Disclaimer: No sidekicks were harmed in the making of this book, although the author will not be attending "The Warlord's Sidekick Convention 1998" for possible health reasons.
This data was gathered through days and days of painstaking interviews with a horde of sidekicks from the various provinces. I came away with a good view of the sidekick mind..and I have to tell you, what I saw scared me. No wonder why I'm so hard on sidekicks.
If you're interested in the other side of the 'story' read my Silk's Lil Black Warlord Book - Tips And Rules To Conquer By
1. Your Warlord is always right. Even if it kills you.-Quoth
2. Nothing is as easy as you look.-This one's mine but Quoth said I should use it here to.
3. Brush the horse!-Quoth
4. Never sit on the soap....People will talk.-Chiclet
5. When bathing with your hero-type ex-warbabe partner, keep all hands above water...unless it's a subtext ep.-Chiclet
6. Practice making long stories...longer. Makes those journeys which are limited by your non-horse-riding-butt's pace much more enjoyable. For you anyway...-Chiclet
7. If you break your stick, send the warrior-wannabe-type for a new one. Then pull the spare from your pack and make tracks.-Chiclet
8. Always wash in cold. Sidekick clothes are prone to shrinkage.-Chiclet
9. Walk softly and carry a big stick.-Chiclet
10.Everything is harder than it looks - except your hero-warrior-babe-type....-Chiclet
11.As a sidekick, it's your job to get yourself into a life-threatening situation on the battlefield. When your warlord rescues you, it makes them look good.-Bardwynna
12.Even when it's your brilliant idea that saves the day, always give your warlord the credit. They're the ones with the sword and the enormous ego!-Bardwynna
13.It's part of the sidekick's job to reveal crucial information to the enemy under torture. Especially if it's your warlord who's being tortured! (WARNING: Undue hesitation under such circumstances can lead to severe relationship problems.)-Bardwynna
14.When your warlord sends you away from a battle to lead non-combatants to safety, don't forget that this a dual role. 1) SAVIOR of the peasants, and 2) BAIT for the inevitable ambush.-Bardwynna
15.Be sure to schedule a little quality time with your warlord. Fishing is one of the most popular relaxation techniques. Right up there next to losing the soap.-Bardwynna
16.Remember as a sidekick, you have a distinct advantage. You know where the ambrosia is!-Bardwynna
17.Knifepoint isn't just a trading card pose-- it's a way of life.-Jill
18.Keep those abs buffed.-Jill
19.Practice is important, even if you have to wake up grumpy.-Katrina aka Bearblue
20.Wear practical clothes, the kind that wears well, reveals some skin, shrinks at the top and can be ripped off easily by Warrior Princesses.-Katrina aka Bearblue
21.Be prepared for those jealous streaks. They'll make you do crazy things.-Katrina aka Bearblue
22.If you must have a third wheel, learn to be assertive. You're place is by the heroe's side, under the blanket. Let the wheel sleep in the woods.-Katrina aka Bearblue
23.The disheveled look has a place, just as the wet look does. Learn to wear it well, and get the timing right, and those practical clothes will be off in seconds. (unless, of course, a censor or antisub is near.)-Katrina aka Bearblue
24.Make sure hickeys can be hidden by long hair.-Katrina aka Bearblue
25.Learn to run. Running has saved lives. -Katrina aka Bearblue
26.Learn to wield a big stick and make it count. -Katrina aka Bearblue
27.Make sure you have lots of Amazon friends.-Katrina aka Bearblue
28.Become queen whenever possible.-Katrina aka Bearblue
29.Avoid marrying dead men.-Katrina aka Bearblue
30.Fishing can be fun with the right partner, but don't obsess about it.-Katrina aka Bearblue
31.Self love is important. It is good to know yourself. (Sometimes Warrior Princesses have to go on missions alone, might as well make good use of the time.)-Katrina aka Bearblue
32.Write your fantasies down where they can be discovered just in time.-Katrina aka Bearblue
33.Never stand under a kite. They have a strange attraction for sidekicks.-Katrina aka Bearblue
34.Learn to cook. The way to a WP's heart is through . .the skillet.-Katrina aka Bearblue
35.Take a lot of baths with your WP. Make sure to hide the soap. Hide it in the same place, every time.-Katrina aka Bearblue
36.Catfighting comes naturally. Stick fighting takes practice. Make sure that your staff is well rehearsed.-Katrina aka Bearblue
37.Have a cute grin, a sweet pout, and learn how to make big eyes. You never know when your gonna need it.-Katrina aka Bearblue
38.Anything worthwile takes practice. Lots of practice. Lots and lots of practice. Develop many skills. It's more fun with WP's that way.-Katrina aka Bearblue
39.Before entering the position of sidekick, fill out a form (and make your hero and/or warlord sign it!!) guaranteeing that you'll never be kidnapped, or it'll happen all the time.-CB
40.Prepare to be held at knifepoint often.-CB
41.Expect to have people steal your spotlight, and your dinner if you're hungry. You're only a sidekick after all.-CB
42.Expect your outfit to shrink continously without explanation.-CB
43.Practice looking inferior. Warlord�s egos are very frail that�s why they�re so mean.-Quoth
44.Fighting with fire may take five forms:
1. Burning men
2. Burning stores
3. Burning baggage trains
4. Burning arsenals
5. Burning supply routes
Notice that "Burning dinner" isn�t one of them.-Quoth
45.Just because conquering the enemy without having to resort to war is a greater achievement than fighting to win every battle doesn�t mean you should convince your warlord of this. Let�s face facts, peacelords don�t have sidekicks and you need a job.-Quoth
46.Be conspicuous and turn your back on strangers often. How else are you supposed to get kidnapped? PS Flashing a little tuckus never hurts either.-Quoth
47.Never cook your warlord anything you wouldn�t give to your worst enemy.-Quoth
48.Ice-cream melts but goat cheese is forever.-Quoth
49.When your Warlord suffers from madness be prepared to cover their A$$ literaly ~~ also have a good back up story as a diversion ready.-Dove
50.If there is a temple involved in the adventure adamently REFUSE to enter.-Dove and Silk
51.Be carefull what you drink you may never be the same again.-Dove
52.When all else fails.....take drugs. (Henbane disguised in Nutbread is good.)-Susie
53.If you're not sure if a plan will work, ask Joxer. If he likes it, forget it.-Susie
54.If it looks like a Warlord and it smells like a Warlord, ask it to do a backflip before you believe it IS a Warlord.-Susie
55.If it's got a Katiepult, then it's only a warm, fuzzy Warlord in Training.-Susie (WHY ME!?!-Silk)
56.Don't buy the dagger if your cleavage can't hold it.-CB
57.Practice saying, "Yeah" Whenever your warlord says something forceful (As in "Yeah, what she said!")-CB
58.Watch out for flying parchment!-CB
59.When you and your warlord are turned into Bacchae, make that bite count!-CB
60.Stay away from really deep pits of fire.- Chiclet
61. Crushed bugs aren't lipstick. - CB (although they make a good pate - Silk)
62. If your warlord comes after you with a whip, and it's not an alt. fanfiction story--RUN! - CB
63. Pushing your warlord off a cliff will ruin her friendly disposition towards you. - CB
I'd like to thank all the people whose insanity (you people are scary!) has helped create this 'book'.
More Submissions are welcome.
[email protected]
Silk
Warlord in Training