Chapter 7

Next day – Kuwait Air force Base Hospital
0800 Local time

***Mac's POV***

My mouth feels like rough cotton and there is a constant ache in my chest and side. As I struggle to open my eyes, everything comes back to me. The images and sounds from that night flash through my mind. I don't think I will ever forget the look in Harm's eyes as he told me I had to come with him. At first I couldn't understand why they were standing there with guns pointed at Jabir and I. But then the accusation and disappointment in his eyes brought a flood of understanding and then anger. Is that what they really think of me?

I hear him softly breathing and turn my head to see Jabir asleep, hunched over in a chair next to my bed. Even in his sleep he looks troubled and scared. The breathing tube has been removed, but I can barely whisper his name. I try to moisten my lips with my tongue, but its no use. He isn't far from me, but my arms feel too heavy. A movement at the door catches my attention and I look up to see Harm staring at me. I can see the guilt and remorse etched into his face, along with exhaustion. Holding his gaze for more than a few seconds is too hard and I have to turn away. Tears slip down my face as I try to understand how he could believe I was a traitor.

He says nothing to me, but walks into the room and takes a small cup from a bedside table. Jabir is still soundly asleep next to me. Harm walks around to the other side of my bed and silently motions to the cup in his hands. He pulls out a small ice chip and waits for my approval. I manage a small nod, and he rubs it across my dry lips before placing it into my mouth. Taking another, he again does the same thing and I am grateful for the cool wet sensation trickling through my mouth and down my throat. The look in his eyes and his touch is so intimate that I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. Jabir starts to stir next to me and I turn to look over at him grateful for the excuse to turn away. His eyes open slowly, but as he sees Harm he immediately sits up and moves closer to me.

Once again the look of love and concern in his eyes tears at me. What is he going to think of me once he knows?

"Amirah, you are awake."

"Jabir, I have to tell you something…" My voice is barely a whisper and fear courses through me as I struggle to find the words. "I have deceived you. I do not deserve your love." When I raise my eyes to his I am amazed to see understanding and acceptance.

"Amirah, I know who you are. Your admiral told me. At first I was upset, but he helped me understand. I do not hate you. I could not; I love you too much." How can he still love me and forgive me? I don't understand, but the relief sends tears streaming down my face. How am I going to leave him?

"Jabir, I love you so much. Please know that. I would give anything for you." Sadness flickers through his eyes at my declaration of love.

"You have already given too much. If I had lost you…" He shakes his head as if to banish those thoughts. "I cannot lose you. I know we cannot go back to Iraq. I will do anything to go with you to your home."

His next statement takes me completely by surprise as I struggle to understand the remorse in his eyes. "Can you forgive me for taking you away from your friends? For making them think you were dead? I have caused you so much pain."

"Its not your fault, Jabir. But what about your father? Won't he come after you?"

His eyes flash with pain and then hatred. "Amirah, my father is dead. The Russian arms dealer killed him." Seeing my guilt he shakes his head at me. "NO. This is not your fault."

He abruptly looks away from me and I turn to see what has taken his attention away. Harm must have left at some point and now the Admiral stands in the doorway. The Admiral is here? I struggle to sit up at least a little straighter, but he flashes me a grin and shakes his head at me.

"Don't even think about it Colonel. Rabb told me you were awake and I just wanted to check on you." His discomfort at his intrusion is obvious. Jabir seems to sense that the Admiral needs to talk to me in private and squeezes my hand.

"I will be back soon." I am amazed but pleased at the friendly nod the Admiral gives to Jabir as he walks out.

"Sir, It's good to see you again." Hell, that sounded lame but what do you say after this long. He must think it was lame too because he softly chuckles at me.

"Mac, I have no idea what you just said, but its good to see you awake. You had us all pretty worried, Marine."

"Sorry, sir." I'm blushing at my mistake in speaking Arabic to him.

"Mac, you don't need to apologize. We all know you will need time to adjust." His face gets a faraway look and sadness creeps across his features. "You've been gone a long time. I, we, thought we'd lost you."

I curse myself for the pain I have caused others. I want to let him know and I get frustrated as I struggle for the words. "I'm sorry. I should have tried harder to let someone know where I was."

"Mac! We know you couldn't do that. You would have blown your cover instantly. Don't feel guilty about that….." he pauses and then adds hesitatingly, "I haven't told anyone back at JAG that you're alive. I didn't want to until… Until I knew you were going to pull through. So far it's just me, Webb and Rabb that know you're here."

At the mention of their names, my face clouds over. I am still so hurt and a little angry. "Mac, I know you're upset about what happened. Hell, so am I. But those two men couldn't be any sorrier for what they did. You know they only fired because Jabir made that move first. They never meant to hit you. I think both of them would die before they would intentionally shoot you."

"I know sir, but how could they think I would betray my country? I would never do that."

"Mac, they were confused. They saw how you were with Jabir and how natural it was for you to speak Arabic. Added to that you told Webb you weren't sure if you should go back. And when Raihan waited so long to go to the meet, they just didn't know what to think. They made a mistake. A terrible one, but still a mistake."

Guilt sweeps through me. I hadn't even stopped to think what it must have looked like to Webb when I suggested maybe I should stay. Still, it hurts, but at least it makes a little more sense to me.

"I know that Jabir wants to come back with you, but I need to know what you want."

Hope floods through me at the thought that he could. "Is that possible?'

"It will be difficult and I can't make any guarantees, but I'll do anything I can to help make it happen. If that's what you want… Webb is already checking around to see what he can do."

"Webb is trying to help?" I can't hold back the astonishment in my voice.

"He feels pretty guilty. I think you'll be able to get him to do just about anything you want at this point. You might want to make a list" He laughs as he says the last part and his eyes sparkle.

"I think I just might." I grin, thinking of all the times this may come in handy. Oh Webb, you owe me big time.

"Mac, what do you want to do about JAG?"

"I really don't know. I need to talk with Jabir before I make any decisions."

"I understand. Why don't I transfer you back to JAG... Well, after I fill out the mounds of paperwork to bring you back from the dead. Then you can take some time to decide."

"Where was I transferred to, sir?"

The look of disgust on his face makes me laugh. "State, if you can believe it."

Laughing, I roll my eyes. "Oh, I really am a spook then?"

He nods and smiles. "Fraid so. But you did get a purple heart, and under the circumstances Webb and Rabb have just insured you will get to keep it. "

I laugh again, grateful that he is being so lighthearted about it. "Sir, I do have one request. I don't want anyone else to know what happened here. Can we just keep the details of who shot me, classified?"

He fixes another big smile at me and nods. "I think we can do that and I don't think you'll get any argument from either Webb or Rabb. I've got to go make some calls and a few arrangements. The doctor indicated we could bring you home in a couple of days."

"Home... Do I even have a home? It has been almost 2 years."

"Don't worry about that. Webb is taking care of it as we speak. Rabb had all of your things stored for you. I don't think he ever completely gave up hope that you would come back. He's a stubborn man… Do you feel up to seeing either one of them?"

I know I have to do this sooner or later, so I might as well get it over with. "Yes, but one at a time." He smiles at my grimace.

Before he walks out the door, he comes closer and takes my hand in his. "Mac, it really is good to have you back. You've been missed more than you could ever know." Not waiting for a response, he walks quickly away.

I don't have more than a few minutes to myself before Webb pokes his head in. He is nervous and his face still holds the guilt of what he did. As he approaches carefully, I have to laugh at him.

"Worried I'm going to get out of this bed and deck you, Webb?" my attempt at a humor falls a little flat and he stares back at me.

"Mac, I know an apology just isn't enough. But I am sorry. I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me, especially for doubting you. Everything was just so confusing and seem so different. I'm sorry I made Rabb doubt you too. He didn't believe me, but I just kept pointing things out until he couldn't think any other way. It's all my fault. Don't be mad at him." He looks at me, pleading for forgiveness and I am surprised to find that I have already given it.

"Clay, I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't hurt that you thought I could betray my country. I think I understand what happened from your point of view though." He looks relieved by what I say and I think I'm not going to let him off the hook entirely. Not yet. "However, you are going to owe me big for a long time."

"Yes ma'm!" he gives me a mock salute and gets up to leave "Mac, I have to leave and get back to the states…"

"I understand…. Clay, thanks. For not giving up on me and coming to get me."

He nods softly and walks out the door. With his departure I know that I will have to deal with seeing Harm. This will be immeasurably harder and I hope I can handle this. There are so many feelings and emotions connected to him that I haven't had to deal with for so long. I wonder what is left between us? Clay said that I shouldn't blame Harm for doubting me, but it's still so hard for me to accept. He knew me better than anyone; making the betrayal hurt infinitely more.

***Harm's POV***

I walk into the room to find her staring off, obviously deep in thought. The lines of her face are sad and I can tell that whatever she is thinking about hurts. I know more than likely that I am the cause of her pain. That seems to be all I give her, just pain.

"Sarah" my voice is barely a whisper, but she turns towards me. She raises her eyes to mine and time seems to slow. I find myself getting lost in the depths of her brown eyes. My chest constricts at the sadness I see. So much pain reflected back to me. I want nothing more than to take her in my arms and soothe her. As I call her Sarah again her tears begin to fall, tracing jagged paths down her face. Her tears bring my own and I find myself kneeling at her bedside begging for her forgiveness. There are so many things that I need her forgiveness for. For nearly taking her life, for doubting her, but most of all for never telling her I love her. I sent her away letting her believe I didn't care and the knowledge has tortured me every day. It doesn't seem possible that I can ever gain her forgiveness, but as I look up into her eyes again I am overwhelmed. There is still so much pain there, but I don't find any blame in her eyes. No accusation or hate. I know that I will be lucky if I ever get her trust and friendship back, but I vow to myself that I will do whatever it takes. As for her love, that is an entirely different matter. But it is enough to know that Sarah Mackenzie doesn't hate me for what I have done. That simple truth in her eyes gives me hope.

Chapter 8

3 days later
Enroute to Dulles.

***Mac's POV***

Today has seemed like a waking dream. I dressed in my uniform for the first time in almost 2 years. It actually took me a minute to notice that my silver oak leaves had been replaced by birds; signifying my promotion to full Colonel. I wonder when that happened? At my questioning glance, Harm merely smiled and told me I had more than earned it. He has been promoted to Captain and I think the bars look good on him. He told me as well that Bud had made Lt. Commander. The best news I've heard though is that Bud and Harriet have a 6-month-old girl. I am so incredibly happy for them, but when he told me they had named her Sarah… I was humbled and touched to have been given that honor.

As I look out the tiny pane of the window, I wonder how to meld my old life with my new one. It all seems pretty daunting right now and I wonder what my decision will be regarding staying in the Marines and JAG. I don't think I really want to leave the Marines, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. I have a week off to re-acclimate to the life I left behind, but that hardly seems like enough.

It feels odd to be away from Jabir and I miss him terribly. He promised to come soon and I know Clay and the Admiral are doing everything they can to bring him to the states quickly. Webb left just after we talked and the Admiral had to follow him shortly. That only left Harm to stay with me until I was cleared medically to make the return trip home. At first I wasn't sure that I wanted him to stay. I have been struggling to understand what I still feel for him. At times it seems awkward and foreign, but at other times it seems like the most natural thing in the world to be sitting next to him. To see his smile and to hear his voice. When he looks at me sometimes its almost as if I never left. As if his cold words are washed away along with 2 years of believing he doesn't care. But so much has happened since I left.

As much as I have changed over the last 2 years, so has Harm. It's just been the last day that I've really noticed the subtle differences. He's still strong, but more vulnerable somehow. I can't really explain it; it's more a look in his eyes than anything else. And although his flyboy grin is still there, there seems to be a sadness lurking just beneath its surface. I wonder what brought about the changes in him. What could have possibly made such an impact on Harmon Rabb, Jr?

I fidget trying to get comfortable and I can feel Harm looking at me. He really has been so sweet about trying to help me with everything, especially after Jabir had to leave. At first I thought he was solely motivated by guilt, but I can see the concern in his eyes. After what happened before I left, I have to admit that I'm wary about letting him too close to me, emotionally. But if I am honest with myself, there is a part of me that will always belong to him.

I am happy with Jabir and I love him. He helped make me whole and gave me what I so badly needed. It isn't just what he has done for me that made me fall in love with him; it's the man that he is. But love is unique with each person that you feel it for, and once someone holds a piece of you I think they are a part of you for the rest of your life.

I sigh thinking about the long flight back with the wounds and stitches in my side giving me so much grief, but at least we're flying first class. Webb arranged it and I have to laugh thinking of how useful this situation is going to be. I recline my chair back as far as it can go and finally find a comfortable position. My body is still exhausted from the trauma it has been through and sleep comes quickly.

***Harriet's POV***

Colonel Mackenzie is alive! It seems impossible but I am so grateful. We have missed her so much, and I know Captain Rabb has suffered without her. Right now I am rushing around my house trying to get lil AJ and baby Sarah ready to go with us to the airport. OH! I just realized she might not even know about baby Sarah, but I'm sure the Captain told her. When I found out I was pregnant again, I was so excited. I know it might seem strange to some that we named this child the same as our little one that we lost, but it just felt right. When I asked Captain Rabb what he thought, he just smiled and said that Sarah would be so honored if she were here. I don't know why he started calling her Sarah instead of Mac, but I suspect it made him feel closer to her. He has always been wonderful with lil AJ, but he is extra tender and sweet with baby Sarah. I think whenever he holds her, he feels closer to the Colonel.

I hope that she and Captain Rabb are doing ok. I don't know if she knows yet how he feels about her, and not knowing what happened while she was gone… well, I just hope that they can finally work things out. She deserves so much happiness and he loves her so much. Maybe they can both finally be happy. I am anxious to hear all about what happened when she was gone and how she managed to stay alive, and how Webb found her. Oh my, I better not bombard her all at once. Bud just walked in the door with the biggest grin on his face. He is excited too. He looked up to Colonel Mackenzie a lot. She was always kind to him and looked out for Bud. I know he has missed her terribly.

I feel the tingles of excitement rush through me for the millionth time today and I find myself amazed all over again that they found her. The Admiral didn't say much when he called, but he did tell me that she was wounded badly and would have to wait a few days to come back. I sensed there was a lot he didn't say and I wonder what happened over there. In less than an hour Bud and I will be meeting her and Captain Rabb at Dulles. The only hard part about this is the difficulty I had explaining to lil AJ that his Aunt Mac was back from heaven. I wonder if he will even remember her, but I hope so. I have spent all week trying to remind him of who she was by looking at pictures and telling him stories. But it's been… wow, almost 2 years since she left.

1500 Dulles Airport

***Harm's POV***

Mac looks completely exhausted and I know her wounds must be causing her a lot of pain. "Mac, you don't look so good." I'm back to calling her Mac. It was too awkward for her when I called her Sarah. She seemed too uneasy every time I did.

"I don't feel so good. Can we wait for a minute until everyone is off? I don't think I can handle getting bumped around right now." There is a fine sheen of sweat forming on her forehead and I know she has to be hurting. I reach into my carryon and pull out the prescription the doctor gave her for the pain. She looks at me warily but when she doesn't protest I get even more worried. Right now I'm glad that I made sure only Bud and Harriet met us today. I didn't think she would be up to seeing many people right off and I can tell it was the right decision. She leans back and closes her eyes, but it's a good ten minutes before the plane empties out.

"Come on marine, time to get out of here." She looks up with the most vulnerable look in her eyes and my breath catches.

"Harm, I've been gone for a long time. What if I can't do this?" I didn't even think of her concerns in that regard and I want to kick myself for being so insensitive.

"I've got you Mac. Don't worry, it'll all work out." I blush at my words but she seems too tired to notice. Instead she just smiles at me gratefully and I find myself falling for her all over again. She's so tired I have to help her up and I walk with my arm around her for support. I don't want her to be in pain, but I cherish these few moments when she is leaning on me, seemingly trusting me. I know that once she is feeling better physically, the walls will probably come back up.

Just before the exit, she hesitates. I feel her need to do this on her own and I let go, though I stay as close as possible in case she needs me. She squares her shoulders and slowly walks out the door. In spite of her pain and exhaustion, she looks like she's ready to take on the world.

***Bud's POV**

I think we're at the right gate, but I haven't seen the Captain or Colonel come out yet. The last person walked off a couple of minutes ago and I'm really wondering if I wrote something down wrong. I hope not, that would be pretty embarrassing.

"Honey, are you sure we're at the right gate?" I mumble nervously and start to look around. My son keeps asking if I'm sure Aun Mac is coming back from heaven today. The poor kid is going to be confused again. It took us forever to try and convince him she wasn't coming back. And now, we had to tell him that she got special permission to return. I know this is going to cost me a fortune in therapy for him when he gets older.

"Mommy, I want Aun Mac and Unca Harm." Harriet tries to distract him but that is only going to work so long. Just as I'm about to suggest we check with a gate agent, movement at the exit of the jetway catches my eye. I almost wouldn't have recognized her if it weren't for Captain Rabb staying protectively by her side. It's kinda uncanny how different she looks, while looking the same too. It reminds me of a body snatchers episode I saw once on TV. It was really spooky. Eww, I wonder if that stuff really happens?

Harriet and I both stand at attention as soon as they come close enough. Colonel Mackenzie manages a weak smile and shakes her head. "Some things don't change."

"At ease you two." Captain Rabb laughs

"Ma'm, it's so good to have you back. I can't believe you aren't dead, but you look so different." Kill me now before I say anything else stupid. I'm just so excited to see her that my mouth is getting ahead of me.

***Harriet's POV***

The colonel looks so tired and weak it breaks my heart, but as soon as she sees baby Sarah sleeping in Bud's arms her expression softens and turns wistful.

"Is this her?"

Nodding, I ask if she wants to hold her.

"No, I don't want to wake her up." As she softly touches her cheek, she seems to be somewhere else entirely. "She's so precious and she's just… beautiful." Looking back to Bud and I, her eyes glisten. "I'm so happy for the two of you."

"I hope you don't mind that we named her Sarah. It just felt right and.."

"Harriet, I couldn't be more honored that you would choose to name her that."

"Permission to hug the Colonel?"

"Consider it an order, and its Mac." I try to hug her as softly as possible but she still grimaces slightly in pain. I start to ask her about how she got shot, but then I see her wedding ring and I get completely side tracked.

"Ma'm. When did this happen?" When I saw it I could tell by the look in Captain Rabb's eyes that it wasn't his ring on her finger. Now I really want to know what happened while she was gone.

"A little over 2 months ago. It's a long story." She smiles weakly and I am suddenly aware that Captain Rabb is actually helping her stay standing at this point.

"Oh look at me being the busybody. Lets get you out of here so that you can rest." It's at that moment that lil AJ decides to make his presence known.

"Aun Mac?" He is a little unsure at first and seems to be thinking seriously about something. "Did you really get to come back from heaven? Did you see my goldfish, Arnie? Daddy said that even fish go to heaven." The Colonel seems confused, but it only lasts for a moment and I remember why I love her so much. She stares back at him and makes a look like she is thinking really hard about something.

"Was he about this big?" At his surprised nod she smiles and continues. "Yep, I think I met him. He had a friend with him too." At her mention of a friend for his lost goldfish my son's eyes grow bright and he smiles. Before I can stop him he rushes to her and hugs her around the legs. Looking up he adds in his best grown up voice. "I'm glad you came back, Aun Mac. But I don't think you should go again. Unca Harm misses you too much."

The unsure look that the Colonel gives the Captain breaks my heart. She still doesn't know how he feels, and he will never tell her with another man's ring on her finger.

3 hours later
Enroute to Mac's Apt

***Mac's POV***

I am completely exhausted. It was so good to see Bud and Harriet again, but I just didn't have the energy to answer all their questions. I can't believe how much lil AJ has grown. When he asked me about being in heaven, it took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about. That poor little guy has to be so confused. And baby Sarah is adorable. I can't wait to really spend some time with them.

As Harm drives me home, I find myself searching for familiar places. I see a store or two that I don't recognize, but the area has remained the same for the most part. I find a strange comfort in that and wonder what awaits me at my apartment. My thoughts turn to Harm and how considerate and protective he has been. He's been pretty quiet most of the evening. Staying just close enough to help if I need it, but far enough away to give me the space I need. I'm still trying to figure out my feelings, but I do want him in my life as my friend. That much is clear to me. And though I think it will take awhile to regain our friendship, today gave me hope that it's possible. Lil AJ's statement about Harm missing me too much caught me off guard. I wonder what he meant.

"We're here. You sure you won't stay at my place. You're still pretty weak." His eyes are full of concern and not for the first time I have to stop myself from wondering what he is feeling.

"No. I need to be in my own place. Speaking of, how did you get my apartment back?" He just shrugs his shoulders and tells me it was Webb's doing. As I walk up to my apt, I am filled with mixed emotions. Harm opens the door and I walk in slowly. Looking around, I feel like I've been transported back in time. As far as I can tell, most everything is the way it was when I left. Of course, after 2 years my memory might not be that good. I immediately go to my couch and practically collapse. I vaguely hear Harm put some things in my room and then he comes back out to the front room.

"Um, there are a few of your things that are still at my apt. I'll bring them over tomorrow if it's ok." I mumble an ok, wondering why he has some of my stuff at his place, but I'm really too tired to think about it. It feels so good to lie down. I don't think I am going to make it to my bed. Harm must know this because he stands over me silently and then without saying anything scoops me up and takes me to my room. I'm too tired to protest and he places me softly on my bed. I mumble that I can handle the rest and he quietly leaves my room and closes my bedroom door. I barely make it out of my clothes before I collapse into blissful sleep and hope that Jabir comes soon.

***Harm's POV***

Being with her all day, but not being able to touch her or tell her I love her is killing me. She's so weak right now; I just want to take care of everything for her. I know that isn't my place and I know I have to be patient in gaining her friendship back, but … It's just so hard. I wonder if this is how she felt, wanting to move forward with me, but me being unwilling to do so. Now that I am ready, she belongs to another. I haven't been able to find a single thing about him that I dislike, other than the fact that he has her and I don't. Truthfully, I respect him because he truly makes her happy. He doesn't have the arrogance that Brumby did and I'm not even going to compare him to Dalton or Chris.

I groan thinking of how awkward Lil AJ's statement was about me missing her. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind if she knows how much it hurt me to believe she was dead. I just don't think she's ready to hear about how I feel yet and I don't want to push her. I've caused her enough pain already. She has kept the small amount of conversation we have had steered away from any topic of us. When I started to apologize to her in the hospital for my cold words the night before and the day she left, she just turned away from me. I barely heard her whisper pleading with me not to talk about it.

I walk around the apartment and am impressed by how quickly Webb had things put together. I wonder how he could so exactly arrange things the way they were. Hah, The spook probably took pictures of everything before I cleaned it out. Kinda weird in a sweet sort of way, I guess. No, the word sweet doesn't really come to mind when I think of Webb. It's just weird.

I know that I should leave and go back to my apartment, but I'm worried about leaving her alone. What if something goes wrong and she needs help in the middle of the night? I rationalize that the Admiral sort of gave me an order when he said to watch out for her and I really wouldn't want to disobey an order…. Well, if I sleep on the couch and get up early enough she'll never know I stayed. I decide this is my best option and struggle to fit my long frame on her couch. This is going to be a long night, but I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at my place worrying about her anyway. I just hope that the small amount of progress we've made towards recapturing our friendship won't disappear.