I bet I can guess what went on here, even without remembering much about it. Someone got into trouble with the law, right? Thought so. Someone got promoted, demoted or suspended from their job, or all three. Judge Damsen presided over something with authority and style and had more lines than James and Burton combined. Lulu's domestic drama was as painful as chelation therapy and twice as tedious. A cute kid came to a bad end. Nick looked reluctant about something, everything, in this world that's not his world, and when not looking reluctant he looked tender or confused or shrewd, but any which way he always looked hot and was never shot from a bad angle because (duh) no one could find one. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

Rebecca Damsen is having her way with Mr Fallin again, and enjoying it more than ever. I would love to see them socialise. I wish Burton would invite them both over for Sunday roast. Nick would bring along his briefcase and Rebecca would put a restraining order on his files and tell him sternly to stop that, Mr Fallin, sit down, Mr Fallin and teach him some new dirty jokes. (He needs serious help in that department.) Burton would chortle and Nick would roll his eyes patiently and resolve to convince himself he was not having fun.

But I'm letting my imagination run away with me. This episode is not about roast beef and Yorkshire pud, it's about sex. Nick is a workaholic who takes that particular addiction to the Incline where he can keep one eye on the girls hanging around the dead plants and one ear on the ten o'clock news for the words “oriential massage parlour”. Barbara prefers an internet romance with a literary bent. Brian pays for hookers (as we know). Alvin gets it for free and everyone has an opinion about that, and doesn't hesitate to voice it (over and over and over and…). Lulu isn't getting any and doesn't want any. Seth – well, “gosh!” I don't think he's getting any, either, but I don't want to know. James says “I'm swamped” and promptly disappears.

Jake takes a stupid pill this week. First, he blabs to Nick the very big secret that Barbara specifically wanted to keep out of the Legal Services office, where Nick goes to dodge jail time. That's a betrayal of her trust as a friend and ethically unsound. Next, instead of cutting his losses by having Henry arrested for assault and extortion, he sues for the very slippery defamation and breach of contract with nothing but an antiquated law to draw upon. Finally, he beats up Henry in broad daylight in front of a crowd of witnesses while the lad's mates are three feet away. He's a partner now, and this sort of thing is apparently expected.

Back to Nick – yes, he is in here somewhere. Somewhere… Ah, his kid kicks him, then hugs him, neither of which Nick likes because such activities can leave one's tie a little lopsided and one may not notice in time to do another take. We meet Bryant's mother who probably did pop pills but probably did not ever tell her son he was charming and handsome, nor bake him cookies – all of which is slowly teaching Nick that his childhood wasn't so bad after all – not that it matters now because just as Bryant is starting to get interesting he falls into a coma, thereby reducing Nick's screentime even further because you can't interact much with your guardian ad litem while unconscious.

Nick figures it all out because it's his show, dammit, it's his show. He's already got one old friend involved in an unwanted paternity suit and will soon be putting another behind bars for the bunny murder. Here he snitches on Mark Hansen, who didn't do anything wrong, right? And Mark languishing in jail isn't going to stop Nick stopping by for dinner on Saturday night – he wouldn't mind being entertained by Mark's beautiful-as-ever-wife and her very-pretty-friend-from-Philly. All by himself. And Kim, if she's free. He wouldn't mind at all. Is he any less of a lawyer because he has a pornographic sex life?

Alvin, who most certainly should have solicited Nick's advice on his contract before he signed it, loses his seat on his own clinic's board to Lulu, who gives a shrug that seems to say, “Cool!” (You never can tell.) She makes a mental note to call Nick at 2 AM so he'll dash over in his white T and his mussed-up hair to explain the moral turpitude clause for her, while they both try to figure out how to get around it left-handed without Seth or the local TV station finding out.

Nick is all over this episode yet somehow not really in it. I've figured it out: this is the show corporate attorney Nick Fallin doesn't want to be in, after all, so he sent a memo to everyone else telling them to please find their own storylines and let him get back to corporate finance, which is too boring for prime time TV (for some) – thus the sickly, catatonic Nick Fix. Either that or someone's been feeding it paint chips.

But I saved the good news 'til last: I promise it's all uphill from here. Gosh! We're pleased. We're very pleased.

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* Asks after Julie (Mark's wife) and says yes to dinner.

* Offers to help Jake with his work.

* Gives Alvin support and sympathy about his legal predicament. (This could be the first ever NWI - Nick Walks In - on record.)

* Tells Jake his work was very good.

* Visits Bryant and sits with him.

Jake and the internet kid not only chat online in full sentences with correct spelling, but write out figures such as "three hundred dollars", "one thousand", "nine o'clock", etc. After Jake's previous escapades with dollar amounts (when he was refused a bank loan for $15,000), this is possibly the second most unbelievable thing that has ever happened on The Guardian.

In the worst intra-episode continuity error ever, Bryant's aunt is referred to as "Cheryl" by both Nick and Laurie in separate scenes (and is listed as Cheryl in the credits), but then Nick calls her "Cynthia" when they actually meet, and the woman does not object. Kill me now.

Janine is sitting in her underwear when she visits Lulu the day after her arrest. That's just plain weird.

Judging from the position of the staircase outside and the window inside, Jake's office appears to be Nick's office refurbished.

The judge presiding over Jake and Barbara's case is the same judge who in a few weeks' time is going to strike out Nick's freedom-from-compelled-speech argument with a wave of his hand (The Dark). He's not interested in setting Constitutional precendent regarding the First Amendment. However, today he's happy enough to listen to Henry's law professor's freedom-of-speech argument and find in Henry's favour.

Lulu tells Brian she knows he was arrested for solicitation and got “four Saturday afternoons of John School”. In Lawyers, Guns & Money, Nick told Brian it was "three weeks of John School".

KEY

Nick Fix Percentage of screentime allocated to Nick.

NWO (Nick Walks Out / Nick Walks Off) The number of times Nick leaves the room without first ending the conversation in a socially acceptable manner.

Indicates hot stuff (generally, Nick engaging in amorous activities or taking off his shirt).