catherine Wheel or a wet Roman Candle that fizzles out after just two seconds. One big pathetic parade of shoddy razzle-dazzle and screaming brats. What is the appeal? Then you have the insultingly jovial GOOD NIGHT! slogan lit up in multi-coloured bulbs to signal the show's end, the odd letter dangling precariously above a fried badger. You would think the nightmare was finally over, but no, a gridlock of fat families and wheelchair users have created an impenetrable bottleneck at the park's exit. You are conned into forking out three pounds for a sausage in a bap, it's wretched similarity to a mangled shrew not even the most generous of mustard servings can disguise. Then there are the revolting bags of sweets, chavs in hoodies planting fountain cones under passing buses, and the occasional trampled mole, lying prostrate in a muddy puddle. The aforementioned being a relief of sorts as it at least amuses in as much as it disgusts. If Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up Parliament all those years ago we wouldn't be wasting our time and money on this stupid festival today. To conclude, I suppose there is simply no other way of saying it other than admitting it outright. I hate November the 5th.
Bonfire Politics
Odeon
Their popcorn is ridiculously overpriced, their student deals are shit and they wouldn't employ me.
Telling it like it is
'Mineral' Water
Look! Do you like my subliminal message I snuck in here on your left? Or did you even notice it I wonder? But wait, don't go quaffing that San Pellegrino just yet, let me tell you what an idiot you are first. Water! Bottled water! Think about it, isn't it ridiculous? WHY do we buy it? Because we are all (except me) stupid consumerist labradors, lapping up any old bollocks that our water bowl has been spiked with, courtesy of our lovely yet secretly vindictive owner, Mr. Greedy Corporate Shithead. I mean really, as regards water in plastic containers, although quite useful at work after a hangover, this has gone too far. A brand or two is enough, but now we're taking the piss. Why pay a quid for water? Some people say it tastes nice (lies) whilst others have been sucked into believing that it is good for their diet (twits). Water, believe it or not, can be found in everything we eat, it even falls from the sky occasionally, for free! I can't be bothered to go on with this any further, it really is common sense. Volcanicity? Up yours.
EVIAN spells NAIVE backwards
Friends
This show simply isn't funny any more, everyone knows that after the third series it went downhill, even the braindead fans can tell you that. So why watch it any more? Its crap. Half of them are anorexic or in rehab anyway, and if you listen carefully you can hear the cash registers ringing as Phoebe, Chandler & co. are wheeled out onto the sets. Turgid, embarrassing, bland and insultingly predictable.
Shitcom
Credit Lyonnais
Conniving corporate Shylocks, this motley crew of strained smiles and sweaty fingers will go to great lengths to scratch the last euro from your palm, along with a pound of flesh for good measure (aka taxing your cheques). Reader, you have never seen such treachery! Masquerading as a bank, this pawn shop charges you 5 quid (!!!) if you don't sign a cheque to yourself to withdraw cash from your own account from your local bank, where they know damn well who you are and where you live, because, in their own words "you could be anyone!" There's more: You are charged �7.50 if you lose your card, and �20 for a new one (free in the UK), why? Because apparently there's a 'computer' in the card. Its a fucking chip you morons. You also have to pay to have an account (oh, but they insure your house keys!) and apparently they're going to start charging for cheque books. It takes 3 weeks+ to process a foreign check in euros (and you are charged �20 for your inconvenience to them, they call this 'frais') and the student overdraft is a pathetic �300. Student bank, my arse. Credit Lyonnais, I piss on you!
Fraud: Could only be the frogs/wops
Plastic Bags
Its not so much the item that I can't stand, but the people who abuse them, without even using them! As a sales assistant at Clinton Cards Plc I have become accustomed to these fuckers, who need a bag for a cellophane wrapped card, or a fucking 39p cellophane wrapped gift tag. What is the bleeding point in THAT?! Idiots, I hate all of you and hope you die (content in the knowledge that your great great great grandchildren will be dredging up your waste from stinking landfills, for only then will humanity wake up and realise how stupid we were for taking non-biodegradable polymers for granted).
The HORROR!
S.W.A.T.
Quite possibly the worst film I have ever seen. Horribly acted, edited and directed, and on the whole inusultingly idiotic and fake. Apart from Colin 'Im an East End hard nut yobbo innit' (but actually a manor born public school silver spoon sucking wanker) Farrell, what is really awful about this tripe is that its going to rake in lots of money and make the idiots responsible for this rubbish exceedingly rich. And it actually takes itself seriously! All the originality and flair of a bin liner. On the other hand however, Michelle Rodriguez is in it (typecast, of course!) so its not the pits, then.
Quite right
BLAZIN' SQUAD
Ugly, talentless, pea brained thugs who encourage bullying, teenage sex and 'acting hard', who also have stupid names like Reepa and Melo-D. Ha! They try to be a junior version of So Solid. Hello? They were a pile of wank too! They've probably all bonked the Sugababes and raped Atomic Kitten, but they're not so wholesome either so I guess if you're a bone-headed pikey who digs these idiots, you might as well be planning your first trip to Mothercare. Eugh!
Ridiculous
CATS
Manipulative, scrawny, hate-mongering little monsters, these oversized rodents are a pestilence to humanity. And thanks to gormless, pea brained luvved up no-hopers, grannies and feminists, these mongrels will always have a home. Get rid of them! In times of stress there's nothing I like more than to think of the satisfaction gained from skinning a kitten and stuffing it into a tub of Saxa.
Cats hate you!
KIDS
What a nuisance. Pathetic, whimpering, screaming little moronic toerags, children should neither be seen, nor heard, nor acknowledged. I want this, I want that, there is no end to their incessant brat chat!
And they can't draw either
