Part 68
The little dog dragged the pioneers several miles to a Colonial house in a pristine Long Island neighborhood. They crept across the manicured lawn and up a tree next to an upstairs window. Inside there were voices... Back to silverchair stuff
"That drummer came back, but we've got Scarface or whatever her name is out of the way. Who should we take care of next?"
"What about that bassist? No one's going to notice him gone, he never talks. Later we'll come back for Junta!"
The pioneers couldn't believe what they were hearing. Someone was plotting to get rid of them one at a time! dreamer and Ada, with their unusually good eyesight, couldn't believe what they were seeing through the window. Three girls around age 16 or so with pictures of Carson Daly and Britney Spears on their walls were mapping out a strategy on a chalkboard!
"Ada, you're the Chosen One. What do we do?" Angie hissed.
Ada began to think. This was an unusual turn of events. The people that the pioneers were trying to save by ridding the world of pop music were in turn trying to destroy them. Finally, a thought came to her. "Where is Ozzy?"
While all of this was going, Ozzy had seemed to have disappeared from the crew. The one person who could perhaps help them in this dilemma had disappeared.
"Okay everyone," she said, "we need to summon Ozzy back here."
"But how on earth are we going to do that?" asked Angie.
"Angie you dumbass...all we have to do is drink a few bottles of scotch and burn a poppet that looks like a devil while chanting the words to Nativity In Black!"
"Oh, well, that's easy enough," Angie muttered, blushing.
Ada continued. "Daniel, you're over 21. Can you go pick up some scotch?"
"Hey!" Ben protested. "Why does Danny-boy get to pick up the booze?"
dreamer looked up from the devil poppet she was stitching. "Because if you and Chris buy it, you'll drink it all before you get back!" The pioneers laughed.
"She's right, you know," Daniel chuckled.
An hour later, the pioneers were drunk off their arses (except Daniel - since he couldn't drink he'd been declared group chaperone in case something went wrong), they had a good fire going, and were drunkenly chanting the oh-so-familiar lyrics. dreamer raised the poppet over the fire and dropped it in. True to Ada's word, Ozzy appeared in a cloud of black smoke.
"I've been looking everywhere for you kids!" he slurred in that way that only Ozzy can.
"Likewise..." Kelnino replied. "Thou art surely unknowing of our tribulations, Goodman Ozzy. A terrible plight hast fallen upon yonder children's heads...They plot to take our lives, and thus give birth to a more auspicious legacy of pop stars than thou hath ever seen. Verily, thou and thy devilish companions shalt aid thy friendly neighbors and rid the land of yonder foolish witches..."
"OH...okay," Ozzy considered. "So what's the problem?"
Kelnino sighed and threw her hands up in the air. "I haveth been reading a great deal of The Scarlet Letter, and it taints my mind with its monotony."
"Shut up, Kelly." dreamer pushed her out of the way. "This is the situation, Ozzy...these girls here in Long Island are conspiring to get rid of us pioneers! They've already replaced Ben and Scars with robot doubles - we thought they were dead and everything! You've dealt with lots of opposition before - what do we do?"
"Well," Ozzy slurred, "I guess there's always the Ozzy Osbourne approach!"
"What's that?" Kelnino asked, confused.
"Scare the living @%#$ out of them, of course!" Ozzy roared, grinning. "Now here's the plan..."
"Yes!" exclaimed Junta. "And by late March 1865, it was clear that the end of the Confederacy was near. Grant and Sheridan were approaching Richmond from the west, while Sherman was approaching from the south. WOW! And guess what? On April 7 - in response to news that Lee and his troops had been overcome by Grant's forces at Petersburg- President Davis and his government abandoned their capital, setting it afire to keep the northerners from taking it!"
"What a bloody #@$%face, this Davis fellow," Robin commented.
"Yeah..." dreamer agreed, hypnotized by the wonder of Junta's U.S. history lesson.
"What in the bloody hell is she on?" Ozzy asked Daniel, indicating Junta.
"Probably just cough syrup again," Daniel deadpanned. "Just continue. She'll get over it."
Ozzy interrupted Junta to explain his plan. "First we'll need a fishing net, then some really big stereo speakers, then those torture chairs from A Clockwork Orange..."
"But what about Robert E. Lee?!" Junta screamed.
"Uhhh...what about him?" dreamer was getting annoyed.
"Well..." Junta tapped her foot. "Robert E. Lee lost Arlington, the plantation that his wife had inherited. The quartermaster general of the Union turned Lee's front lawn into a cemetery for the Union dead so that no one would ever live in the house again. After the war, Lee became president of Washington College in Virginia, now known as Washington and Lee University. Although he swore renewed allegiance to the United States, Congress resufed to restore his citizenship. Still, Lee never spoke bitterly of Northerners or the Union. He died in 1870-"
"That's nice, Junta. Now shut up!" dreamer snapped. "What'd you do? Memorize your history book?"
Junta nodded enthusiastically in reply and said, "It took me 26 days, 3 hours, and 21 minutes. Can you believe that?"
"That's sick, Junta." KelNino shook her head.
"Anyways...Can we take care of these pesky kids now?!" dreamer grumbled.
"We'd better," Daniel mused. "They obviously know their stuff. We could be on to something big - perhaps another Britney conspiracy?"
"With the kind of luck we've had with her, I wouldn't be surprised," Ozzy agreed. "Now let's get those supplies, eh?"
A couple of hours later, the pioneers put Ozzy's plan into action. One by one, the teenage conspirators were hunted down, caught, sedated with some very strong jasmine tea, and dragged back to the MTV studios, where our heroes had set up a little surprise for them...
"Mrrgh...where the #%@$ are we?" one of them groggily grumbled as she came to. The girls all screamed when they realized they couldn't move. They had been strapped into chairs!
"Surprise!" Kelnino yelled. "Screw things up for the almighty Bathroom Pioneers, will you?"
"Wh-what are you going to do to us?" of of the girls whimpered.
"Relax, we're not going to hurt you," Daniel reassured her. "We're just going to cure you and your little friends of your habit of trying to stifle the rock revolution!"
"Oh, okay," the girl said. She began to whistle happily.
"Stop that whistling...stop it!" Daniel complained. The girl's whistle grew in intensity, and seemed not unlike a fire alarm.
"Yow! It's awful!" KelNino slapped her hands over her ears. "It's like...little knives...in my brain..."
"St-stop!" dreamer screamed as she fell to the floor, her hands cupping her ringing ears. The girl only whistled louder, and all the bathroom pioneers fell under the shrill pierce of her whistle. Had they known who this girl was, they would have killed her immediately and she would never have had the chance to use her wicked voice upon them. For this girl was none other than ANGIE! She was back and completely confused. She whipped out her pipe and ganja, sat down, and said, "So, kids, what's been going on here...and shiznot?"
The pioneers' jaws dropped to the floor. Finally Robin spoke: "What in the bloody hell got into you, Angie?!"
Angie calmly took another hit. "Chill, Rob. I overheard those girls plotting against us that one day when we were all getting the old TRL set fixed up for the show, and I decided to infiltrate."
"Well, that's all fine and dandy, Angie," Kelnino managed to get out, "But cut to the chase already!"
"Pardon?"
"As our spy, what do you think we should do to stop them for good?"
Angie grinned. "Simple. Remember that one day when we were bored out of our skulls in our hotel room while dreamer was freaking out about MTV suing her for the death of Carson Daly? Ben and I conducted a few experiments with Daniel's dirty socks and some snack cakes and developed a type of brain-eating spore. Still got it, Ben?"
Ben took out a small corked test tube. "Got it. Now how do we release the spores?"
"The girls are having a sleepover tonight. All we have to do is put a little bit into their ears and by morning they'll be too ditzy to plot against anything!"
That night, Angie finished the bowl and blew out the last smoke. "Anyone want an avocado mask?...We need to send someone in to infiltrate the sleepover so...who's going in?"
Everyone looked around the room. All eyes stopped at the girliest member. "Daniel..."