Part 67
"Are you him?" KelNino stared up at Ben. Back to silverchair stuff
"Who?" Ben asked.
"Him..."
"Yeah, uh...I'm him..." Ben was very confused.
"How are you doing that?" KelNino tugged at Ben's pantline.
"What?"
"Walking on water? How are you walking on water? You are him! You're Jesus!"
"I thought Kelnino didn't believe in God or any of that," Scars mused.
"She doesn't," Angie replied.
"Something must be wrong with Kelnino," dreamer concluded.
"Oh, we've known that for quite some time now," Daniel snickered. Kelnino, entranced by Ben/Jesus, didn't even smack him.
"I'm serious, you guys. Has she been hypnotized? Maybe she's hallucinating! Who's got a flashlight?" dreamer yelped. Chris did, and dreamer checked Kelnino's pupils.
"She's on *something,*" dreamer concluded, running a quick test on what was left of Kelnino's drink. "It's been tainted with a substance similar to acid. Maybe the police can trace it," she said, dialing a number on the phone.
A couple of hours later, thanks to an antidote, Kelnino was coming out of it, and the NYPD had two suspects in custody...one of Madonna's backup singers and the owner of a local punk club.
Meanwhile, Angie decided that Ben really was Jesus, and also decided to crucify him to see if he would rise again. But he didn't, so they put his head on a stick.
"He's Metacom! I swear it!" KelNino raved, pointing to Ben's head.
"What?" dreamer looked at the gruesome sight.
"The damn Puritans did it! Look! They put his head on a stick! It's happening all over again! What next? The Pequot War?"
"The what?" Robin asked in confusion.
"Make them stop! Shut up! All of you!" KelNino bashed herself over the head repeatedly. "You killed Metacom! But you won't kill me!" She screamed at herself.
"You guys, I think this might be more than acid..." dreamer rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "It's probably shrooms!"
"But why would the suspects taint our booze supply with shrooms?" Then it hit her. "Let me take a closer look at Ben's head."
"Are you sure, dreamer? You're pretty squeamish!" Daniel asked her.
"I'm sure," she grimaced. "I think I'd better check something out." And, despite her weak stomach, she did (she only puked two or three times). Then dreamer noticed something strange...she took a pair of tweezers and began to peel off Ben's skin!
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Junta yelped. "dreamer, that's disgusting!"
"More so than you might have thought," dreamer replied. "This isn't Ben's skin and this isn't Ben! It's someone else wearing a realistic latex mask!"
"So Ben's not Jesus?" Kelnino asked, confused.
"No, Kelnino, he's not Jesus. And we need to find out where the real Ben is!" Daniel said, putting a leash on Sweep. He reached for Ben's duffel bag and pulled out a sweat-soaked t-shirt. Sweep whimpered at the overpowering odor, but bravely took a whiff and took off...she found Ben at a local coffee shop, enjoying an almond steamer.
"Bastard Hawaiians!" Kelnino screamed. "Who do you think you are, eh?! You think we Seattle punks wouldn't find out, eh?! Didn't think we liked applesauce, did ya?! Huh?" She seized Ben by the collar and threw him across the room.
"Jolly elves!" Ben stood up among the broken glass and grimaced, looking at his wet pants. "You made me spill steamer all over my new bloomers!"
"Bloomers?! I'll show you bloomers! And to think that the president would ever want *your* stupid wheat bread and paste!"
"Paste?!"
"Yeah, paste!" Kelnino yelled. "What was that idiot president thinking?!"
"She's still tripping," dreamer whispered to Junta, who gave the signal. Chris and Heath strapped Kelnino into the stretcher that somehow managed to fit into Daniel's bottomless-pit backpack. "Daniel, sing her to sleep, will you?"
As Daniel whipped out his guitar, dreamer began an interrogation of sorts. "Ben, why did you just disappear like that?"
"Well, I just had to get out for a bit," he said. "I left a note on the refrigerator."
"Hmmm...okay, but what about the double?" Scars asked.
"Double?" Ben was confused.
"Yup..." Angie gave Ben a quick recap of the minor bloodbath in the pioneers' flat.
"That's weird!" Ben exclaimed. "I didn't see any double."
"Now how does one explain this?" rockstar wondered.
"I've got it," Chris replied suddenly. "If Ben left without anyone noticing, and someone else with access to the apartment knew about it, they could plant the double there so no one would notice Ben was gone, giving them the perfect opportunity to do something to Ben after he got here!"
The pioneers shuddered in unison, then gasped in unison as they all saw a familiar figure dash towards them from a dark corner...
"Oh no, it's her!" Junta shrieked.
"Not Natalie again!" dreamer wailed.
"But didn't we kill her a couple of times?" Robin pointed out.
"Of course we did, Rob!" Kelnino, still woozy but coming around, snapped from the stretcher. "This is like those scary movies - the villain is either human and dies, or is somehow superhuman and needs special efforts to overcome!"
There was silence for a moment as all of this sunk in, then Daniel said, "Well, we'd better get started then!"
"I know exactly how to solve the problem!" KelNino, now halfway sober, gathered everyone together. "She's obviously a very powerful warlord who has come to-"
"Warlord?" dreamer was skeptical. "Come on, KelNino - "
"Shut up, dreamer. It is imperative that we remain quiet until she gets close. Then we must wrap her in the blessed ropes of the high temple and remove her evil heart using a tool fashioned by the gods of fertility."
"What kind of magic tool are we talking about?"
"I'm thinking maybe the spoon of the beauty child who directs the light of eastern stars..." Kelnino considered. "I bet Daniel has it in his backpack..."
"Kelnino, this is ridiculous-"
"Quiet, dreamer." Kelnino shushed her. "Or the googies will get us all. And then we will never see raisin bread again!"
"Oh, no..."
Kelnino grabbed at Daniel's backpack, looking for that magic spoon. He protested, but dreamer held him back. "Just humor her this time. Who knows, she may be on to something."
Kelnino didn't find the spoon, but she did find a long silver wand. "This'll do," she said, after consideration.
"You're going to dig out someone's heart with that?" shrieked rockstar.
"No, of course not. With Ada's help, I'm going to use it to blow her to bits!"
Since Kelnino's energy level had gone through the roof, everyone else was content to let her work alone. While she was rigging the doorway with booby traps, in a small corner lay a tiny figure lining the bedsheets that covered her, quietly not making a sound only a pale thin arm stuck out of the covers, sadly in a tragic-heroine way �cars had left the pioneers to the other side without anyone's notice...or had she?
"Scars, have you seen the extra coils of rope?" Kelnino asked from her spot atop the ladder. "Scars?..."
"Great Lords of the Underworld!" Junta screamed. "Nooooo!" But it made no difference. Scars was gone.
Two days later, most of New York's young and hip joined the pioneers in burying and mourning their dear friend. Rain poured from the dark gray sky, turning the city into a treacherous watery mess, but no one minded because it perfectly fit everyone's mood.
Junta was the last of the pioneers to walk away from the fresh grave. At the tall, wrought-iron gate, she turned back for one last look...or so she thought. A glowing white mass seemed to hover above Scars' brand-new tombstone. Could it be...?
"Is that what, er, who I think it is?" Daniel asked in disbelief.
dreamer, the pioneer with the best vision, squinted through the rain. "Holy Timmy! It IS her! It's her spirit!" she shrieked.
"No it's not, you #@$%wit." Kelnino rolled her eyes. "It's a sheet put over this here angel statue..." KelNino reached up and pulled the sheet away, revealing the mossy statue. "See?"
"Oh..." dreamer's shoulders dropped. "I thought it was Scars."
"Jeez, dreamer. You're so dumb." Kelnino slapped dreamer upside the head. "Of course it's not her, because Scars is over there!" KelNino pointed over to a granite bench. Strangely, the recently departed Scars sat there as she munched on a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch. A paper lunch bag lay in her lap. She looked up and waved; jelly and bread crumbs were smeared across her face and hands.
"Hey! That was my sandwich!" Daniel pouted.
"Well..." Scars swallowed, "You put it on my grave, for Timmy's sake!" She took another bite. Daniel shrank away, mumbling incoherently.
Junta scratched her head. "I'm confused - "
"That's what happens when you eat paint chips," Kelnino interrupted.
"It wasn't paint chips!" dreamer became very defensive. "It was that pot pourri that looks like potato chips! Junta thought they were chips!"
"Junta, did you ever consider that chips aren't supposed to smell like perfume?" Kelnino mocked. Junta didn't reply. However, she did put KelNino on the hitlist that she always carried in her pocket.
"Ahem!" dreamer shouted. "Enough! We need to figure out why Scars is alive...we all saw her dead rotting body..."
"But how are we going to do that?" Chris wondered out loud.
Daniel rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, mate, like it isn't obvious?"
Two hours and a lot of digging later (fortunately, the rain had slowed to a light drizzle), the pioneers were able to pry open Scars' coffin. Inside lay another Scars!
"Stand back, everyone," dreamer instructed. In one fast motion she turned the body over, pulled at something at the nape of the neck, and yanked out...a red wire? "Here's our answer - this isn't really Scars, it's another fake! Whoever replaced Ben is trying to confuse us again!"
"I guess that makes sense," Kelnino mumbled. "But how do we find them now?"
"No problem. Daniel, can I borrow Sweep again?"