Part 66
"Well," dreamer said, "Since it's Nevermind's 10th anniversary and all, why don't we discuss Nirvana for a while? I've got a theory about the Teen Spirit video I'd like to relate if anyone's interested..." She grinned at the audience. "So, do you guys want to hear it? It's a good one, I swear..." Back to silverchair stuff
"Boooo-ring!" Someone shouted. They threw a sweaty flannel at dreamer, who deftly ducked. "Goodness gracious! This crowd is getting unruly!" she exclaimed, dodging a flying waffle press.
"KelNino and Robin aren't helping much either!" Angie shouted as she pointed at Kelly and Robin, who were making butt-prints on the huge TRL windows and encouraging the crowd to do the same.
"All right then," dreamer said grimly. "This is war...DON'T MAKE ME RESORT TO BAD CHEMISTRY JOKES!" The crowd ignored her. "OKAY! THAT'S IT! (clearing throat) A NEUTRON WALKS INTO A BAR AND SITS AT THE COUNTER. THE BARTENDER WALKS OVER AND SAYS 'HEY THERE! SAY, AREN'T YOU A NEUTRON?' THE NEUTRON CONFIRMED HIS GUESS, SO THE BARTENDER SAYS 'SAY MR. NEUTRON, HOW ABOUT A DRINK ON THE HOUSE, FREE OF *CHARGE*!" At that, the crowd went silent and turned towards dreamer in perfect silence. "There..." she said happily, "That's better-"
"Get her!" The crowd took after dreamer in a rage with pitchforks in their hands.
"Oh s**t..."
Meanwhile, backstage...
"Don't you find me attractive?" Daniel asked Ben.
"Sure, man, you're the epitome of manliness, but you know I prefer those big-breasted beings called women," Ben replied, looking at Jill.
"What you looking at *me* for? You're always saying how flat-chested I am. PIG!"
"Well, Jill, I can prove that you're not flat-chested!" Heath pulled one of Jill's red bras out of his pocket. "Look, this ain't from no flat-chested chick!"
In a split second, Jill came flying across the room at Heath, ripping the bra out of his hands and tackling him, falling through the set onto the stage where Kelnino and dreamer were doing the TRL show, and then they realized how quiet it had gotten on the set. "What the heck is going on?" Jill hissed. Angie pointed to dreamer.
"...And both the video and the pep rally sequence from 'Heathers' end with a shot of the school principal. I'm not saying Sam Bayer stole the concept, I just think he subtly satirized a satire in a way that younger Gen-X'ers like myself would appreciate."
The sweaty grunge cadets applauded politely.
Jill whispered to Angie again. "What did she do - hypnotize them all?"
"No," Angie whispered back. "These kids crave good music so much they'll eat up anything Nirvana-related these days, so dreamer's been sharing her theory that the concept for 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' was inspired by a scene in 'Heathers.'"
"Uh, ooookay," Jill said. She turned to Heath. "Hey, wasn't I about to finish kicking your ass?"
"Er, not now, Jill," Heath replied nervously. "Can't you see we've got half a show to do and the band's got some more dirt to dish?"
"Okay, then, we'll just finish this backstage!" Jill dragged Heath off camera...and shagged him like an animal. (Come now, dreamer. You just *can't* cut that out!)[Webmaster's Note: Okay, Kelnino, I'll leave it in until Jill kicks your ass...]
Meanwhile, down in Times Square, KelNino and Nathaniel dealt with the frigid New York weather to hang out with the fans...
"...And that's, like, why I love you so totally much!" some blonde flake chattered at Nethaniel. Nathaniel nodded absently, still pondering the girl's blonde logic. Suddenly, the girl exposed a breast, handing Nathaniel a sharpie. Innocent Nathaniel's hand shook as he questioned the morality in defiling the poor stupid blonde and quickly decided that he should see what Kelnino was doing. So he went onward to the other side of the block, where KelNino was handing out "F*** Terrorism" pins and cooking marshmallows that just happened to have a picture of a certain terrorist screened onto each one.
"KelNino, I thought you were tired of this terrorist media stuff..." Nathaniel crammed a marshmallow into his mouth.
"Nathaniel, Nathaniel, Nathaniel..." KelNino shook her head. "You are so naive. Of course I detest the excessive coverage of New York's plight, but it is undeniable that the dominant citizen of democratic society, despite a superficial appearance of intelligence, is really quite incapable of anything resembling reason, thus I think it is safe to assume that political activists lobby merely for the sake of the nation's prosperity and no despot is *actually* involved in the matter. However, I do not doubt the perplexity of the human psyche and only wish that a solution can be contemplated and put into effect long before the next lunar event."
"What?" Nathaniel cocked his head to one side.
"Here, have a marshmallow."
Suddenly Kelnino heard dreamer's voice coming from her earpiece. "So Kelnino, how's the outside crowd?"
"They're all right," she replied, smoothly turning to the camera.
"Any fans down there who want to talk to us about Nevermind's anniversary?"
"I'll check."
"Great. We need some time to set up...the guys have a surprise for us..."
"Oh, dreamer, you shouldn't have!" Kelnino gushed.
"Shouldn't have what?" dreamer raised an eyebrow in confusion.
"Oh come on, you think I don't know these things?!" KelNino giggled. "You guys are giving me a surprise birthday party! Oh no, don't worry. I won't tell anyone that I know. I'll act really surprised and-"
"KelNino, don't be stupid. Your birthday was back in August..." dreamer tapped her foot in annoyance.
"Ah, well..." KelNino blinked nervously, eyeing the flashing red light on the camara, "You must unerstand that certain fallacies had enticed me to delay the celebration of my 16th year until...today. Yes, that's it. Due to my erratic schedule, I decided to advance my ephemeral 16th birthday to a later date. However, I never kept this information clandestine. In fact, I made it quite explicit that this abeyance would take place, thus I think it truly baleful of you to behave in the manner of some belligerent charlatan and deny my ever announcing this change. I will not capitulate, dreamer! You cannot abase or disparage me, for I am not below you! I am not! I am the reincarnated soul of Kurt Cobain, you flippant college student! I am GOD! And I will take over the world...Bwahaha!"
"And that was Kelnino, folks." dreamer interrupted KelNino's stream of nonsense. At the same time, she wondered where her can of pepper spray was, just in case Kelnino decided to try something crazy.
"Anyway...are you guys ready yet?" dreamer called to Daniel, Ben, and Chris. "Oh, good. Anyway, here's our surprise, courtesy of our friends in silverchair. Hit it, boys!"
The band broke into a seething rendition of "Come As You Are"...and after about a minute, stopped playing and started up again after a few seconds, this time playing...polka?!
"What the bloody hell?" Robin whined. However, he ceased his complaints when he saw Daniel's ass shaking to the polka beat.
"I guess this explains why Ben's wearing lederhosen with no shirt," Angie giggled.
Soon, everyone in the studio (even the crew) was up and dancing (albeit rather sloppily - some of the alternakids were tripping over their clunky Doc Martens). The polka was a huge hit! Outside, the screams were deafening.
Kelnino's watch beeped - 5 p.m. already? "Ahh, crap," she grumbled. "And it was just getting good, too!"
"Sorry, kids, it's time for us to clear out of here," dreamer chirped into the camera, "But we'll be back tomorrow and premiering the new Garbage video! Don't miss it!"
That evening, in the pioneers' rented New York flat, they had a cheese-grating contest. Of course, Ben won the friendly competition, just like he had won the milk-chugging contest and the Yo Mama joke contest. Junta, always the poor sport, complained about Ben's constant victories, mumbling something about steroids and Ben's shrunken testicles. After the contest, the pioneers sobered up and went out for a night on the town.
"So what's there to do in New York after dark these days?" Scars wondered.
"I know a place on the Lower East Side with nightly poetry slams," Daniel piped up. The non-poetic pioneers protested, but they were outnumbered. Half an hour later, they were sitting in a dark cafe, listening to the half-sobbed, slightly accented ramblings of a woman who looked strangely familiar. She was short, had dark hair (though it was quite messy and made it hard to see her face well), and seemed to be shaking quite a bit...it wasn't a girl, it was Robin!
Robin, in a cold sweat, was trying to recite poetry, but failing miserably. "Uh..." He struggled to remember his lines, so he just blurted out whatever came to his mind. "Grapes...they're round...and the Canadian mountains taking a vacation...in uh...Disneyland." He cleared his throat, sweating.
"Wow, that sucked," KelNino whispered.
Robin looked deeply into Kelnino's eyes. "You really think so?" he whispered back.
"Yep, sucked a big fat one," KelNino replied. Tears welled up in Robin's eyes as Kelnino added, "My grandma could do better, and she's very dead."
Robin escaped to the ladies' room, sobbing. Daniel tried to go after him, but he was stopped by Ben. "I think you'd better take a look at this, mate."
Sure enough, a very familiar-looking 20-something woman took the mike next. Daniel's jaw dropped - of course, it was his most recent ex, Natalie. "Oh s**t, she'll recognize me!"
dreamer pulled her black beret out of her bag and put it on Daniel. "There. She'll never think it's you. She's used to seeing you in ratty beanies."
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief and the pioneers suffered through a seething poem of lust and loss, anger and repression...a sucky one at that. "I wonder what producer cowrote this," Junta cracked. Daniel just rolled his eyes.
"Maybe she's been acting the way she has because I was pretty cold when I broke things off," Daniel mused. "Dammit, now I feel bad!" He started to get up, but Kelnino stopped him this time.
"Dude, you can still do better than her. Besides, you gave her the fuel for her new record, and that's plenty. Now go console Robin - he's not totally hopeless yet."
Daniel went off to do just that. "Exactly how is Daniel going to comfort Robin?" Junta pondered. A eerie silence drowned the room, and suddenly a man in a rabbit suit jumped out from behind a plushy couch.