| I walked into the lobby and moved over to where we usually hung out waiting for the bell, and there the girl was... Laughing and talking to the same friends that told me to beat the hell out of her. When she saw me she immediately told them she'd see them later and took off... So I asked them what the deal was and they tell me, "Oh, we talked to her and everything's cool now." They used me. They didn't care that I'd get in trouble... that I missed a good portion of school. I'm lucky I didn't get arrested for it. One week and everything's cool? I was pissed. I was confused. I was pissed. Really, what the hell did I miss in that week? The world suddenly turned upside down and I risked my ass for nothing? It taught me a hard lesson. Trusting people is the hardest thing to do in life. It's so hard to tell who's sincere and who's not. I will never do something stupid like that again... And my friendships now are real friendships. I'm not a bully for hire. An Obsession This isn't so much a story as it is a confession. Something I need to get out before I explode. One of my little secrets that I haven't admitted to as of yet... so now's a good time! For those of you that believe dreams are to be known only by yourself and not shared just skip right over this part. As for the rest of you, here it goes! I've had crushes throughout my life. Who hasn't really? I've had a crush on a whole list of celebraties... Russel Crowe, James Hetfield, Jason Newsted, Brad Pitt, Jim Carrey to name a few. But really, they were nothing more than a crush. I'd be starry-eyed over them for a little while then move on to the next victim. Nothing serious really. Nothing that would invade my dreams and disturb me so much that I wouldn't know what to do... I'd be afraid to sleep. But, as of just a month or so ago that's what I've been plagued with. For those of you that did read "I'll Never Let You Fall", that was the dream that started making me wonder if maybe there was something wrong with my head. I didn't think I was obsessed then but I'm starting to wonder now. I've had my 3rd dream with *him* in it. But the thing that really bothers me... really frightens me awake... is the fact that the dreams are so vivid, clear, and real. There's no verticle farms, no pink elephants like the strange dreams I usually have... These are flat out real. It's completely possible they could happen. And that scares me. Now, you have to understand before I tell you who this obsession is over, that I still don't think it's a full obsession. I don't think about him every waking moment of my life. I'm too busy to even think about myself sometimes. Frankly, I don't think about him other than when I think about wrestling which isn't often... Busy schedual and all. It's possible there might be a few stray thoughts that pop into my head during the day but I truly can't say one way or the other. When I get free time I don't sit in front of a picture of him and dream about marrying him and having kids. I haven't even thought about that for a split second. At the most, while I'm awake, I think about how good a friendship we would have. After all, I'm not too good with full blown relationships. I don't fantasize about having sex with him or anything like that. If these are required for an obsession then maybe I'm not obsessed. And, for the moment of truth... Maybe some of you probably got the idea from the excessive list of Jeff Hardy's poems in the Favorite's section... but I've been having dreams about him. Yes, I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Greaaaat... another girly fan." Honestly, I'm not that type of girl. I don't swoon when I do get to see the Hardyz perform, I don't scream and drool and have a billion pictures of them on my walls. In fact, the only Hardy merchandize I have is their hat because I needed another hat and I love their logo design. My Metallica hat was about to bite the big one anyway. I do love the Hardyz style and all that jibberish. I love their personalities... but I'm completely tame about it. Maybe you don't believe me, that's your own business I suppose, but this is the truth. And I am in no way trying to bash down girly fans. I'm just not that way. I'm definately not trying to tone down the Hardyz. I love them really, but I don't think I can be a girly fan for them. Hell, I don't think I can get that squeal down either. Now that I've thoroughly explained myself through denial most likely, I'll get to the dreams... Like I said before, the first dream was very vivid, like the other two. It took place at the Kinzua Bridge. Anyone that's been there knows the place. It's pretty damn high... Well it was probably early morning or late after noon if I had to guess. It was light out and the valley was well lit... Jeff and I were crossing over the bridge just talking about bullshit like we've been friends forever. Then, just out of no where, he jumps up onto the railing, balancing along and it scared the hell out of me. So, of course, I told him to get down before he fell. He tells me, "It's alright, I know what I'm doing." Next minute, he's falling over the edge and I caught his hand before he fell. And he looked up at me clear as day. He wasn't scared. He was just completely calm. Told me to let go. I refused... and I started feeling my feet leave the walkway there and I slipped over the side. We clung onto each other while we fell and I woke up before we hit with the worst case of vertigo I've ever had. My heart was pounding. I was sweating. My entire body felt like it was weighted down and I couldn't move. And I cried because it hurt so much physically and emotionally. Stressful on my heart because of how real the dream seemed. As soon as I'd calmed down I had to keep telling myself it was a dream. Jeff was still alive. And I was being silly worrying about it. So I went on with my life like always. Pushing the dream aside. The second dream I had wasn't traumatic thankfully... It was actually very simple, very short. I had went to drop Jeff off at the airport and I was sitting with him waiting for his flight to be called. We were talking... nothing more than that. Just talking about whatever came up. He would tell me every few minutes that he would call and come out whenever he got the chance again. When his flight was called I hugged him and watched him board the plane... That's when I woke up, purely because it was a strange dream. Or rather, strange for a dream. And it started to bother me a bit then. Like I said before, I don't think about him day in and day out. I'm ashamed to admit it but I actually do forget about him for long spans of time. Sure, you people are probably thinking, "What kind of fan are you?!". Very busy and stressed out is what I am. Continute |