Rev. Dick's nephew, a fundamentalist determined to shut down COD
Hello, my name is the Rev. Dick Jr., and I want to warn you about the danger you are in by choosing to spend time with Dan of COD the Cult of Dan. I know many of you are drugged and brainwashed. But there are some of you who still retain some vestiges of common sense. It is to you I am speaking. I want to guide you in making the right choices, so you will not be sucked any deeper into COD. I first encountered COD on my return from South America, after a year of missionary work. I was eager to see my uncle the Rev. Dick, a respected pastor and evangelist, and the author of the popular teenage sex manual "Your Body: Temple of the Holy Spirit or Foul Cesspool of Iniquity?". To my horror, I discovered a sobbing, terrorized slave. My uncle had launched a crusade against COD, and this Dan character had secretly drugged him, hoodwinked him, stripped of his ministry and money and had been playing with his mind like a piece of silly putty for months, by forcing him to scrub a toilet night and day.
Not only was my uncle a great loss to the world of Bible-based evangelism, his money was the seed-money I had been planning to use to develop a number of worthy projects of my own. I successfully sued Dan, by proving that my uncle was a mental incompetent, and thus incapable of making a legal gift to ANYONE, let alone a rapacious trisexual in a skirt. Dan was forced to return the money to me. Sadly, I have since spent a small fortune on fruitless psychotherapy for my uncle, who remains firm in his Dan-induced delusions.
I once almost succeeded in shutting down COD, by reporting Dan to the Massachusetts Department of Social Services, and sparking a formal investigation which should have put this man behind bars once and for all. Sadly, the social worker assigned to the case, a Ms. Felicia Pickup, turned out to have an extremely non-biblical lifestyle. She fell in love with one of Dan's female drones, Quivering Monkey Pudding, who turned out to be Dan himself in disguise. With the investigation fatally compromised, the DSS had no choice but to abandon it for the time being. I am still hopeful that it can be revived.
Dan fears me, because he knows that I am the only one who truly understands him, and the tricks he uses to manipulate his followers. I have experienced that trickery on several occasions. When I threw a Bible Fun Day, to re-launch COD Deliverance Ministries, the CODists drugged my punch, dressed me in a pink tutu, and encouraged me to perform a VERY humiliating act with an anatomically-correct inflatable Rush Limbaugh doll. More recently, at the COD first anniversary celebration, Dan substituted some of his drugs for my annual flu shot. For the next eight hours, I was rolling around on the floor of COD HQ, giggling, and offering myself to passers-by. I eventually volunteered to play a game called "Chinese finger cuffs" with Dan and some deranged person calling himself the "Penis Giant". I'm not sure how the game came out, since for some reason I blacked out shortly after it began. But my doctors assure me that, in time, I will make a full recovery.
If you get involved with Dan, he will do to you exactly what he tried to do to me: flood your system with will-weakening, libido-enhancing, hallucinogenic drugs, and then make you perform repugnant sexual acts, day in and day out, for the rest of your life. He will also attempt to make you believe all sorts of ridiculous "COD dogma". He will claim that an evil elf named Binky is threatening you, and that obedience to Dan is your only hope. (Binky is, of course, Dan kneeling on a pair of sneakers.) He will tell you, on the basis of no evidence whatever, that the universe is only a little over one year old�the previous universe having been destroyed in November 1999, shortly after an episode of "Pinky and the Brain". Extensive Biblical studies have shown that the universe is in fact slightly over SIX THOUSAND YEARS OLD, but don't expect to hear that from Dan! See how this man insults your intelligence? He has no interest in the truth, only in shoving his absurd dogma, and whatever else he can get, down your throat.
Here is what you must do. First: familiarize yourself with the TRUTH about COD, by checking out the CDM website. Producing this website was my uncle's last rational act before he went insane, and it is still the best explanation of how COD works its evil magic. Second: DO NOT participate in COD by asking Dan to rename you, posting on the COD message board, or taking part in any of Dan's ludicrous fantasy storylines. If you do things like that, there is a very good chance that Dan will start to notice you, encourage you, and play with you. Then you will never get away from him.
Your best chance at a decent, respectable and self-controlled life is to stay quietly in the background, sneak out the first chance you get, and head over to COD Deliverance Ministries. Your confessions may be very useful in putting this man behind bars. And you can enjoy my renowned series of seminars on family values, and the occasional stimulating game of co-ed softball. Please help me; I need your support.
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