Reclaiming The Goddess ~ A Personal Transformation Fairly recently, I came to realise that I was suffering personally from depression. Rather like Inanna's Descent , with her being a prisoner of the underworld (her own depression), she managed to find her way back out again. This is currently the point where I am now - finding my way out of my own personal inner hell. Though I was and am still hurting badly on the inside, I came to realise that this path is not one that should be walked on for long periods of time. You tend to lose yourself within yourself a little too easily by treading such a path. Recently, I received news from my lawyer that my divorce was final - after almost 3 and 1/2 years. The reason it was stretched out over such a long period of time, was down to me. I needed to find a way to make my ex feel as much pain as I possibly could, because of the great pain he caused to me, our marriage, and to our children who have suffered greatly. At the time, this was the only way I could do it - by prolonging the divorce so he could not remarry and make a new life for himself with seeming ease in the United States. And over this period of time, I have walked down the road of depression, and in doing so, I lost my way. I very effectively cut off my ties with the Goddess. Although I did not yet realise that, eventually, I came to an understanding that a part of me was missing, and that I needed to find it again. Now, many people may choose to believe that the Mother actually exists, and that they can pray to Her, commune with Her, do rituals and healings in Her name, etc. And some choose to believe that She exists within us. That we ARE Her. We are a physical and spiritual manifestation/representation of Her. When we are lost on a path that leads us nowhere but down into the depths of prolonged despair, we are very effectively closing the door on the life - affirming side of ourselves. Now, before I carry on with this particular train of thought, it bears mentioning that the Lady doesn't simply represent light and life - She also has a dark side, meaning there are times in which we will walk on darker paths, going through a spiritual and personal cleansing of the Self. Sometimes, a side of us must die in order for there to be room for rebirth and life, and this side of Her represents that. And there are times in which this is very necessary, and helps us on our path to personal enlightenment - so long as we don't get too comfortable and choose to remain there forever. It is said that when you are in that much pain, you reach a point where it can't get any worse or hurt any worse than it does already, and some take a strange kind of comfort in that fact. But choosing to remain, is choosing not to live and breathe. I am a firm believer that the spoken and written word holds a great deal of power. When you acknowledge something by speaking it openly, or writing it down on paper, you are in a very real sense, affirming that such a thing has life - has the energy to affect us on many levels. If some problem has a hold on us, we cannot grow, we cannot breathe. We are being choked. The best way to solve a problem is "in medias res" - in the midst of.. In other words, go straight through the middle of it, and face it bravely, head on. Some things we know that if we deal with them in such a manner, it will reopen a wound that may well have been closed, but has not properly healed, and by acknowledging it we are causing it to bleed again - or, making ourselves open and vulnerable. But acknowledging a problem exists, is taking the first step towards solving it, and a step towards healing yourself of it. Often, there is alot of relief that feels like a great weight has been lifted by simply coming to this conclusion. Remaining on this path for extended periods of time is like denying a plant light and water, both of which it needs to grow and live. When we are denied the right to live, we become stagnant, and begin to die inside. And there is a good possibility for some of dying a physical death - not just a spiritual one. And so I came to realise that I had been walking down this path for far too long. The odd thing was, I hadn't realised how far I had allowed myself to go. I saw no end in sight, and was fooled into thinking that little pleasures here and there had truly helped me "awaken" and begin to see the light of day again, when in all truth, that wasn't the case, and it wasn't the case because I had not allowed myself to forgive and let go, and move on. Until recently. For many years, I kept certain personal issues that happened in my life, to myself, choosing not to share them, or at least not go into depth with them. By keeping these things on the inside, like Inanna, they ate away at my soul. It caused tremendous pain, and that was pain I was not prepared to deal with. There are some things which have taken years for me to fully acknowledge, because the enormity of it and the great pain that would surely come as a result was far too big a burden to bear. When these things began affecting my life in such a profound way as to totally disrupt it, I had no choice but to acknowledge there were problems which were simply too big for me to solve on my own, and asking for help in doing so was not a weak thing to do. Asking for help to get through times of great personal anguish and pain, is like asking for a crutch to help you walk when walking is something you cannot do unassisted. You realise that this kind of help is simply a temporary means, and over time, that pain and anguish will subside substantially to the point where walking is no longer painful. And this is the point where I am currently. I longed for happiness. I wanted to breathe freely again. I wanted to be able to really smile, and laugh again, and not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wanted to be able to shout out loud with wreckless abandon of the joys of being and feeling alive again! I wanted to have a total reawakening of my senses, and to be able to let my soul fly free! I needed to be able to communicate with other womyn again. This is something really profound here - it seems when we are depressed, that we tend to shut people out. We don't allow them to get close to us, because we feel maybe they will be affected or tainted by that which is suffocating us, or that if we let someone in, they'll simply add to what's already present, thus making things worse. It was amazing to just get to a point in which I felt I could finally allow myself to make this step. And when I did so, it felt as though I had been let out of prison, that the key which was lost in the dark for so long, had suddenly been found, and the door was now unlocked. All I had to do at that point was CHOOSE to walk away from my prison, and leave it behind me. This morning, Thursday, May 27th, after having dropped my girls off at school, I was walking back home, and suddenly, my whole being opened up to the elements and the energy flow that poured into me was so overwhelming and cleansing. I felt a sense of peace and joy that I had not felt in such a long time, and it was wonderful. For the first time in a long time, the Goddess reawoke within me, and I allowed myself just to feel and experience the enormity of that very profound moment, that transition within me that needed to take place. It's funny, because I did a reading for myself the other day, and the death card showed up, and it very firmly stated in a voice which was loud and clear to me, "out with the old, in with the new". This day will be remembered by me as one of true importance, because I realised at long last that I truly wanted to be alive again, and wanted the Goddess in me to show Herself to the world again. I wanted my inner strength back, and there was only one way that was going to happen, and that was to reclaim it. This does not mean that I am completely healed, or that I am totally out of the dark depths - but I am on the right path for such a transformation to occur. One thing that really drove this home to me today, was through an e-mail that I receive daily from a wonderful womyn's list I recently joined - there was a quote within it that said: "There is nowhere for me to look, all the strength I need is already inside me".. The written word..It holds such great power. One thing I truly hope for, is for you who are now reading this article, to realise at what point you currently are at on your path, and if you need to reclaim the lost part of yourself, I hope this somehow helps you to find the strength to undertake the journey. And if it should be that the journey needs to be made, face it bravely. In order to help keep your mind in a positive place while on this journey, I made use of an affirmation that was within an e-mail I received that I feel is helpful in maintaining this mindframe. "The name we give something can greatly impact how we relate to that thing. Call it 'fearsome' and we tend to be afraid. Call it 'beautiful' and we tend to see beauty. Call it 'trusting' and we tend to trust. Of course, the thing is more than the name we give it -- we must not confuse ourselves by making the thing and its name synonymous. Today we allow all our actions to be named "trust" while at the same time, we dip into the consciousness of trust. If every step is a step of trust, then our steps move us from trust to trust to trust and away from non-trust and distrust. If you have a specific action that today or tomorrow calls you to trust deeply, take a moment to be with that act in consciousness. That is, be with the idea of the action -- both before and while acting -- touch the essence of the action, taste the feelings of the action. Let the act itself be an opportunity for trust to flow through you: be with the idea of trust, touch the essence of trust, and taste the feelings of trust. Act and trust. Trust and act"... Copyright Jeanie Marshall, Empowerment Consultant Other affirmations you can repeat as often as you wish, are the following: "In the Name of the Maiden: I will speak my truth fearlessly". "Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life". ~ Joan Lunden, in Healthy Living Magazine "I own my life. And only mine. And so I shall appreciate my person. And so I shall make proper use of myself". ~ Ruth Beebe Hill "Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain". ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson The above affirmations were gleaned as a result of Granny Moon's Morning Feast, and can be had daily in your mailbox by joining the following list: A Safe and Sacred On-Line Community for Women For both ladies and gentlemen out there I sincerily hope that this article has imparted not only some much needed wisdom, light, and fresh air, but also some measure of courage to take on your own journey of transformation, and reclaiming the God/dess in you. May your life and your path be richly blessed with joy, and the abundance of happiness :o) Silver ~ Copyright ~ Silver Rainbolt 2004 ~ All Rights Reserved. You may not legally copy any part of this document without prior written consent of the author. Doing so, infringes upon copyright, and is punishable under the law. Copyright 2004 held by Silver Rainbolt/In Medias Res with the exception of special excerpts used from other authors, in which those authors have been named, and appropriate credit given to ensure their ownership. Many thanks to Granny Moon and her Morning Feast newsletter which aided me greatly in writing this article. :o) Back To Main