Chapter 9 Chapter 10

3 days later 0800 Mac's Apt

I stretch lazily under my covers as the images of my dream replay in my mind. I groan in frustration and hope that Jabir gets here soon. The phone's insistent ringing pulls me out of bed and I manage to grab it just before my machine picks up.

"Hello?" My voice is groggy and I barely manage to mumble it in English.

"Mac? Is that you?" The hopefulness in Chloe's sweet voice nearly makes me cry.

"Chloe? Sweetie. I'm so glad you called. I've missed you so much!" Her response is muffled by her tears as she tries to tell me how much she has missed me too. Guilt rages through me again as I think of all the pain that I have put my friends through.

"So, you're really ok and everything?" She sniffs.

"Yeah, I'm better than ok now that you've called. How are you? There's so much I want to know about the last two years."

"I know. Can you come visit?"

"I'll try, but it's going to be difficult for me to leave here anytime soon. Do you think you could come down here?" Chloe tells me that she'll ask her grandma when she comes home. The hour is spent catching each other up as much as possible and she tells me all about the camping trip she just barely returned from. She seems all grown up and I hate that I have missed out on so much of her life. When she asks me about what happened while I was gone, I pause and wonder what I can and should tell her.

"Oh Chloe, that's a long story. And I'm not sure what is still classified. But I do have big news." I bite my lip unconsciously as I wonder what her reaction will be. She struggled with Mic at first and then when I didn't marry him she was mad at me for it. Well, she was mad at Harm too. I take a deep breath and try to remember that she's still young and it might be hard for her to understand. "I'm married."

"You're married?!" her exasperation and complete disbelief are evident. I struggle with how to explain that I am married to the man who essentially made me disappear from everyone's lives. Sometimes it still strikes ME as strange and I don't know how to explain to everyone else. I reassure myself that they'll understand as soon as they meet him.

"It's not Harm, is it?" she already knows the answer and seems crestfallen

"No, but I think you'll like him. He's so kind and he's really handsome and…"

She cuts me off with a frustrated sigh. "Mac, you were supposed to marry Harm."

I feel a tinge of loss and regret at her comment, but then I see Jabir's smile in my mind and I think of how much I love him.

"Chloe, Harm and I weren't going to work out. He just didn't feel the same way that I did. But that's all in the past. I love Jabir and he makes happy."

"But Mac. Harm does too love you. He even said so at the funeral."

My heart stops at her revelation and I feel lightheaded. "Chloe, what are you talking about?"

"At your funeral. He told everyone how much he loved you and how sorry he was and.."

Understanding dawns on me as she keeps talking. She's mistaking being in love with loving me as a friend. He was probably feeling guilty too for the way he acted before I left, but that's all… How can I make her understand?

"Chloe, Harm only loves me as a friend. Not as someone he wants to marry."

"Mac, that's not true!.. oh, hang on." I can hear her grandma calling to her in the background. She asks her grandma if she can come visit me and breathlessly tells me that it's up to me when she comes. I assure her that we'll do it soon and I hear her grandmother telling her that they have to leave or she'll be late.

"I gotta go, but we'll talk again soon and figure out when I can come, right?"

"Yeah. Chloe, I love you." As I hang up the phone, I wonder how I could have ever struggled with coming back. In some ways being here is still strange and I know there will be adjustments, but I don't think I realized how badly I missed my friends.

The last few days I've kept myself busy looking up laws and policy to try and help get Jabir here faster. There isn't much that I can do, but Webb dropped by yesterday and let me know that he felt he was making good progress in bringing Jabir here as a political refuge. He could have told me that on the phone, but I think he was trying to check up on me too. I just hope there isn't anything he isn't telling me. If he gets Jabir involved with the CIA in ANY way I will do serious bodily harm to him. Clay also brought my vette by that I guess Harm had stored for me as well. I look around the room again and notice that there aren't hardly any pictures of mine here. That seems strange. Harm did mention that he had a few things of mine, but why would he have my pictures? He was supposed to bring my things by the night after I got back but he got called away on an investigation to Norfolk.

I have talked with Jabir everyday since I've been here. If its possible, I think he is suffering more than I am in being apart from each other. He's been so supportive of me in my struggle to make a decision about returning to active military status and fully agrees with me that I should go back to JAG for a few weeks before I decide. I think I'll go in today to talk with the Admiral. It will be the first time I've been back to the office and I'm a little nervous about how I will feel once I get there, but better now than putting it off.

I shower and get ready as quickly as I can. I walk out my apartment and feel strange that I'm not covered practically from head to toe and that I'm alone. As I look at my car I have a strange sense of freedom for the first time in months. I relish the thought of being out on my own, racing though the streets in my vette. That is something I definitely missed while in Iraq and even with Jabir. Here, I can go and do anything I want, when I want.

I make it to JAG HQ in record time; okay I might have sped a little bit. What can I say? Being behind the engine of a powerful machine is exhilarating to me. I never felt that way until I got this car, before it was just about transportation. I didn't wear my uniform into the office so the guard stops me and I have to get a visitor's badge. Truthfully, it still feels a little weird to look at all the uniforms hanging in my closet and even stranger to look at myself in the mirror when I'm wearing it. As I walk into the bullpen, I mentally gear myself up for the feelings that I know are going to flood through me. Ok, I can do this.

***Harriet's POV***

Today has been crazy. Lt Singer and my husband just went up against each other in court again. She was her devious nasty self as usual, but this time Bud kicked her six. I can't hold back the smirk I have as she huffs past me grumbling and slams the door to her office. I still relish the day I gave her a black eye. Nothing has ever felt so right than when I smacked her a good one for her attitude that night. She pretended to be sorry when Colonel Mackenzie went missing, but I think she was secretly glad that the Colonel wouldn't be standing in her way of becoming the first female JAG. As if that is ever going to happen. Whoa, speaking of. Colonel Mackenzie is here, in civvies, and is looking around the bullpen. At least there are still a few of us here from before she left. Hopefully that will help her not feel too out of place. I'm glad that she's looking physically stronger today, but the differences in her appearance are more visible too. Her hair is longer and she has a softer aura about her than she used to. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't look like a pushover... But there are definite changes in her bearing. I look closer and find that in spite of her discomfort at being here, there is an underlying peace to her.

"Ma'm. How are you?" I rush over and give her a soft hug.

"Harriet, its Mac. Especially when I am out of uniform." She looks around nervously. "Is the Admiral in? I need to talk with him for a few minutes."

Oh, she must be here to give him a decision. I wonder what she'll do. I want to ask, but I don't want to pry either. "I think so. Let's just check with his yeoman." As we walk to his office, I hear an enthusiastic hello from Tiner.

"Colonel Mackenzie. You're back! Its so good to see you Ma'm." He stands there beaming in the most eager way, as only Tiner can. I can tell he is waiting for her to notice that he has been promoted to Lt. JG. Tiner went through OCS after he completed his pre-law degree. The Colonel notices and smiles broadly at him when he explains that he is in his first year of law school. They exchange a few words but then he gets notified of an appt and he has to leave.

"Hinckley, is the Admiral available? Colonel Mackenzie is here to see him." Hinckley's eyes widen as she recognizes the name and stares at the Colonel. She seems to catch herself and calls the Admiral, gaining permission for her to come in. I watch as the Colonel somewhat hesitatingly enters the office and closes the door behind her. I just hope she has decided to come back and at least give it a try. I am still dying to talk with her and get all the details of what happened while she was gone, but I think she is still trying to adjust to everything.

Same time

Admiral Chegwidden's office (and his POV)

Mac's here? Didn't I give her the week off to make a decision and recuperate? Wariness floods through me as I realize she is probably here to give me her decision. This can't be easy for her, but I really hope she doesn't give up the Marines and JAG. I think she will be making a mistake if she lets go entirely of her old life. I know part of my hope that she stays is selfish, she is or was one of my top attorneys. I have no doubt that she will be again, if she comes back.

I watch her walk into my office. She's looking better, but I'm amazed at how beautiful she is. She is still a little pale, but her hair is longer and she has a softer look to her. She just has that inner contentment that only loving and being loved back brings to a person. I have always thought Mac was beautiful, but she often hid it under her uniform. She seemed almost uncomfortable with her looks. But now, she exudes quiet contentment and unassuming beauty. She's dressed in civilian clothes today and I frown to myself thinking that's probably not a good sign.

"Mac. You're looking better." I smile and motion for her to have a seat. She's looking around at everything and I wonder if she feels out of place here.

"Thank you sir. You're office hasn't changed much and I see Tiner is on his way to becoming a lawyer." Her words come out a little slow and there's still a trace of an accent. She must still be struggling with the transition to speaking English.

"I know. Would you have ever thought he would make it into law school?" She grins and shakes her head.

"How are you doing?" Her only response is a small smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. "Mac, I know there's a lot for you to adjust to. Just give yourself some time. It'll come to you and you'll know what to do."

"Well actually. I have made a decision about my military status. Jabir and I have talked and we both feel strongly that I should spend some time back here before coming to a final decision." She looks up at me nervously. "I know that you want a firm commitment, but I don't know that I can honestly give that to you until I've been back for a while." She's obviously unsure about my response to her request. I, however, am relieved that she wants to give it a try and find myself letting go of a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"I couldn't expect anymore from you than that. I was hoping you would at least give us a chance. How do you feel about starting back on Monday?" She smiles gratefully and nods.

I fix a steely gaze at her as I try to determine if she is physically up to it.

Seemingly reading my mind, "I'm going to go insane with boredom if I stay home any longer. I might need to take it easy physically for the first few days, but I think I'm up to it." She hesitatingly adds, "Um, Sir. It's been a long time since I tried a case."

"I understand. I'll have you sit second chair for the first few until you get comfortable again. Actually, Rabb doesn't have a partner right now and he could use the help." At my mention of Rabb she looks a little uncomfortable. I know I might be pushing it to put those two back together and I start to think better of it. "Or, Lt. Commander Roberts is available, but I hate to have you sit second chair to a junior officer."

"I'll leave that up to your judgment, Sir. But if you can avoid putting me with Singer I would appreciate it." The smile she gives me lets me know she is only half joking.

"I'd only do that if I was mad at you. Besides she's going to be furious once I kick her out of your old office." We both laugh and she seems more relieved than when she walked into my office. "Any word on Jabir?"

"Nothing concrete sir. I just hope it's soon. Due to some legal technicalities with our marriage, he can't get resident status based on that. Webb is trying for political refuge." I give her an understanding smile and my new yeoman buzzes me that my 1300 apt is here.

"Colonel, I'll see you at 0800 on Monday. Singer will be out of your office by Friday so feel free to come in on the weekend if you want to get things set up." She smiles her thanks and leaves my office. I grin widely as I think that things around here are definitely looking up.

***Mac's POV***

Well, that went better than I thought. I start on Monday and I feel no small amount of pleasure that I get my old office back and Singer gets kicked out of it. As I'm walking out, I see Harm's office. The light is off so I know he must still be out on the investigation. Looking in I can see that his office is full of pictures. They're everywhere. I wonder who they're of, but I don't want to be nosy and just walk into his office without him here.

"Hello, Ma'm. If you're looking for Captain Rabb, he's on an investigation." I don't even have to turn around to know who belongs to that annoying voice. I turn and fix her with my best fake smile.

"Yes, Lt. Singer. I am aware of that."

"Its good to see you again Ma'm. I hope you won't be a stranger around here now that you've come back." She smiles smugly and walks away. Hah, don't count on it; starting on Monday.

As I turn away from Singer, I see Harriet watching me closely. I can tell she's dying for me to tell her what I just told the Admiral. Bless Harriet's heart. I know she is anxious to ask me a million questions and I'm actually looking forward to telling her all about Jabir.

"Ma'm. Do you have to leave or do you have a few minutes to chat?"

"Yeah, I'd like that. Where can we go to talk?"

"Oh, I'm sure Captain Rabb won't mind if we use his office. He won't be back until tomorrow."

Well, I did want to see who all the pictures are of. Why not? I nod my head yes and follow her in. She starts to ask me how my meeting went with the Admiral, but as I start to look around at the pictures the room seems to close in on me. So far every single one of them is of me or of Harm and I together. My eyes fix on one that literally takes my breath away. It's a picture of Sergei, Harm, and I at a county fair. Sergei is laughing his head off and Harm has a full-blown flyboy grin on his face. But I am looking up at him and its obvious to anyone that I am completely in love with him. I feel the blood drain from my face and my hands start to shake. I look up to Harriet and see concern in her face.

I struggle to regain my composure. It's been awhile since I had to deal with those feelings for him. I've accepted that Harm and I were never meant to be, but I don't understand why there are so many pictures of me here. Did he really miss me that much?

Harriet seems to read my mind as she softly explains, "Ma'm. He missed you a lot when you were gone. When they declared you MIA and had your memorial service…." She stops and seems to be debating on telling me something. "I thought we were going to lose him as well. This was his way of keeping you close."

"But Harriet. He doesn't care about me that way. He made that clear before I left." Before she has a chance to respond, I feel his presence at the door. I'm afraid to look at him and Harriet suddenly remembers something that needs to be done right away. I sit numbly as he walks in and closes the door behind him. Silence envelopes us and he sits down in his chair, turning to his window.

I feel his gaze come back to me and his voice is full or regret. "I'm sorry I let you think that, Mac. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I let you leave not knowing how I really felt. I've been paying for it every day that you've been gone. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you."

His statement stuns me. Is he telling me what I think he is? He gets up from behind his desk and takes the chair next to me. I can't meet his eyes and I stare at my hands. "Harm, I…. I'm married and I'm happy." My voice pleads with him to understand. Why now?

"I know Sarah. And I don't want to push anything on you, but I can't help how I feel. When you were declared MIA, I swore to myself that I would never leave anything important unsaid again. I vowed that if I ever got to see your beautiful face again, I would tell you what a fool I was the night before you left, and so many other times."

No, he can't be doing this now. I can't handle this. "Please don't do this Harm. We have to work together."

"You're coming back to JAG?" His voice is soft, but I can hear the happiness in it.

I nod my head, grateful for the departure in our conversation. "Jabir and I felt it would be best for me to come back for awhile before I make a final decision."

"Oh, so you're still not sure you want to come back for good?"

"How can I be? It's been almost 2 years since I walked into a courtroom. I may not have what it takes anymore. I just don't know… Look, I've got to go." I feel trapped and overwhelmed and my only instinct is to get away from him, from what he's trying to tell me. I stand and open the door as quickly as I can; hoping to discourage him from going back to our earlier conversation.

"Mac…"

His sentence is interrupted as Sturgis walks up. "Hey Mac! Good to see you! So, are you coming back to keep us sailors in line?"

I am SO grateful for Sturgis' timing right now. I flash him my best grin, "You better believe it. Starting Monday this Marine is going to be whipping you squids back into shape." He laughs and tells he me doesn't doubt it. As he asks Harm about a case, I escape through the door and am grateful that Harriet's observant eyes are pointed in the opposite direction.

As I drive home, all I can think about is that Harm is in love with me. I know he didn't say it, but he didn't have to. I'm torn by the fact that what I wanted most in my life is now right in front of me. I never expected to be faced with this and I wonder what do I do now? I thought I was over my feelings for Harm, but his confession brought them all to the surface again. Where do I go from here? My heart aches and I know there's only one answer. I just hope that I have the strength to let go of the love of a good man.

Chapter 10

1 week later
1730 EST
Mac's office

I sit back in my chair and stretch the kinks out. Sighing, I realize I made it through the first week back. The Admiral partnered me with Harm on a case he was already working on. I have tried to put it out of my mind, that Harm loves me. I've even managed to rationalize most of it away, but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To let go of him and move on in my life with Jabir. I do love Harm, but my future is with Jabir.

I look across the bullpen to see Harm deep in thought at his computer. I feel a little guilty for noticing how good he still looks to me. I sigh thinking of how much I miss Jabir. The look in his eyes when he talks to me and the tender things he does without realizing it... Yeah, I've got it bad.

I'm still struggling some with speaking everything in English. Sometimes I still let something slip in Arabic; usually when I am deep in thought. Fortunately, everyone just thinks its funny and a source of good ribbing. Of course there are advantages to forgetting and saying something in Arabic... Especially when its in frustration directed towards Singer.

I have to admit now that I am back that I REALLY missed this. The camaraderie and the sense of purpose in feeling like I am doing something worthwhile with my time is… well, satisfying to say the least.

My internal clock beeps at me to let me know that I need to get moving. My 'welcome back' party is tonight and I am truthfully half looking forward to it and half dreading it. I have shared the unclassified details of what happened to me while I was gone with most everyone. I've had to tell the story so many times that I should have just written a memo and given it to the office.

Grabbing my things I close my office up and walk out. I hesitate at the thought of saying good night to Harm, but I'll see him later at the Admiral's. At least, I think he'll be there.

2030 EST
Admiral Chegwidden's Home
Mac's welcome home party

***Harm's POV***

She looks so beautiful tonight. She has a dress on that flatters her curves in exactly the right places. The top of the dress leaves her shoulders bare and her hair falls softly against them. I remember how soft her skin was and I long to run my fingers across it. I love the way she tilts her head when she laughs at something and the way her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She is absolutely stunning. Even more so than when she left, if that's possible. As much as it hurts, I am happy for her because she is truly happy. I don't question that at all like I did with that Australian bugme. Suck it up, Rabb. She belongs to someone else. I don't realize I'm staring until Sturgis comes up next to me.

"You ok, Harm?"

"Yeah, I just wish things were… different." I sigh.

"You know, you have to find a way to move on. She's, well she's happy and I'm guessing her husband is going to come here?"

"Yeah, its complicated but they're trying for that. Sturgis, how am I supposed to 'move on'? There isn't anyone else for me. Damn it. Why was I such a fool?"

"Harm, you can't keep beating yourself up over something that you can't change. I know it's hard, but you have to let go."

His last few words are like a stake being driven right into my heart. "I don't know how, Sturgis." I mumble and walk away.

***Harriet's POV***

Wow, the Colonel, er Mac, looks beautiful. Captain Rabb has been watching her all night. I can tell he's hurting, but he has been sweet with her. He loves her enough to want her to be happy, even if it isn't with him. They seemed to work ok together this week, so it gives me hope that things will eventually be back to normal. If you could ever call anything between those two normal.

I see Clayton Webb just walked in and has someone with him. Wow, he's gorgeous. I wonder why he's here. He's walking up to Colonel Mackenzie and… he just put his arms around her from behind? Who… oh, that must be her husband! He's here!

***Mac's POV***

"Caroline, you can't be serious. Your client actually did that, in court. He just dropped his trousers as proof and mooned the judge?" As she just nods, Caroline Imes, Mattoni's wife and I dissolve into laughter.

I see their eyes move past me and their gazes grow curious. I start to turn to see what has caught their attention, but before I can move I feel his arms around me and a flood of joy and relief rushes through me.

"Jabir?"

"Amirah." His deep voice sends waves of pleasure through me. I turn to look up at him and everything else fades away. Neither of us says anything as we drink in the sight of each other. I touch his face just to make sure I'm not having another dream, but the feeling of his warm skin convinces me he is real.

"You're really here?" My voice is shaky and my eyes start to tear as I see his sweet smile.

"Yes… Your Mr. Webb brought me." I am suddenly aware that Webb is standing just behind him trying his best to look nonchalant. Jabir moves to my side and places his arm around my waist. I look to Clay who has somewhere along the way become someone other than 'Webb' to me. I struggle to find the words to thank him.

"Clay, I don't even know what to say. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it." He just smiles and tells me softly that he knows. I look up to Jabir again and I can feel his love washing over me. In that same instant, I can feel Harm's pain and my heart breaks as I look across the room. His attempt at a smile letting me know he is happy for me never reaches his brilliant eyes. I am still so aware of his presence and I wonder if I will always be tortured by my love for the man I had to let go.

I look around to all the curious gazes and I smile again at Jabir. I try to calm my shaky voice before I introduce him to my friends. I know it's obvious by now who he is, but I want so badly for all of them to meet the man I love, my husband. I'm saved as the Admiral graciously walks up to Jabir and extends his hand.

"Jabir, its good to see you again. Your wife has been missing you something awful." His eyes twinkle and I can tell he's trying to lighten the mood. The Admiral talks with us for a while and then we slowly make our way through the rest of the group. I'm excited that my friends seem to take to him instantly, but that isn't hard with Jabir. His kindness always wins people over.

As I turn, I realize with dread that the only person I haven't introduced him to is Singer who seems to be locked onto us like a heat-seeking missile. As she approaches I try to paste on a smile but I mumble in Arabic a certain plague I wish would befall her.

"Ma'm. I just wanted the chance to meet your handsome husband." This woman just irks me and the way she is ogling Jabir makes me want to inflict serious pain!

"Lt. Singer, this is my husband, Jabir." I smile tersely and then look to Jabir. His eyes are still dancing with amusement at my previous mumblings.

"The lieutenant works in our office as another lawyer." I'm hoping to leave it at that but Singer presses on in her tacky way.

"I understand that you own several oil wells in Iraq and Kuwait. You must be very wealthy." My eyes narrow as I try to anticipate where she is taking this conversation. "I'm sure now that you are here your 'wife' will want to settle down and have a family. I believe in your culture the women don't really have careers."

Jabir senses me tense and I think he's mildly afraid I am going to attack her because he places his arm around me. As he turns his eyes to me, I can see his understanding of my dislike for the woman in front of us. "Oh, I'm not sure that Amirah will ever 'settle down' and I would never keep her from doing something that she loves. I think she will be at JAG for a long time."

The disappointed look on Singer's face makes it hard for me not to laugh. "Oh, of course. Well, it was nice to meet you." As she walks away I am reminded all over again why I love this man so much.

Jabir and I talk with Bud and Harriet for a few more minutes. I have been looking around to see if Harm is still here, but I haven't seen him for at least half an hour. I can't blame him if he left. I hate that he is hurting and it is because of me, but I know that I made the right decision.

Its getting late and would really like to be alone with my husband. Searching the group, I find the Admiral and we make our way over to him.

"Sir, I just wanted to thank you for everything. Tonight has been wonderful." I pause and look at Jabir. "We're going to go ahead and leave if you don't mind. Jabir is tired from the trip and..."

The Admiral merely smiles at my attempt to make an excuse to leave.

"Mac, I am happy for you. Now, you two get out of here. I'm sure you're anxious to have some time alone with each other."

A blush creeps up my neck to my face and I thank him again. I literally drag Jabir out of the Admiral's house but we don't even make it to the car before he has me in a passionate embrace. Breaking apart for air is the only thing that seems able to slow our need for each other.

"Amirah, I have missed you. Promise me we will never be apart again. It is too hard for me to breathe without you beside me."

His simple declaration of love brings tears to my eyes. He kisses me again and I feel desperate for more of his touch. I barely manage to pull away from him and tug him after me to the car. We definitely need to take this somewhere else or everyone is going to get to know my husband way more than I want them to.

1 month later
1900 EST
Mac's office

I don't think in all the years of wishing that I knew I would actually be this happy. Jabir and I renewed our vows to make our marriage legal last week. We had a small private ceremony with just our close friends in attendance. Harm couldn't come. He was in the Indian Ocean dealing with a mid air collision between two of our pilots. As much as I wanted him to share that with me, I think it was better that he wasn't there.

When I first came back, I really hoped and believed that Harm and I could become friends again. But that was before I found out how he's in love with me. He's been so kind and has never said anything negative towards Jabir, but the pain is always there in his eyes. I don't think we'll be able to have much more than a casual friendship. Its too hard and I love him enough not to want to put him through that. I've thought about transferring to the Pentagon to make it easier on both of us, but nothing has been open.

I find myself staring at him from my office across the bullpen. He is sitting and just staring at one of the pictures in his office. Shortly after I returned, he took most of them out. But there are still a few left, one of them being the picture of Sergei, him and I. As happy as I am, it is bittersweet. My happiness could never be totally complete while Harm is hurting so much. A tear falls down my cheek as I watch him touch the picture tenderly. But it is the torture in his eyes as he raises his gaze to mine that brings my tears streaming down my face. The rawness of his pain makes me avert my gaze and I wonder how much longer I can stay here knowing I am the cause of it.

***Harm's POV***

I can feel her eyes on me, wanting so badly to take away the pain but not being able to. I know that Mac isn't oblivious to what I feel. I think she is hurting over this almost as much as me. I have tried to stop loving her, but I don't know how. I really want her to be happy, and I think she is. But it won't ever be complete as long as she can feel my pain. As I raise my eyes to hers, I see the tears on her face. Seeing her hurting rips at my heart. As she turns away from me, I see her shoulders shaking as she cries for the other man she loves.

Yes, I know that she loves me. I can see it in her eyes, but she would never be unfaithful to Jabir. She is a stronger woman than the one that made a mistake with Farrow. And I would never want to do that to her. I love her too much. I know now that I have to let go of her, if only for her sake. My only other option is to leave JAG, and I don't think I could do that. Even if I can't be the one she wakes up to every morning, I still need to have something of her. And if its only seeing her at the office and working with her on an occasional case, that will have to be enough.

2 months later
1800 EST
Mac's office

I am trying so hard to concentrate on this appeal, but I've been having the most foreboding feeling all morning. I can't help but worry about Jabir. He left yesterday to go take care of some final business deals in Kuwait. His willingness to start his life over for me is humbling. I know the change in culture and ideals will take some getting used to, but at least it isn't totally foreign to him. I smile as I think of our plans for the weekend. We're going house hunting when he gets back. Ok, focus. I can do this. Maybe I'll grab some coffee. There's no point in rushing home with Jabir gone and it would be good to get this done. As I walk out, I notice that Harm is still here. I think he's trying to get ready for the Cox court martial. For the past 2 months things have steadily gotten better between us, which gives me hope. He seems to have moved on and I'm happy for him. I feel some of the closeness returning that we used to share. Of course it won't be like it used to, but it feels good to be able to go and talk to him when I'm frustrated with a case or something.

I fill my mug with coffee and walk back to my office to see Clay standing in the door. What does he want? As he turns, I feel my knees go weak at the look on his face. Please don't tell me that something happened to Jabir. Oh please no.

"Mac..."

He doesn't have to say anything. I can see the pain and hesitancy written into every part of him. "Mac, I'm so sorry. Jabir is dead."

His voice is barely a whisper but his final words tear at my soul and leave no chance that what I feel in my heart isn't true. I vaguely register my mug crashing to the floor and the feeling of the hot liquid on my legs. Jabir is gone? No, not when everything was fitting together so perfectly in my life.

Not now. This can't be happening. Shock and pain overwhelm me and I struggle to stay standing up. Just as I feel I'm about to collapse, strong arms reach around from behind me and I find myself in Harm's embrace.

***Harm's POV***

The sound of something breaking pulls my attention to just outside Mac's office. She's standing there looking like her world just ended. I look over to Webb and can see the pain on his face as well. My heart stops as I realize that it must have something to do with Jabir. She looks like she's about to fall and I find myself holding her up before I can register even getting out of my chair. She's crying uncontrollably and the sound rips my heart from my chest. I look to Webb and I don't need him to say anything to confirm that Jabir must be dead. As much as I have wished that Mac and I could have a chance, I've never wanted this. The sight of her in so much pain is almost too much for me to bear and I wonder why this had to happen now; just when she finally seemed to have found true and complete happiness.

2 months later
1530 EST
Mac's apartment

I know I should get out of bed, but it makes everything too real. Here somehow I'm safer from all the pain. It's been two months and I'm still waiting for him to walk in the door, to hear him calling to me, or to feel his touch. I'm probably still in shock and denial because I keep expecting someone to tell me that it was a mistake. Jabir really is ok and I'll wake up from this nightmare.

Clay told me as much as he had been able to find out. Jabir had been duped into meeting a man Sheik Al-Farabi had hired to exact revenge for Jabir's 'betrayal of the faith'. His death was quick and he probably didn't even know it was coming. For that at least I am grateful. The thought of him in pain makes me sick.

I can hear someone knocking on my door, but I don't feel like getting it. I don't really want to see anyone right now. The weekends are the only escape I have from sympathetic eyes and well meaning friends. I feel guilty for having that attitude. Harm has been my rock. He took care of most of the funeral arrangements for me and made sure that everyone was notified. Everyone was so kind, but I got tired of being told that I just needed to give myself time. How can there be enough time in the world to get over the death of the man you love. Tears come again as I realize I'll never see his sweet smile or hear my name on his lips.

Outside Mac's apartment

***Harm's POV***

I'm worried about her. She was supposed to meet me at the park so that we could play with lil AJ and baby Sarah, but she never showed. I saw her car so I know she's home and I debate about letting myself in. She hasn't really shut me out during this time, but she's not talking about how she feels. I don't think she's talking to anyone about it. Instead just shutting it up inside her. I know it will be difficult for me to hear her talk about him, but I want so badly to help.

I let myself in and notice that even though its late in the afternoon the lights are all still off. I have second thoughts about her being home until I hear her sobbing in her bedroom. Walking into her bedroom, I see her crying into her pillow. She seems so lost and the only thing I know to do is pull her into my arms. She seems to cry endlessly before her soft breathing tells me she's fallen asleep.

As I sit with her sleeping in my arms, I swear to myself that I'll do anything to make the pain go away. I know it's not that simple, but I have to see her smile again and hear her sweet laugh.