A Room With Two Views, Ch. 1

The song's been playing now for easily three hours. The time doesn't feel like much right now, but the clock on the wall isn't as out of it as I am. I don't think anyone could be this out of it without help. Me, I don't need help. I am just a freak that way, I guess. I'm still surprised I was able to keep the truck on the road when I first heard this song on the radio. Now here I am, on my own couch with my very own copy, blasting the living hell out of my ears and my mind, all because some British Captain put into words the only thing I will never have the courage to face.

It's starting again, and here comes all the pain with it. Again. Let it come. I deserve it.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

Three years. We've spent almost every waking moment together for three straight years, and to this day I'm still discovering new things about my best friend. Had I simply never paid attention? Blair always looks at me like I should know these things yet I don't. Had I just not cared at first? Was I truly that callous? That jaded? Blair has changed that. Blair has changed so much, and I haven't. I have been the steadfast fort of impenetrable idiocy. And Blair has weathered it all, to reach the deepest parts of me.

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

But what have I done for Blair? I shoved him into a wall the first day I met him, and all he wanted to do was help me. His crackpot theories are the only reason I'm anywhere outside a loony bin right now, and I hurt him. I lashed out at everything he did, even when I was trying to protect him. Protect him. Yeah, some 'Blessed Protector' I turned out to be. I couldn't even keep him out of women trouble, let alone any other kind.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.

Maya. God, that bitch had done a number on Blair. And what did I do? I let him have his time, his space, even when all I wanted to do was go to him and hold him, comfort him in the way he'd always done for me. I felt his every sob, every tear that trekked down his face. I wanted to reach out to him, but he'd always been so skittish, so afraid. I didn't want him to bolt, but dear God, have I driven him away by giving him what I thought he needed?

It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

And Alex. Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo stick, Alex. Not only could I not protect him, I couldn't even keep my dick in my pants long enough to see how much I was hurting him until it was too late. My heart still freezes every time I think about it. His clothes smelling like mildew. His hair snarled and sopping. Christ, I never thought I'd seen his eyes look so dull, so lost. And I'd done it to him. Alex didn't kill him. I did, with my negligence, my idiocy.

I killed my best friend. And he's still here with me. My Guide.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.

And now here I sit, alone, as I should be. I don't deserve someone like him. He needs someone to be there for him, and I never have. He's put his whole life on hold for me, and all I ever did was give him grief. He's formed his career around me. He's pinned his hopes and dreams on me, and all I've done is make his life miserable. Putting him in danger, knowing he would never consent to just 'stay in the truck' and wait for me. He's taken such amazing care of me, and all I do is make him unhappy. Tear his theories apart with my anger and my fear, laugh at his natural way of doing things. Make fun of his hair, his clothes, his earrings, everything that makes him him.

Even the times when he rushes headlong into some crazed situation after me, I feel so grateful when he�s there, even knowing that if anything ever happened to him, I'd eat my gun. No thought, no decision, just simple fact.

And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

The song goes on, so perfectly achingly alarmingly true, and I keep running my fingers through my hair like it's going to provide an answer. Why does he stay? Why does he put up with me? I look around this place, and he's everywhere I look. Little pieces of him everywhere. I can�t believe how much of himself he�s put into this place. This truly is our home. And now it's nothing without him here. Even now, looking at all his things, it still feels so hollow without him here. I smell him everywhere around me, inside me, but dear Gods without him here it's like a dream. A dream I know I'm going to wake from.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

But is that so far off? I know one day he'll tire of me. One day I'll say something, do something, and he'll just let it all go. He'll give up the ghost, I know he will. I'm not worth all this. I know that now. He's put so much into this, into me, and I've made it all so hard. One day I'm going to come home and he won't be here, and I know it will be the end of me.

I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

I breathe deep, filling myself with his scent. Part shampoo, part incense, part just plain skin, and it all adds up to leave my eyes burning. To whatever Gods keep wayward Sentinels and their Guides, what did I ever do right to bring this man into my life? And what price could I pay to keep him?

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

So many nights I've seen those eyes stare up at me, expecting, and I don't know what to say. I never do. I'm such a statue. Carolyn was right; I am a robot. I'm nothing without Blair to Guide me.

But in my wildest dreams, he doesn't care about any of that. He reaches out to me, touching me, holding me, and I don't know what's different between that world and this, but he loves me. He says it, he shows it, and I can't keep from screaming with the sheer intensity of it. I don't even know what I want, I just want him. His eyes, his touch, I don't even know what they'd be like but I do, I know. I feel his hands on me every day, feel his warmth when I touch him, just to make sure he's there.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

But it's not real, none of it. Dreams don't make it real, even if I do want... something.

And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be

I will wake from this dream, and my dream is Blair. Blair will leave me, and he'll take everything I am with him, leaving me as he found me: a shell. Alone. Miserable. Lonely. When he leaves, he'll take my soul, because otherwise it will die without him near.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

Can't stop shaking...

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Every night I listen to him breathing...

I'd be the father of your child.

He'd have such beautiful children. He deserves love, a family, not some washed up freak of a cop...

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

Gods, yes, in a heartbeat, his heartbeat...

I know your fears and you know mine.

Only you, Blair. Only you know who I really am...

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

I want to believe it so much. Can�t stop the tears. I'm so pathetic...

And I love you, I swear that's true.

Can't be without you, Blair...

I cannot live without you.

Please, please don't leave me...

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Feel something, feel it pull my hands down from my face, the light in those eyes glittering beyond the saline in mine. Blair? Where did you come from? Oh, sweetheart, why do you look so sad? What did I do to make you look like this? I reach out to him, and his touch is electric. It burns, it freezes, his gaze makes my eyes hurt, but I can't look away. He looks so upset, afraid. I know I did this. I did this to him, too. Jesus, Blair, will you ever forgive me putting you through all this?

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.

He slips between my knees, close enough that his breath mingles with mine. I can smell him, and it isn't fear anymore. It's not even sadness. And I know he sees it all. He looks right through me, like he always has, and he sees me, sees me. He's the only person in the whole world who's ever seen this in me. My Guide, my friend, my best friend, my only friend. He sees my weakness, he knows my shame. And he cares.

I take his hand in mine and can't help pressing it to my watered-down face. I hear his breath catch in his throat, and I want to scream until my throat cracks. No, sweetheart, don't feel that for me. I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of this, of you...

And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

"I'm so sorry." Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for doubting you. Sorry for making this so hard. I owe you everything. My life, my sanity, my heart. Yes, you have my heart, Blair. Always have, I was just too stubborn and stupid to admit it.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

"For what? Jeez, Jim, why didn't you tell me?" Because you weren't supposed to know. Because you weren't supposed to stay. You were supposed to leave and never come back and I was supposed to live alone, like I always have. I can't get the words out to save my life, but it doesn't really matter, not anymore. I'd never be able to tell him without ruining everything anyway. He's the one who's good with words, not me. I'd fuck it all up, and he'd leave, and I'd get my wish to be alone after all. Heaven help me�

You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

"I didn't know. I never knew until..." Oh god, this is so hard. I can't even look at him! And yet here he is, within reach, touching me. Touching me, holding onto me, like he cares. Like... like he really wants to be here.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I am nothing without you, Blair Sandburg.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I curl around him, and I can feel the tears coming down my face again. I try to stop them, but I can't. And for once in my life, I don't hear my father's voice inside my head telling me I'm a weakling. I just hear him, Blair, his breathing, his heartbeat. His heart, the thing that keeps me sane when I can barely hold it all together. His heart, that brings me out of my worst zones simply by being there, constant, unending. Like Blair.

My Gods, I need him so much.

I love him...

"I couldn't... I want..."

"Shhhh, it's ok." Jesus, those eyes. Does he even know how much they glow when he smiles like that? What does it mean? Why don't I know? I will, damn it all. I will know everything about this man before the end of my days. I swear it.

"I'll stay as long as you want me here, Big Guy." I don't deserve this. It's all I can think of as he holds me, and my eyes refuse to turn off the faucets. I don't deserve this kindness, this devotion. I don't deserve him. But I'm not letting go. I can't. Not now, not ever again. Losing him once almost killed me. He's mine, and no one is taking him from me again.

And I'm his, Gods forgive me.

"Chief�"

"I'm here, Jim. I�m right here." Blair pulls just far enough back to touch me, my cheeks, my eyes, erasing my tears with those full, luscious lips, just like he does all the pain, the guilt. Can he taste them on me? Could he know? Of course he knows. He knows everything. He knows me.

He licks my cheek one last time, and it makes me shiver. I want to taste him, too. I want to feel him like this always, warm in my arms. I want to know what he sounds like up close and personal when he sleeps, not just second hand with tuned up hearing while he�s dreaming in his room. I want to make love to him for hours, and it scares the living daylights out of me to even think about, but I still want to. I want to so much it burns, but I can't. I know I can't, not yet. This is enough, this moment, this understanding. This will have to be enough, at least for now.

I wrap myself around him and pull in tight as my forehead lands on his shoulder, just to make sure some of his scent rubs off on me, so I can keep it with me tonight. To sleep, and to dream of him.

"Thank you."