Part 29
After a week or so of relaxing, Redwing opened up another wormhole and the bathroom pioneers continued their quest - when they were suddenly confronted by a large group of angry-looking Canadians. Back to silverchair stuff
"Yo!" KelNino stepped forward and stuck her chin out. "Why you be all up in my grill, G? Don't be steppin' on my posse's flava, yo!"
"Absolutely! Wht don't you all go wank an elephant, for Pete's sake!" Robin chimed in. Effie gently elbowed Robin.
"Say, uh, leave the trash talk to KelNino. I'm afraid your, uh, stuff just isn't effective," she whispered to him.
Sure enough, the Canadians were smirking.
An especially large one spoke first. "Don't you got nothin' betta to offer than this skinny little Brit punk?" He gave Robin a small shove and the boy toppled over backwards.
"Hey!" Robin protested. "I could bloody well kick your arse-"
"Shut up, Robin," Junta said. She scanned over the gangsta Canadians and said, "You got a problem with me, my sista KelNino, and the bathroom pioneer posse? You can mess with us, yo."
"Yeah, we got a problem," replied a busty, scantily-clad member of the Canadians. She pulled out a slip of paper and held it up for all to see. "This 'posse' of yours has been infiltrated by a pop freak!"
The slip of paper was a very incriminating page torn from Nathaniel's old journal.
"*Britney Spears*?" Effie asked Nathaniel, horrified. He nodded, and a tear trickled down her cheek.
"Oh, my dear Effie, it's not like that now," he assured her. "The other bathroom pioneers put a stop to that."
"They did?" the skanky Canadian asked, before thinking better of it, leering, and saying, "Yeah, right! He's lying. Now what are we going to do about it?" to her posse, who just stood there, scratching their heads and rattling off every cliched idea in the book.
"This is getting ridiculous. I say we kick their asses and get it over with," dreamer said. Within minutes, the Canadians, now somewhat bruised, made a hasty retreat.
With the Canadians out of the picture, the pioneers decided to continue on their journey... It was time for them to kill a new catagory of pop...LATIN POP!
"Latinos are cool and all...but anyone who tries to turn a good Latin groove into crap pop is just a wanker," said Nathaniel.
"Um...okay..." said the rest of the pioneers.
"Let us consult with Timmy," suggested KelNino. "Oh glorious Lord Timothy, who is our next victim?"
Suddenly a large flash of light appeared, followed by loud cheering. It was Enrique Iglesias.
"Ha ha, look who it is, guys," shouted a very enthusiastic Ada, "it's Enrique and his giant mole!"
No sooner had Ada mentioned the word "mole" that the music stopped. Something was happening to Enrique's face. The mole. It was...it was a mole! No, not a facial marking, but a large fuzzy mammal that digs around in the dirt! It leapt off of Enrique's face and crouched low to the ground.
"Oh, how cute!" Daniel smiled and reached out to pet the creature. With lightning speed, the mole snapped out at his fingers, but managed to bite off his arm from the elbow down. "Aaaaaah!" Daniel screamed. "That lovely creature of God took out my arm!"
"How are you gonna play guitar *now*? Huh, Daniel?" Enrigue laughed evilly. "Bwahahaha!"
"Hey, give him that back, you big poopoohead!" Effie said.
Robin announced, "Or I'll have to twist your bloody wanking ears backwards!" He leapt forward and straddled the mole. KelNino joined in as Junta pried the mole's mouth open and was able to retrieve Daniel's beloved appendage.
After a brief examination, KelNino said, "Well, it's a little, er, damaged, but it'll still work." She found some Superglue in Dan's bookbag, applied it to the arm, and fit it snugly back on to Daniel's elbow (much to his distress). She stepped back and nodded with approval. "That'll do it, I believe."
Daniel shook it a little before replying "I dunno, misses, it does feel rather odd."
dreamer gave Kelnino a nudge. "Um, Kelnino, you uh, put it on backwards..."
"Oh! Goodness, sorry, Daniel. I suppose you'll just have to deal with a backwards arm, seeing as how the glue has most certainly set and dried by now. Teehee, oops," she replied nonchalantly. Daniel's lower lip trembled before he dashed away, his deformed arm trailing behind him. Kelnino shrugged.
Meanwhile, Robin was trying to contain the mole. Enrique saw that he was losing the battle, so the evil singer jumped into action and tried to pull all his lovely Daniel-inspired hair out! Unfortunately for Enrique, the other pioneers were too quick for him and quickly restrained him. Ada pointed her finger at him and poof, Enrique was gone.
Nathaniel and Heath figured they had better go find their fussy brother, and finally dragged him out of the bush where he sat sulking. It was getting dark, so our heroes set up camp in an abandoned warehouse. Ada used some old wooden crates and her super powers to start a campfire, and before long, everyone was roasting tofu dogs and talking about stuff that made absolutely no sense.
"I'm not so sure about this reincarnation thing," said Black Ballroom, always the logical one.
"But that doesn't mean it's not real," said rockstar.
"But let's say that it was...who would I have been?" asked Ben.
Everyone was quiet for a minute, then Kelnino said, "Ben Franklin. He was this really smart historical guy who loved females and a good party!"
"That's you all right, mate," Chris snickered.
"Yeah, did you know he once said, 'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy'?" dreamer added. Everyone laughed, especially Ben.
Poor Daniel was not only not amused, he was downright cranky. "No, Sweep, not now," he groused, trying to stop his little dog from nuzzling his backwards arm. Of course, he hadn't gotten the hang of trying to use it just yet, and she was insistent.
"Hey Daniel, do you still think Sweep could be the reincarnated Jesus?" Kelnino asked.
"#%$@ off," he replied. "What the...why are you guys staring at me like that?"
"Your arm..." said Nathaniel in shock.
Daniel looked down...and was so surprised to see his arm restored, as though it had never been bitten off, that he failed to notice that Sweep had progressed to licking his face. He sobbed and gave her an affectionate hug. "Oh, Sweep..."
Robin just rolled his eyes. "I'm going to bed! Who's up for some British-syle loving...and such?" The group heard giggling and turned to see Shayla raising her hand. Robin's eyes widened as he stuttered, "Uh, oh, never mind. Heheh...I'll be sleeping, er, alone this evening I suppose. Jolly g'night everyone!" He waved quickly and rushed out of the room. Shayla was crushed, but her tofu dog made her feel better immediately.
Meanwhile Daniel was praising Sweep. "Oh Sweepy! you fixed my arm! Thankyou love-muffin!" He gave the cuddly puppy a hug, when he noticed that something was wrong with Sweep. "Omygod! YOUR leg is backwards, Sweepy! Ack!" Sure enough, Sweep's front leg was attached backwards in the same fashion that Daniel's had been.
"I think she switched arms with you, Dan," KelNino noticed. "You see, I had to put your arm on wrong because it was so dad-gum mangled. I guess Sweep wanted you to have a normal-er, a correctly attached arm..."
"Oohhhh..." Daniel stared at awe at his arm, which now was a skinny leg and paw covered in soft, black fur. "This isn't bloody good." Sweep whimpered at Daniel. "Oh Sweepy! It's a prefectly wonderful arm, it's just uh, different, that's all! I-uh-love it!" Daniel attempted to hug Sweep with his dog arm, but it was clumsy and only made Sweep feel even more like a failure. She sulked away miserably.
"Good job, Daniel. You made your only friend hate you, haha!" someone laughed evilly.
Nathaniel and Heath lept to their feet to see the person from whom the insult came (only they were allowed to insult their brother). A cape-clad, dark figure stepped out from the shadows. It was Fred Durst!
"I *knew* he was evil!" yelled Ben.
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's kick his ass!" announced Heath.
And so they did. In spite of his violent tendencies, Fred was no match for the entire group of 14-to-21-year-olds. Finally, the bathroom pioneers decided they'd pounded him well enough, and let him fall to the floor.
Daniel approached Fred slowly, with tension drawing his expression tight. "Fred, I have only one question for you, and you had better be honest with me, got it?"
"Got it..." came the weak reply.
"When you offered to produce our next album, did you really want to work with us, or were you looking for an opportunity of your own?"
"Oh, @$#% it," Fred gasped. "I'm about to die anyway, so you might as well know the truth. I wanted to produce the album so I could screw it up and make you guys nobodies again. Everyone loves *you*, Daniel - you're such a nice, *sensitive* guy. But the girls are getting smarter. They're catching on that you're a better person, and they like you better! Our last video didn't stay on the TRL countdown as long as the last ones because we're losing female fans, and it's all because of..."
Before he could finish, Daniel had pulled some dirty gym socks from Year 9 out of his backpack (does he *ever* clean that thing out?) and stuffed them into Fred's mouth to shut him up. Fred struggled for a few seconds, then lay still.
The pioneers themselves were silent for a few seconds, then broke out into a spontaneous choreographed song and dance. "Ding-dong, the Durst is dead! Which old Durst? Wicked Fred Durst! Ding-dong, evil Fred Durst is dead! He's gone where the goblins go below, below below, yo-ho, let's open up and sing! And ring the bells out! Ding-dong, the derry-o, sing it high, sing it low, let them know awful Fred Durst is dead!"
After they finished, rockstar asked, "So what do we do with the corpse? We can't have Daniel get arrested again!"
"But it's actually everyone's fault," Kelnino pointed out.
Ada shrugged and turned Fred's remains to a pile of dust with her finger. Then she realized Daniel still had one of Sweep's legs stuck to his upper arm, and that Sweep was trying to walk around with Daniel's arm attached to her tiny body, so she pointed her finger and fixed them once and for all.
"Okay, now I'm *really* going to bed," dreamer announced. "I get cranky when I don't sleep for days on end."