Doyle's ATS Parody, s3
(Note: Nothing in this is to be taken seriously, that's why it's called a "pa-ro-dy").
(Angel returns from his holiday...er...from mourning for Buffy.)
Cordy: "Angel! We thought you were dead!"
Angel: "No...that was Buffy."
Cordy: "...Oh, right. So did ya bring us presents?!"
Wesley: "Don't be stupid, Cordelia. Angel was off mourning the love of his life. It's not the sort of thing you return from with pres..."
Angel: "Indeed I did! Cordy, for you I got a shrunken head..."
Cordy: "...Oh...good."
Angel: "Just kidding! What I really got you was an incredibley expensive necklace..."
Cordy: "Oh! How thought..."
Angel: "Just kidding again! I really got you nothing."
Cordy: "Oh har har...you're kidding right?"
Angel: "No, this time I'm serious. For Gunn: I got some advice for you, G. Do Wes a favour and admit you wanna bone Fred thereby giving him one less reason to suddenly turn evil."
Wesley: "What?!"
Gunn: "Uh...uh..."
Angel: "And for Wes, I brought you a nice dagger to stab me in the back with.";)
Wesley: "What was that? Did you wink at me?"
Angel: "...Yes. Now, where's Fred? I wanna tell her that she hasn't got a shot with me."
Fred: (sing-song) "One plus one is two, one plus one is two, one plus one is two..."
Wesley: "Is she a mathematician or a physicist?"
Cordy: "She's a crazy person!"
Gunn: "I wonder why, then, her parents are normal?"
Cordy: "How do *you* know Fred's parents are normal??"
Angel: "Wait, Fred's parents are normal? I thought they were from Texas."
Gunn: "They are."
Angel: "Well then shouldn't we just assume they're evil? I mean, aren't all people from Texas evil or insane?"
Fred: "I'm standing right *here*."
Cordy: "Nobody cares, dear."
(Wes hits Fred.)
Gunn: "Wesley! What the heck did yo do that for?!"
Wesley: "I'm sorry. I was infected with Billy's blood."
Cordy: "You haven't even come into contact with Billy yet."
Angel: "Cordelia, do you have any idea just how precious you are?"
Cordy: "Not now, Angel! Later in the season."
Angel: "Season?"
Gunn: "See, *this* is why I get the girl, Wes ol' boy. *I* don't hit her. Yo don't win the woman by beating her up."
Fred: "I..."
(Gunn smaps Fred about the head.)
Gunn: "Shut yo mouth!"
Darla: *Ahem* "Hello? Pregnant vampire here."
Angel: "But how?"
Darla: "Don't you remember the loud obnoxious sex we had last season?"
Angel: "What are all these "seasons" everyone keeps talking about?"
(Cordy glares at him.)
Angel: "...I-I don't remember having sex with you, Darla. You must've been boinking someone else and just fantacising it was me. Maybe it was Wes you were screwing."
(Everyone lets out a laugh except Fred and Wes. When everyone else has finished laughing, Fred giggles insanely.)
Gunn: "I told yo to keep quiet."
(Fred shuts up.)
Darla: "No, it was most definitely you, Angel. Now I've got this thing growing inside me, the next three episodes are gonna focus on it and everybody comming after it."
Angel: ""Episodes"?...Huh??"
(At Wolfram & Hart.)
Audience: *Throws rotten fruit at Linwood and Gavin* "Booooooooooooo!!!"
Lilah: *Joins in* "Boooooooooooooo!"
(Elsewhere.)
Sahjhan: "I look suspiciously like that werewolf hunter in S2 Buffy. But moving on, my master plan is to bring an 18th century old guy into *now* times in the hope he will kill Angel and/or his son...I haven't figured out which yet." *Has a smoke*.
Holtz: "Stop talking to yourself, Sahjhan."
(Blah blah bloody blah, stuff happens and no one gives a crap until Darla stakes herself.)
Darla: "I've fulfilled my purpose for being here. I'm about to bring your son into the world, Angel. Holtz will take him, he'll grow up in another dimention and return pissed at you...I hope he kills you! I hope he kills all you losers! Goodnight! Die. Die, Darla. Nobody likes you!"
(She stabs at herself repeatedly before *finally* piercing her heart and dusting.)
Holtz: "I could kill you now, Angel, but I think I'll draw this whole thing out and make it last by letting you go."
Angel: *Sarcastic* "Oh no, an 18th century old guy. How am I ever going to get out of this one?"
Holtz: "I told you, I'm letting you go."
Angel: "Whimp."
(The only thing of any interest in the next episode is Angel attaches a bomb to his son's teddy bear and blows up a bunch of vampires along with teddy.)
Teddy: "Aaaaaaaaah! What a world! What a world!"
(Oh yeah, and the kid has a name: Connor.)
Skip: "Happy birthday, Cordelia. I'm gonna make you part demon."
Cordy: "Kay."
Audience: "Boooooooooooo!!! Now she's TinkerCordy or GlowwormCordy or NightlightCordy. Turn her back!"
(Cordy glows at the people.)
Audience: "Aaaaaaah!!!"
Angel: "I wanna go to the ballet."
Cordy: "Figures."
Wesley: "I like Fred!"
Gunn: "No, I like her!"
Wesley: "I liked her first!"
Gunn: "Yeah but yo never said nothin'. *I* put the moves on her first so therefore she's *mine*."
Wesley: "Fine. Have the twisted nut. I'll just go sleep with Lilah."
Gunn: "What?"
Wesley: "Nothing."
(Time moves along and there's something involving a prophecy and a giant hamburger.)
Loa burger: "Eat me!"
(And oh yeah, the Groosalugg is back.)
Cordy: "Groo!"
Groo: "Princess! I knew you would never return to Pylea so I came here to swoop in and create a love triangle between myself, you and Angel."
Cordy: "Angel loves you?! That bitch!"
(Wesley steals Connor when no one's looking.)
Fred: "Tacos! Pancakes! Food! Gimme, gimme, gimme!" *Starts chewing on Gunn's arm*.
Gunn: "Hey! I thought I told you you can't do that now that we're dating."
Angel: "Where's Connor?!"
Lorne: "Wesley took him."
Angel: "And you didn't tell me this until now because...?"
Lorne: "He knocked me out, you big poluka!"
(Wannabe slayer Justine shows up when Wes is making off with Connor.)
Justine: "You'd better watch out, Wes. You should fear my tough, slayer-like badass attitude. I'm a mean motherf--"
(Wesley puts himself out of the misery of having to listen to Justine crap on by slitting his own throat with the dagger Angel gave him. Justine makes off with Connor...no, not "makes out with Connor" cause ew.)
(Yablahbleebleeblee, Holtz jumps into Quor'Toth with Connor where he can grow up big and strong and pissed at his dad. Meanwhile, Angel pays Wesley a visit in hospital.)
Angel: "If I wanted to kill you, Wes, I could SO easily break your neck but no. I'm choosing to suffocate you with a pillow to vent out my anger THAT THE FRICKEN GROOSALUGG IS BACK!! WHY NOW?! I WAS GONNA PUT THE MOVES ON CORDY AND *HE* COMES BACK!...sorrys, I got some spittle on you...DIE DIE DIE, WES!!"
(Not much happens until Connor returns as a teenager.)
Connor: "I'm gonna kill you, dad."
Angel: "Why? What did I do?"
Connor: "You blew teddy to the shithouse! You think I forgive you for that?!"
(There's lots of slo-mo, Lilah visits Wes alot, Holtz is even *older* and Cordy glows some.)
Groo: "I wish *I* had a son who wanted to kill me."
Cordy: "Don't be jealous, Groo."
Groo: "Oh go make sex with Dead Boy, princess! I'm outta here."
(Groo leaves and takes Lorne with him...slash!)
Cordy: "Now that Groosa-what's-his-name's gone, you and I can admit our feelings for each other, Angel."
Angel: "Great! I'll meet you near the ocean."
(Angel waits at the meeting point when Connor shows up.)
Connor: "You're my father, dad. I wanna let you know how I feel about that."
Angel: "Honestly, I didn't know you had these feelings towards me, Connor. For a minute I thought it was Cordy on the phone but obviously it was you. Uh...this is a little awkward. Just gimme a minute to think of something to say..."
Connor: "Ew!"
(Connor punches Angel's lights out.)
(Cordy meanwhile is driving very fast towards where she's supposed to be meeting Angel. She gets pulled over for speeding.)
Cordy: "Honestly Officer, I wasn't aware that I was doing 180 in a 60 zone..."
(She glows at him and everything freezes.)
Skip: "You're a higher being, Cordelia. Go to heaven."
Cordy: "Don't you mean, "Go to hell"?"
Skip: "...No."
(Elsewhere.)
Connor: "I *know* you killed my father, Angelus. Even though it's damn obvious those were stab wounds on his neck, not bite marks and his blood hasn't been drained. Still, I've decided to blame you and put you in a big metal box and send you to the bottom of the ocean. This'll learn ya for blowing up teddy."
Angel: "Kid, I can buy you a new one."
Connor: "You go to hell!"
(Connor shoves Angel's box into the ocean. As Angel sinks, Cordy rises into the sky and blips away.)
Wesley: "Ha! I'm finally getting some sex...with Lilah...but still, it's sex! I'm making progress."
(As Angel's box hits the bottom of the ocean.)
Angel: "Well, at least I can talk to the fishes. They'll be my friends. Hello fish buddies!"
Onward to Doyle's Angel season 4 Parody!
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