Doyle's ATS Parody, s4
(The season begins with Angel hallucinating in his box at the bottom of the ocean)
Angel:"Heheheh, I love you guys."
Wesley:"Even me? You tried to kill me, remember?"
Angel:"Yeah, well, this is a hallucination. It doesn't have to make sense."
Connor:"That would explain why *I'm* here. Afterall, I'm the one who put you in your watery grave."
Angel:*ruffles Connor's hair* "That's my boy!"
Cordelia:"If anything breaks us apart again, I'll get all glowy on it's ass."
Angel:"I like it when you glow."
Connor:"Bleh. Do I haveta watch this?"
Angel:"You *get* to watch."
(Angel wakes from his hallucination to find sharks and other ocean life ramming his box)
Angel:"Oh no! My fish buddies have turned against me!"
(Elsewhere, Fred and Gunn have taken over Angel's duties killing vampires)
Fred:"Whassup dawg?"
Gunn:"Yo, stop using my word! You ain't from da hood!"
Fred:"How's yo momma?"
Gunn:"Leave my momma out of this, aight!"
Fred:"Yo! Yo! Calm yo'self fool!"
Connor:*actually does the killing*
Wesley:*has sex with Lilah*
(Wesley also keeps slave girl Justine in his closet)
Justine:"I didn't know you were into this kinky sort of thing."
Wesley:"Shuddup, Red! We're going to save Angel."
(They do so and Wesley lets Angel suck his....arm;)
Angel:(to Connor) "Get outta my house, bitch!" *kicks him out*
Cordelia:(up in the heavens) "God, I'm SO boring."
Angel:(to Wes, about his new group) "What a kewl group - 'The Flanel Group'."
(Meanwhile...)
People:(to Gwen) "Freak!"
Gwen:*electrocutes Gunn to death then brings him back to life rather easily*
Wesley:*has sex with Lilah*
(Angel, Gunn and Fred go to Las Vegas to retrieve Lorne)
Wesley:*has phone sex with Lilah and steals Angel's clients while he's out of town*
(Angel, Gunn, Fred and Lorne return to the hotel to find Cordelia standing there)
Cordelia:"Who are you people? You're not going to rape me are you?"
Angel:*leers*
Cordelia:*sings off key* "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I decided long ago..."
Lorne:*runs off screaming (on key)*
Cordelia:"But I didn't do the part with the sparklers."
(Lilah sucks Lorne's....brain out, removing the part of his vision about Cordelia and all the 'Slouching Toward Bethlehem'. Elsewhere, Cordelia's sharing Connor's bed)
Connor:*slips his hands under the covers* "Do you like that, Cordy?"
Cordelia:"Like what?"
(Fred discovers her old professor was the one who sent her to Pylea)
Fred:"Get on yo knees, bitch!"
Professor Siedel:*does so*
Fred:"I'm gonna bust a cap in yo ass."
Gunn:"Fred, you don't wanna do this!"
Fred:"Back off befo I cap yo ass too!"
Gunn:*kills the professor for Fred*
(This puts a strain on the couple's relationship. Meanwhile, Lorne does a spell and everyone reverts to their teenage selves)
Cordelia:"Who are you whackjobs?"
Wesley:"I'm Wesley Wyndham-Price. I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy."
Gunn:"That dude right there is an ass."
Fred:"Hi! Mah name's..."
Cordelia:"Man, this sucks."
Angel:*enters the hotel*
Gunn:"Whassup homie? Let's pimp some ho's!"
Angel/Liam:"What strange language are you speaking, slave?"
Gunn:"Yo, that's whack."
Wesley:"Maybe he would understand you better if you rephrased your question with correct grammar."
Gunn:"Hey assface, shut the f..."
Lorne:*narrating while unconscious* "Meanwhile, that little prick, Connor, is off "saving" a two dollar whore from vampires. When he requests a blowjob she shoots him down."
Connor:"Aw."
(Everyone eventually gets their memories back and Cordelia has a vision involving a couple of sinister-looking eyes. Cordy runs off in slo-mo)
Angel:"Cordy, wait! Were we in love?"
Cordelia:"HA!"
(Turns out the pair of sinister-looking eyes belong to a beast that has no genitals)
Beast:"Grrr!"
(He creates an apocolypse complete with rain of fire. Drink 1 shot every time "rain of fire" is mentioned throughout the season)
Beast:*bitchslaps Angel around with a large trout* "Heh heh."
Connor:"Will you have sex with me, pleeeease? Afterall, I'm still a virgin. There were no bodies in Quor-toth to do *it* with...except Holtz and he was an old man."
Cordelia:*sigh* "Fine. But I don't want you to make a big deal out of this tomorrow morning. I'm only sleeping with you to get myself impregnated so that I can give birth to the evil entity that's taken me over."
Connor:"Are you still talking? Strip already."
Angel:*watches in stunned silence, rage silently builds up, takes anger out on a building*
(The next morning, Cordelia wakes up and she's a brunette again)
Madame Whoredelia:"Well, that's two minutes of my life I won't get back."
(Wolfram & Hart is overrun with zombies and Connor's trapped inside)
Angel:"Cordy, you're not comming. I don't want you in harm's way. Fred, get a move on."
Gunn:*decapitates Gavin*
Fred:"Gunn! He wasn't a zombie!"
Gunn:"Yeah but...he was turning into a zombie."
Zombie Gavin:"Is this the end of Zombie Gavin?"
Madame Whoredelia:"Angel, I didn't mean to screw Connor. I thought he was you."
Angel:"What you did with my SON is illegal in most states...except maybe Texas."
Fred:"Hey!"
Angel:"Get the hell out of my office, Whoredelia, and take your new boytoy with you."
Electro-Gwen:"I've come to help you guys out."
Fred:"Sorry. We don't need any slutty-looking bitches tramping around here whoring the place up."
Madame Whoredlia:*crosses arms* "That position's been taken."
Electro-Gwen:"Well, I can see your bitch quota's been filled. I'll be back later."
(Angel wears a hoody)
Beast:(at Connor's pad) *KNOCKS*
Audience:"Just don't open the door! Turn off all the lights and hide under the bed and he will go away since no one will let him in."
(But Connor's STUPID. The Beast waits patiently until Connor opens the door, then throws him out the window. The gang arrives just as Connor hits the ground. Angel tells Cordelia to keep him safe...then imediately regrets it. The others run upstairs to confront the Beast)
Gunn:*looks around Connor's apartment* "WOW. Jobless, homeless Connor's little loft thing looks nicer than my place. He has a HUGE bed with a soft quilt. Looks comfy and running water for showers; yet he is homeless. Can I be homeless, too? Maybe with Connor's Peter Pan looks he found himself a sugar daddy."
Beast:"Grrr!"
Angel:"Why is it all you do is growl?"
Beast:"You'd be angry too if you found out you didn't have any genitals."
Angel:*crosses legs*
Beast:"They could have at least given me PANTS."
Angel:"How'd you even get inside?"
Beast:"Connor's little luxury loft needs a peephole in the door."
(Beastie Boy blots out the sun. Drink 2 shots whenever blotting out the sun is mentioned)
Wesley:"We need Angelus."
Angel:"How'd you reach that crazy conclusion?"
Wesley:"Well something needs to spice this show up a bit. Who better to do that than Angelus?"
(Angel has a dream about doing the uppy-downy with Cordelia)
Cordelia:"There's no logic behind this."
Angel:"Oh Buffy!"
Cordelia:"You're pretending I'm someone else?! That's okay, because I'm pretending you're Connor. Although you may not have his red lips and girly hair, it's not much of a stretch to imagine you as him."
(Angel wakes from his dream as Angelus)
Angelus:*sings 'The Teddy Bears Picnic'*
Fred:"Mah God, he really is evil."
Wesley:"Tell us how to defeat the Beast."
Angelus:"Hello, Clarice."
(Meanwhile, Madame Whoredelia is off killing priestesses and stealing Angel's soul)
Wesley:*smooches Fred*
Gunn:"Gitch yo bitch-ass off mah woman, befo I cap yo ass, bitch!"
Wesley:*slaps Gunn*
Gunn:*punches Wesley*
Wesley:*kicks Gunn*
Gunn:*punches Wesley again then accidently hits Fred*
Fred:"That's it! We're broken up now."
Gunn:"Hey, that's not how it happens. *I* break up with *you*."
Wesley:"So Fred, I guess you'll be wanting *me* now?"
Fred:"Phfft! No."
(Angelus is giving an encore presentation of 'Teddy Bears Picnic')
Lorne:"Hi! Remember me? I've had to listen to Angelus' evil randition of 'The Teddy Bears Picnic' twice now and it's creating disturbing images in my head. You've got to make it stop! Where's his soul?"
Madame Whoredelia:"I stole it...I mean, I know where it is...er...I mean, Angel's soul! It's GONE!"
(Lilah shows up again. Angelus tricks the gang into thinking he's Angel again. Madame Whoredelia lets Angelus out of his cage and he runs off into the night)
Angelus:(skipping) "I'm free! Free! Free to dance in the meadow! Free to be me!"
(The gang attempt to track down Angelus using Connor, on a leash, much like a bloodhound. Angelus doubles back and chases Lilah around the hotel. Madame Whoredelia kills Lilah before Angelus has a chance to but makes it *look* like he killed her. The gang return to find Angelus drinking Lilah and he runs off)
Wesley:"No! The only hot-looking woman to ever have sex with me is now dead! Too bad I'm not into rooting corpses."
Gunn:"Yo, that's whack!"
Wesley:"We need Faith."
Fred:"You just keeps pulling these solutions to problems out of your ass, don't you?"
Wesley:"I'd rather be pulling them out of yours."
Fred:"EW!"
(Wesley frees Faith from jail and she's about to take on Angelus when the Beast shows up)
Beast:*beats Faith around a lot*
Faith:"I LIKE it!"
Angelus:*commentates then kills the Beast*
(The sun turns back on. Faith chases Angelus away with sunlight. Cordelia finally reveals to Connor than she's pregnant with his child even though we've been able to tell she was pregnant for ages)
Connor:"It's not my fault! I didn't know about condoms!"
(Lorne is added to the opening credits. Cordelia suddenly has a huge, booming, male voice which she uses to communicate with Angelus and he doesn't know who it is. Wesley and Faith discover some junkies who like getting suckjobs from vampires. This gives Faith an idea. While Angelus beats up Wes, Faith injects heself with a mystical drug and allows Angelus to drink her)
Angelus:*being affected by the drug* "Duuuuude, that's some goooood shit."
(He and Faith are rendered unconscious and do a mystical mind-walk thing together, reliving Angel's past good deeds)
Angel:*rescues a puppy*
Angelus:"Bah! He should have thrown it under the wheel of the car instead!"
(Back in reality)
Willow:(to the gang) "I'm an uber-powerful wicca...sorry, *wiccan*. I can help you get Angel's soul back."
(Willow and Madame Whoredelia battle each other. Willow wins and Angel gets his soul back)
Fred:"What do you mean you're seeing someone?!"
Willow:"Sorry."
Fred:"Ditch the bitch and go out with me instead!"
Willow:*leaves with Faith*
Fred:"Oh sure, she's more interested in slut-o-rama than me."
Wesley:"I'm interested in you, Fred."
Fred:"Get away from me, freak."
Madame Whoredelia:"Hey everybody, I'm pregnant with Connor's child!"
Fred:"Ew, that's almost like incest."
Gunn:"You'd know all about that, being from Texas and all."
Fred:"Hey, shut-up!"
Angel:"This family is getting more and more dysfunctional."
Gunn:"I'm gonna go help Gwen out."
Gwen:"There's this amazing bit o' technology that'll turn my power off so that I don't electrocute people to death anymore."
Gunn:"That's great, because I was planning to nail you in bed."
Gwen:"What about your grieving girlfriend?"
Gunn:"That ignorant bitch stabbed me in the back. What a fucking tight-ass, I feel like choking her. What a dumb ho."
(Everyone discovers that Cordelia's evil thanx to Lorne's magic 8 ball)
Lorne:"Has Cordy been a bad, bad girl?"
Magic 8 Ball:"Shit yeah."
Fred:"That's all the proof I need. I say we kill the whore!"
(Connor, the girl, screws everything up by "rescuing" Cordelia)
Audience:"Get a damn clue, dumbass! She's EVIL! Hello? She tried to get you to kill your father when he was Angelus and now she wants you to spill the blood of a virgin!"
(Madame Whoredelia explains that it's alright to sacrifice virgins for the good of their baby. She reiterates that, "We're special, Connor." Drink 3 shots everytime the word "special" is uttered)
Skip:"Ha. Fooled ya. I'm actually evil. Every important event that's happened in all of your lives was planned right from the beginning including Cordy becomming part demon and her ascending to the higher plain. It was all orchestrated so that the evil entity inside her could give birth to itself."
Everyone:"BULLSHIT!"
Wesley:*kills Skip*
(Angel prepares to kill Cordelia but, as usual when it comes to these sorts of situations, he hesitates which allows an evil deity in the form of some cast member from Joss's failed 'Firefly' to be born which makes Cordelia go into a coma. Drink the whole bottle for every episode Charisma Carpenter plays a body)
Everybody:*loves Jasmine*
Jasmine:*loves everybody*
(Fred gets some of Jasmine's blood mixed with her own which allows her to see the evil deity for what she really is: a maggoty-faced bitca)
R.E.M:*sings* "It's the end of the world as we know it and everyone but Fred feels fine."
(Fred foolishly tells Wesley what's going on then he tells Gunn to tell Angel to tell Jasmine that Fred is evil. They run her out of the hotel. Fred feels lonely. She plans to make everyone else feel lonely with her)
Angel and Connor:*singing* "We love her, she loves we, we are Jasmine's fam-il-eeee."
Fred:*shoots a bullet at Jasmine that passes through her shoulder and into Angel, mixing their blood*
Angel:"OMG! She's hideous!" *runs off screaming*
(Later on...)
Fred:"We need more of Jasmine's blood."
Angel:"We'll use catatonic Cordy's blood. Same diff."
Fred:"Where is Cordy?"
Angel:"Pay attention. She's coma-coma-coma-coma-Cordeliaaaa."
Fred:"Okay. Let's steal Comelia's blood."
(They do so and Comelia's hand grabs Angel)
Angel:"Oh look, Fred, she's awake!"
Fred:"No, my dimwitted friend, that's just something people in comas do."
Angel:"I've never heard of such a thing."
(So Fred and Angel cut the wrists of their friends and mix their blood with Cordy's which frees them. Connor, however, rats them out to Jasmine's followers who attack)
Angel:*tosses Connor out a window*
Everyone:*cheers*
Connor:"I sure do get thrown out windows a lot."
(Blahbleeblahblah Wes meets a demon spider thing that tells him saying Jasmine's real name is the key to defeating her. Angel goes to the spider demon's home dimention through a portal - this type of thing happens quite a lot on this show - and brings back Jasmine's real name which allows everyone to see her true face. Wackiness ensues)
Jasmine:*throws a car at Angel* "This is for cancelling 'Firefly'!"
Angel:"Hey, that wasn't my fault! It was just a sucky show, okay? On the plus side, now Joss can focus on this show so that we may never have to endure sucky plotlines like this again."
Connor:*shows up*
Jasmine:"You still love me, right daddy?"
Connor:"Yes." *punches Jasmine through the head*
Jasmine:*dying* "That's a strange way of showing that you love me."
Connor:"Should you still be talking?"
Jasmine:*dies*
Connor:*runs off like a girl*
Angel:*staring* "My God, he really *does* run like a woman. Must've gotten it from Wesley."
Dead Lilah:"We're offering you Wolfram & Hart."
Fred:"Whern, that's in no way suspicous."
Angel:"If any of you take the deal, you'll be corrupted instantly."
(Angel sees his big screen TV)
Angel:"I took the deal."
Fred:*coughhypocritecough*
Dead Lilah:*gives Angel a shiny amulet*
Angel:"I have to see Connor."
Fred:"Who's Connor?"
(The audience wishes they could forget too)
Angel:*perves on Connor*
(The girl has a new family)
Angel:"Now I'm off to Sunnydale."
Onward to Doyle's Angel parody for season 5!
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