It all started when Nick decided he wanted to spend more time with his father. Next thing you know, he got busted for drug possession and ended up serving his sentence under a 12-step control freak with a cardigan fetish. Then everything went pear-shaped. He's been propositioned by a transvestite, blackmailed by a schoolgirl, bribed by his probation officer, beaten up by a couple of clowns. He was the victim of unrequited love with a girl who called him a jerk-off, his ex wanted to have his baby, a space alien stole his promotion. He quit his job, quit his new job, went back to his old job, quit again. Once, apparently, he went skiing. He tried to control his tendencies and screwed up, tried to help his Mini-Me and screwed up, tried to protect his dad and screwed up some more. Then there was this whole thing with coke at Angel's Landing, cocaine in his apartment, a stripper in cardiac arrest and some rather nasty beige towels.

But never mind.

Nothing happened.

No really, don't worry about it. Let me assure you right now that he survives it all with nothing worse than a 38-dollar fine.

Between you and me, I'm hoping Nick restricts his vices this season to questionable business ethics, anti-social walkouts and rampant sexual promiscuity. Anything bad, as long as it's legal. Confine this man to one square metre of floor space and the movement of the entire show effectively grinds to a halt. "Frustration" (mine, too) is a word that barely does the situation justice. Not only can he not walk out, but he's forced to place his fate into the hands of others and to top it all off, he has to wear white socks.

Meanwhile, Burton's running around Pittsburgh like a headless chook to save his boy. A friend of mine asked me towards the end of last season if I "liked" Burton. (This is the same friend – a male, not that there's anything wrong with that – who after Shelter compared Nick Fallin to Jar Jar Binks. That's another story. It's not a very nice story.) Fair question, especially since this is Burton's episode.

Burton scares the hell out of me. That's scary in itself when you consider he's had 35 years longer than Nick to mellow and yet Nick doesn't scare me at all (although another week without a barber and his hair will be terrifying). I think Burton sometimes scares his son, too, especially when he's doubting the veracity of Nick's testimony and is contemplating not putting a little girl on the stand just because she's a good kid who's been abandonned and doesn't deserve to be hurt again. (Wasn't I a good kid, Dad?)

With Nick denied much opportunity to earn Naughty but Nice Nick stars this week, I will bestow the leftover ones upon Burton instead. He gets a Devious Dad star for feeding Shannon under false pretences, another for not listening to her, a couple more for lying on the stand about whether or not he prompted her, and a big shiny gold one for taking her to Alvin after telling her he's not going to do anything bad to her. He gets a few Darling Dad stars, too, for holding Shannon's hand and for not asking what the hell techno is but saying he doesn't like it anyway. While he watches the little girl prattle he's trying to figure out how to turn her on to country and western music. It never worked with Nick, who as a boy preferred some obscure Australian pub-rock band called Rose Tattoo.

Thirty days in the county jail
Let me out and I just wanted to wail…
I'm a bad boy
A bad boy for love.

Which reminds me, heeeeere's Lulu! Married life is treating her well – in fact, if her new top is anything to go by it's bringing out the animal in her. And here's Nick being rather a prick as for the third time he's looking at her that way through plate glass and wishing she would see him. He leafs through the FiloFax In His Mind to find the moment they last met (Armani, BMW, Caldwell, Darger, Extortion, Fallin & Straka, Goose…) and takes it from there, as if the intervening seven days have never happened – which they haven't, at this moment, because aside from the occasional meltdown Nick does keep his worlds separate. As far as he's concerned, she just told him she got married and so now he wants to know why. The very idea that someone he wants to want him wants someone else – well, it does not compute.

Lulu may be tucking back her own hair these days, but she still needs Nick's assistance in legal matters, or at least the appearance of the need. Nick would rather discuss getting naked but there's a sign that reads 'No Profanity' so instead he plays along at making himself useful by giving her case information she already knows, and then smiles so charmingly that she has to remove herself from his presence before she realises that she seriously regrets the dead walnut tree, the lamps, the knobs and everything else she wanted to do with her life. I mean, look at the man. I would reconsider. Even in orange. I would reconsider everything.

Jake visits, too, with a splitting headache after witnessing Caldwell's desecration of Burton's office decor, and Nick gets that lovely soft cooing thing going, that thing he does with guys he likes – that thing he did with Hank to extract a free jet plane, that thing when I was least expecting it. It worked a treat with Hank, but Jake is made of sterner stuff and rejects his advice – he'd rather push papers with Nick while James pushes papers for him than work for Caldwell, who if I'm not mistaken has fired Sheila, and that's just not right.

I've steered away from facing up to the Nick Fix because I can't easily deny that Burton more than fills Nick's shoes, so to speak, and is frankly adorable (but still scary) alongside the adorable Shannon. But it can't be ignored forever. The Nick Fix is piddling and it's piss weak and I don't get it. Dabney Coleman with a paper bag over his head still has the charisma to carry a weekly TV show and for all I know maybe he already has – the guy's had a long career. I'm not so sure he should be carrying this show, especially not the season premiere when new viewers are already scratching their heads over the backstory and trying to figure out why the hell a show called The Guardian doesn't have a guardian in it.

That said, if I pretend I'm watching a show called Burton In Da House, complete with rap soundtrack as he traipses single-mindedly up those steps to bribe an 11-year-old with french fries, I'm enjoying it very much. And I do like this man. Did I remember to say that? He won't let Nick thank him, which is so Fallin. He doesn't dare mention the phone message in case Nick walks out, but instead goes into great detail about the one thing Nick has been losing sleep over since Friday night (no, not Bart starving to death in his back yard) – his mail. And he calls him son. (Oops. I melted.) The only thing missing is a stern admonishment to Shannon after she finally meets Nick: “Young lady, I think you owe my son an apology.”

The Nick Fix may be shot and I can't think of anything insightful to say about the Very Special Guest Star, but there are three little things that made me realise everything's going to be okay – and I hope you were paying attention. When Lulu queries Nick's impertinent question, did you catch the almost imperceptible shrug with his eyes? Gimme a break, you know what I mean. When Shannon lies on the stand and his hopes dissolve, did you catch his gentle blameless look of sympathy? She's only a kid, and Nick knows kids, and he'd have done the same for his mom. When Burton seems to herald bad news about the robing with “The thing is…”, and Nick thinks cousin Ruth must have got the gig (You understand, son…), and then Burton does a sort of reverse-Lulu because he was offering it to Nick all along, because he's the only family that ever counted, did you catch the frown, the gulp, the unshed tears?

I don't think I reflect very well on you.

His self-esteem has taken a battering but you know Nick. He'll stick this one in his FiloFax under Things To Do In Pittsburgh When You're Wearing Orange – that's right between Strip Clubs and Unidentified Fallin Objectives – and he'll move on. He'll walk out and step blinking into the light, for there's a whole new world out there with deals to deliver, children to champion, fenders to bend, blondes to boink, and so many, so many unlocked doors begging to be walked out of...

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* Thanks Mary Gressler for saving his butt.

* Is humbled by his father's request.

In another bout of screwy mathematics that will henceforth be called the Free Gulfstream Jet Phenomenon... If Nick takes the DA's deal of a felony charge and 2 years' jail, he "could be out in 14 months". However, his lawyer Beldon already told Burton that if Nick takes a felony charge he will also have to serve his original sentence from last year. (We don't know what this sentence was, but presumably it relates to his 3-year probation.) There's no way Nick could be out in 14 months if he has to serve that on top of the current sentence.

Burton claims that Nick is his only family. In Lolita? Nick said there were Fallin aunts, uncles and cousins in Donora. Burton also has a 'cousin Ruth' from 'Mt Aire', who left a phone message congratulating him.

Kudos on the steady camera, sharp focus and a couple of great scene transitions, but the sound editing in this episode leaves something to be desired. It's out-of-sync in places, and at one point Simon actually manages to speak a couple of syllables from a different take without opening his mouth. The superfluous traffic noises at the final hearing (was that a cricket pavilion?) were distracting, and the thunderstorm during Jake's visit made it sound like they were meeting in a tent, not a stone-walled jail.

The Beginning ended on a Thursday, according to the date stamp. Burton's answering machine, and Mary at the hearing, now state that Mandy's 'accident' happened on a Friday. Nick's preliminary hearing and James's interview at Caldwell are unlikely to be taking place the following day, which would be Saturday. More likely they happen on Monday, and the weekend has been omitted (big surprise). Burton would surely have visited Nick during that weekend, but he must have done so with Beldon present because when Nick asks to speak with his dad it appears to be the first time they've been alone.

KEY

Nick Fix Percentage of screentime allocated to Nick.

NWO (Nick Walks Out / Nick Walks Off) The number of times Nick leaves the room without first ending the conversation in a socially acceptable manner.

Indicates hot stuff (generally, Nick engaging in amorous activities or taking off his shirt).