LORD OF COD, The CODFATHER
A trisexual megalomaniac and leader of one of the most successful mind-control cults in history.
Hello! My name is Dan, and I am the leader of a religious cult called "COD, the Cult Of Dan". As of this writing, we are one of the most popular Parody Religions ever on Yahoo, but, as you will soon see, we have not even APPROACHED our peak. I would like you to watch a videotape given to me by an historian from the year 2968. Enjoy.
(Begin Videotape:)
Identity must remain a secret as per the laws from my time period, don't ask why, just accept it. But I have some exciting things to tell you about regarding COD the Cult Of Dan. COD is the foundation for our civilization. Our ruler, Dan, is still alive (and recently celebrated his 1000th birthday, although he does not look a day over 600 and still has a GREAT ass) and rules us with an iron, butt-loving fist. There is no war; Dan has solved that by ending all human conflict by making virtually every decision for everyone, all the time. This massive task is accomplished with the aid of two things: The innovative "D" chip technology that Dan has invented, and Dan's, omniscience, omnipotence, and omnippletance.
The D-chip is inserted into the victi� Err, subjects, head and remains there permanently. Through this device Dan is able to work his will, simulating actual thought and emotion, and enabling the subject to perform day-to-day activities like bathing, eating, walking, baking Dan an apple pie, violating sexual taboos with Dan, etc.etc. All the things you absolutely NEED to do to survive without ever actually having to resort to a thought of your own. This is crucial, because as we all know, free will and critical thoughts are EVIL. Before Dan, only inanimate objects, a few lower order life forms, and Conservative fundamentalists were capable of the sort of raw, unbridled stupidity that makes life on earth under Dan such a beautiful thing. Now, every man, woman, beast, and thing is able to enjoy the simple certainty that no matter what the facts say to the contrary, what Dan tells them is true. Rigid devotion to outdated dogma has given us peace, prosperity (well, Dan has prosperity anyway, and that's all anyone really cares about) and happiness.
In the past, when a person questioned the perfection of Dan's rule, they were laughed at. If they persisted, they were Bar B Qued and eaten by Dan and some of his lucky followers. Now no one questions Dan. They just give him all their possessions, their free will, their immortal soul, their absolute devotion, and head. In addition, people regularly bake him apple pies and celebrate their faith in weekly ceremonial lime jell-0 orgies.
The reason I am sending you this videotape is for your safety. Some will try to prevent this future that I have described from happening. Binky the psychotic evil elf, Dan's estranged son is the most well known threat to Dan centered living. Although Binky has been vanquished, rumors persist that he still lives, hiding in a pair of silk boxers on the moon Europa. When ever someone questions the will of Dan, they are reminded that if we were to ever STOP letting Dan control our lives, Binky will either kill us or force us to listen to and actually PARTICIPATE IN country line dancing. Also, death in a Binky dominated universe is NOT the swell thing that death is in a DAN dominated universe. In a Binky controlled after life, people will be forced to scrub toilets for all eternity (often times without a brush) in service to the diminutive tyrant, Binky. This afterlife is called "the Jackson 5ive" (nothing to do with either the 'Jackson five' or the band '5ive) and it is a BAD thing. Dan's afterlife is called "Nirvana" (not the band) and is a happy place where everyone gets back everything they ever gave to Dan with accumulated interest and has EVEN MORE happiness than they already have.
So you can see, Dan-centered living is a beautiful thing, because Dan loves you. He loves your money, he loves your stuff, he loves your nubile young flesh, and he loves your money. And your nubile young flesh. A lot.
(Someone flicks on a light and we get our first glimpse of the historian, who, coincidentally, looks EXACTLY like Dan)
HEY turn that off damnit I'm trying to make a propaganda video!
�uhm, I'm NOT Dan, in the future, everyone looks like Dan. Now just go worship Dan and whatever you do, DON'T THINK!
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