Welcome to Days Of Our Lives, folks, or is that Fallin Crest, except that no one is lying comatose in hospital for three weeks and no one is plotting to kill anyone, that we know of, although Nick and Laurie exchange a few murderous looks. But somehow it all kind of works, the Nick Fix is looking healthier than our boy's buffed fingernails and I could honestly have swallowed the lot (without the codeine, even)... if it weren't for the assistant casting director's grandmother's poodle, Sheila.

Let me explain.

It's my understanding that there are thousands of out-of-work actors in LA, because after all if you're going to be an out-of-work actor you may as well be being one in LA. "Let's drag out that file of out-of-work actors and find this boy Lawrence a biological father," says the casting director, and then goes off on her lunch break leaving the task in the capable hands of the assistant casting director whose grandmother Nellie (or it may have been Ellie) tripped over her poodle (that's Sheila) and broke her hip, so the assistant casting director (whose name I forget) has to drive Nellie or Ellie to the hospital that afternoon and passes the task of finding Lawrence a father to the personal assistant to the assistant casting director, whose name is very definitely Felicity Nuggins, whose hands are quite capable at making coffee and touch-typing and such, but are unfortunately far less capable when it comes to doing the job for which the casting director and the assistant casting director were hired (and that's why they're paid the big bucks while Felicity Nuggins has to steal her nailpolish from K-Mart). And what does Felicity Nuggins do? Why, she leafs through the pile of glossy 8 x 10s that the agencies sent in and she dramatically exhales the occasional sigh because she'd much rather be making a personal phone call on company time to her boyfriend Pierre, who was once fired from the set of a Britney Spears video, and she skips over every actor in his 30s with a broad freckled nose and for reasons unknown selects the one out-of-work actor who, in the entire city of LA, looks the least like the boy playing Lawrence.

Okay, so he does look like a dentist, I'll grant you, but what's going on here? Is this slim-faced slender-nosed actor without a freckle in sight the producer's nephew, perhaps? Why, Nick looks more like Lawrence's father than Derek the dentist! In fact, Nick looks quite a lot like Lawrence's tee-vee father might look and what's more it wouldn't surprise me one bit to learn that he once had a dirty weekend with a woman who lacked moral fibre when he was in college (though she surely wouldn't have made him pay for it).

But seriously, I really did enjoy this one. My favourite part was watching Nick squirm as Rachel utters the words he least wants to hear, ever, from anybody: "You know, we never really talked about what happened with you - your problems." To which Nick, had he not been distracted by the woman before him on her knees - and we both know that these things are quite distracting to men in general - would have replied: "We Fallins just don't do that, I'm sorry." Instead, well, he does that thing with his thumb and for all we know she proceeds to ruin his shoes this time.

And before I leave, can I just say that in 1989 there were no fewer than 378,382 adult males living in Allegheny County. So Nick meets Lawrence, who's looking for his dad from this enormous pool of his mother's clients, and it turns out his dad just happens to be someone Nick knows. You do the math. Meanwhile, contemplate the following fascinating facts that I came across while researching the above statistics (amazing what a little determination can do, as young Lawrence could tell you): Pittsburgh was founded in 1758. It has 4 million tourists a year, an average humidy of 54% in October, a violent crime rate significantly lower than the national average, a heck of a lot of bridges, and it is the only city to consistently rank as one of the top ten Most Livable Cities in North America. And it's rather pretty, too.

* Doesn't thank or even acknowledge James for helping him find a file.

* Yells in court.

* Interrupts a partners' meeting.

* Walks out on Burton.

* Screws Rachel (so to speak).