Disclaimer: No sidekicks were harmed in the making of this book, although the author will not be attending "The Warlord's Sidekick Convention 1998" for possible health reasons.

Those with a * were coined by others that will either be anonymous or credited. All others are mine. MINE I TELL YA!!!

1: Never leave your tent without clean underwear. (Wear the ones with the hearts on them for battle, when your leather skirt flies up, it makes for a good distraction)

2: A feral smile a day keeps the villagers at bay.

3: Get up before dawn. It's the best time for village bonfires..err...plundering.

4: Two is company. Three is even more company. Just remember to keep an extra dagger handy.

5: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry ~ For tomorrow you KILL THEM ALL!!

6: This one doesn't exist. Don't argue with me I'm a Warlord in Training!

7: Don't name your warhorse sissy names. It's bad for your image if you yell, "Giddiyup, Skippy!" in the middle of a battle...though it's also another good distraction.

8: Write Mother often. ~ Also, next time you go home, learn "The Ear Yank". It always helps to learn new techniques of coersion, and it's quite painful...you should know.

9: The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. Bullwhips are optional.

10: Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. So..that means your always a good guy. Use that logic on them during your next trial.

11. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. See? Who needs friends?

12. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met me.

13. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on..and for some reason their names always begin with "J".

14.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

15.No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

16.Friendly fire ain't.

17.The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.(so don't give yours to your sidekick.)

18.The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy is always laying in ambush for you there.

19.The buddy system is essential to your survial; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.(use that sidekick again.)

20.The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your archers and catapult artillery will shoot short. (Katiepult's are extremely accurate. you have nothing to fear..unless you've been treating her badly)

21.Incoming arrows and greek fire have the right of way

22.If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush...so best send in your sidekick to make sure.

23.The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

24.The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy arrows is incoming friendly arrows.

25.There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

26.Don't be conspicuous. On the battlefield, it draws fire. Off of the combat zone, it draws sidekicks. If your sidekick can see you, so can the enemy.

27.It is possible to outthink yourself and lose the battle.

28.If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Have you seen your sidekick lately?

29.It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. But it helps to just behead them...fun too.

30.Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. You have really got to retrain your sidekick to keep her nose out of things when your gone.

31.Nothing is as easy as it looks. Except your sidekick. *snicker*

32.Everything takes longer than you think. And those soldiers waiting outside your tent tapping their toes impatiently aren't helping matters.

33.If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. And it's all the sidekicks fault, you just know it!

34.Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. Who knew a warlord needed a datebook?

35.Every solution breeds new problems, and now they're infesting the camp.

36.You will always find something in the last place you look. So just order the bloody peasants to tell you where it is right off.

37.The other line always moves faster. So cut in front...or whittle down the line some.

38.In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. -Ok..who put this in my lil black book? Warlords don't need no stinkin loans!!

39.Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought. So, just command the local villagers to make you a new one.

40.If you fool around with a thing for very long the sidekick will screw it up.

41.If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

42.When a broken seigemachine is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

43.Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. So..don't let the fools near your prize "Idiotproof Catapult" until you send in your warranty parchment.

44.Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Of course, that's why you just let other people earn their dinars, then take it from them. Much easier that way.

45.There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. And over..and over and over. Just make sure the guards don't interuppt you for a while.

46.When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate to the sidekick. You can always get a new one in Potedaia later. Sidekick that is.

47.Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. *smile* It's good to be a warlord.

48.Whoever has the dinars makes the rules. It also helps to sleep with a sword. There are some mean, nasty, dishonest people out there, you just know it!

49.In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. People will believe anything of you when they know you carry the biggest sword.

50.Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. Besides, it's more fun to talk to your horse instead...you find that your horse tends to be more intelligent than most of your warriors anyway.

51.Don't count the dings before you toss the chakram.*

52.Don't drink the water until you're sure it's safe.(that's what sidekicks are for)

53.During single combat, ALWAYS turn your back on your opponent at least one time and catch his blade on yours from behind. Enemies ALWAYS, in the heat of the moment, stab you when your back's turned, and besides, it impresses the chicks.*

54.In the heat of battle, never forget to drive fear into the hearts of the enemy. A good battlecry does the trick. Mines, "MORE OIL!!!" - ever heard of "Dreamworker"?

55.No matter how many of the enemy there are, they will always attack you one at a time. To do otherwise would be less than suicidal.-Bardwynna

56.Keep It Simple... Alligator pits, fire breathing monsters from Tartarus and elaborate death traps are all very cool, but a slit throat when their back's turned is the best way to ensure the enemy's immediate demise.-Bardwynna

57.All warlords have an evil twin named Skippy. It's one of the rules.-Bardwynna

58.All's fair in love... and war... and pillaging.-Bardwynna.

59.There is no such thing as a free lunch... unless you steal it from a peasant.-Bardwynna

60.Why did the chicken cross the road? Who cares! Did he have a moneybelt?-Bardwynna

61.Never go running after your sidekick. It might make her think you really care.-Godot

62.Never eat anything new without your Sidekick trying it out first. That especially goes for that vegamite stuff some of them weird southern warlords are into.

63.Don't get your panties in a wad, you can use them to tie up a hostage later.-CB(what a nut!)

64.If you haven't got anything nice to say, use a catapult.-Quoth (with a little help from me..hehe)

65.Think faster than your average sidekick. They're gunning for your job.

66.The Warlord Theorum - The amount of time a goddess is trapped is directly proportionate to how many rocks you collapse down upon her.

67.I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.-Jack Handy (SNL)*A friend sent me these;}~~~

68.If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."-Jack Handy (SNL)

69.During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."-Jack Handy (SNL)

70.If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.-Jack Handy (SNL)

71.Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."-Jack Handy (SNL)

72.If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over and say "I thought we won!"-Jack Handy (SNL)

73. Pouting makes you look foolish in battle. Don't do it unless you want some hair from your sidekick to fish with. - CB

74. Never get caught cooking, unless you can claim it's one of your enemies in the stew. - CB