Dan's son, an evil elf living on the moon Europa
A goat dominatrix spy recently sent me the following transcript. She paid for this information with her life, plus a lot of subway tokens:(The scene is a function hall on the distant moon Europa; a banner overhead reads "Binky the psychotic evil elf's state of the universe address". In attendance are thousands of Keebler elves, countless little packets of ketchup, the Jolly Green Giant, a goat/elf crossbreed, and a mutant that looks like a combination of Don King, Judy Garland, and July Andrews. )
"Welcome to the first annual state of the universe address by me, Binky the evil elf. As most of you are aware, I am the creator of the universe, so I am the only one qualified to speak on the state of it. It's bad. In fact, I can say with absolute confidence that the universe, as it is now, frickin' sucks. When I created this universe, I had high hopes for it. I dreamed of a world where NO ONE would ever enter Nirvana (the afterlife, a true paradise, located just north of Main Street in an alternate plain of existence) and EVERYONE would worship me as the most powerful force in the universe, and the proud owner of the greatest ass in history. Clearly, as an evil overlord intent on destroying all that is good and CODly, the current state of things is a bitter disappointment, as I am sure it is to all of you, those wise enough to see that humans, farm animals, and inanimate objects should be made to SUFFER.
Dan, my father and mortal enemy, has turned the tables on us. Shortly after the real world ended (Late November, 1999, after an episode of Pinky and the Brain) Dan turned my beautiful prison into a recruiting ground for COD, the Cult Of Dan. Luckily, only a few hundred people have been saved so far. But with Dan exercising co-equal control over the universe with me, the potential for salvation is frightening. The chaos generated by this power sharing arrangement has created so much chaos in the universe that to many people, it may appear as if NEITHER Dan nor I are in control. This is fine in the short term, because most people don't have enough sense to worship Dan and guarantee their eternal happiness and will therefore suffer eternal torment. Eternal torment kicks ass. But what about the future? Are we going to stand idly by while Dan recruits more people and saves THEM from the eternal torment they so richly deserve? Is it even POSSIBLE for us to stop him? Many say it is not; that Dan is simply TOO magnificent, that he will never be completely defeated. I say that I can defeat Dan, destroy COD, and condemn all sentient beings to a fate worse than the death, worse even than a John Tesh concert! But I will need your help.
Dan has powerful allies and a growing cult that is fiercely loyal. (Mainly because he has them all addicted to drugs and brainwashes them). I have scored impressive victories over Dan and COD: I dominated the Lime Jell0 Olympics, defeated Dan in an historic Japanese thumb wrestling death match in a steel cage with flaming ropes and thumbtacks, ( I cheated, but that's what being evil is all about)
I once killed Dan with the aid of the flatulent furry ferrets and the Evil Green Cow, (he got better) I have kidnapped TOS and Dan, had wild monkey sex with their holy goat, founded the Log Cabin Republicans (not sure why I did that, I guess I just get a kick out of people even more illogical than CODlemites), and promoted country line dancing. We have tried many different strategies, all aimed at convincing people NOT to worship Dan. Free will has been one of our biggest successes. If people make their OWN decisions instead of having DAN make their decisions, then they will never attain omnipresent intergalactic universal one-ness and be happy with Dan in Nirvana after they die. It's a double-edged sword though, because this also means they are free not to worship ME. It's worth it though if it keeps people out of Nirvana. We can always club people to death like baby seals if they choose not to worship me. So the promotion of free will, along with widespread gratuitous death and destruction, shall be our method.
Our goals are, of course, domination of the universe, the death of Dan, the destruction of COD, and enforced universal misery. One other factor may be of some use to us. Some people have postulated that I don't exist, that Dan created me to scare people into worshipping him. While I am VERY uncomfortable with being mistaken for Dan (let's face it, he is NOT as turbo sexy super hot as I am) this silly fantasy COULD convince some people NOT to worship Dan. So when a social worker, preacher, or psychiatrist makes this claim, just humor them. Or kill them and eat them at a BBQ, either one is fine, I'll leave that up to each individual evil entity to decide for him or her or itself.
One final point, none of you are to EVER make the content of this address public. If people worldwide knew what we intended to do, they would flock to Dan like Bill Clinton to a thong wearing 20 year old. The LAST thing we want is for everyone alive to give Dan their allegiance, their money, their stuff, (including apple pies) and sex. If Dan gets all these things in large enough quantities, it will enable him to defeat our plans for universal crappiness. And of course we don't want that to happen
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