Bestygoat, The Holy Goat
A dominatrix goat, COD enforcer and angel of death, and TOS's main squeeze.
As delivered to COD University graduating class: ""Hello students, faculty, and indentured servants. I consider it to be a great honor to speak to you today about my experiences as goat dominatrix and COD angel of death. I stand before you today a goat at the top of her profession. The Old Testament angel of death has been quiet for a while now, Buddhism doesn't even HAVE an angel of death, and none of the other fanatic religions has an angel of death in my league. But I want to issue these words of caution for any of you here that are considering a career as apprentice angel of death: Being an angel of death is terribly difficult work. As Matt Damon said in the classic movie "Dogma", mass genocide is THE most physically exhausting activity you can undertake. After soccer. But the physical demands do not even BEGIN to tell the whole story. There is a HUGE misconception that all an Angel of Death has to do is whipe people out. Not true. You need to know WHO to kill, WHEN to kill them, and HOW to kill them. Sure, I could exercise my constitutional right to bear arms and shoot people dead with a 44 magnum, but where is the STYLE in that? Also, whatif you accidentally kill someone that has the ability AND desire to make MORE money to give to Dan? Dan hates it when you shut down one of his biological ATM's. ("biological ATM" is one of the many "pet names" Dan has for his flock). Also, what many do not know is that sometimes you are required to let a heathen LIVE!
I once worked undercover in the COD Deliverance Ministries, when it was run by the original Reverend Dick. My first desire was to let him roast in the fires of divine judgement. (I do have to admit,the fires of divine judgement are a LOT of fun for anyone in the AoD business) Dan however, wanted me to work undercover and pretend to actually LIKE Dick (capital 'D') so that I could undermine his efforts to undermine US. This made me very unpopular at COD for a while, since the details of this mission were kept secret. This is one of the most important things for an AoD to remember: Your role as "hit goat" will often make people unhappy with you. I can't count the times some CODless infidel begged and whined for mercy. "Oh please please please, I don't want to die, I want to live, I want to grow old, I want to pursue my dreams!" Well what about MY wants? I want to blow you up, have you devoured by a swarm of locusts, or maybe deep fried and served as an appetizer all in the name of righeous, loving, judgement. Victims of divine retribution are notorious cry babies, but you can't let that stop you.
Another challenge facing COD drones is the presence of non-cult mass killers. In Texas, George W. Bush has actually killed MORE people than me in the last couple years and he's not even an Angel of Death! (although I AM seeking a shovel-recount) As a professional, I am angered by comparisons to GW and others responsible for massive death, particularly the CEO of Firestone. Sure, Firestone and GW may have run up bigger totals than me,but they do so with no STYLE. In the lime jell0 olympics earlier this year, in the freestyle spanking competition, I actually killed one of my opponents with a sandwich while simultaneously winning a spanking medal for my efforts. Firestone and GW killed people in traditional, boring, ways: Through faulty products (Firestone) and the government(GW) It always struck me as odd that George likes to say he "trusts the PEOPLE, not the GOVERNMENT", but he DOES trust the government to KILL the people.
Finally, I would ask anyone studying to be an Angel Of Death Apprentice (there can be only one COD Angel of death, and I am it. I Do have helpers though, sort of like Santa's helpers, only armed) to remember that all work and no play makes drones dull. You should expand your horizons, enjoy all that Dan has provided for you. When I am looking to unwind after a long day of gloriously righteous plagues and seas of fire, I like to spend quality time with family and friends. AS you all must know, I am involved with a man I love very much, TOS, aka TheOtherStory. His simple, innocent perversion is the perfect contrast to my domineering sexual energy. He completes me, He is the Yin to my Yang, the "toe" to my "jam" and the "masochist" to my "Sado-".
I also try to involve myself in day to day COD activities. Whether it is competing in events, or carrying the Lord and Master of the Universe in my womb, I try to be as active as I can. My list of accomplishments is impressive, I have battled with both Binky and the Evil Green Cow and lived to tell of it despite being temporarily stripped of my divinity (I got better). I gave birth to TOS when he was cloned from Dan, and I gave birth to Dan when HE was cloned from TOS. I am the mother of two (one adopted, the other an evil elf/goat crossbread) and I was also a candidate for Vice President.
You may feel like this is too much for you to achieve,and you're right. You are only a mortal after all,and most of you are human. But don't get discouraged,don't give up,and don't forget to write out those wills and make Dan the beneficiary. If I knock on your door, I'd hate to have to wait around filling out paperwork before I kill you, then you'd really be in trouble. Betsy,aka "the Holy Goat", goat dominatrix,COD Angel of Death,and devoted wife and mother. "
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