[St. Dan of the Holy Paddling, cir. 1609]
87 ways to annoy Non-DAN believers
(or 'Fun Things For Enslaved Minds To Do')


  1. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that "Dan likes it that way".

  2. Drum on every available surface while chanting "I like Dan's ass. I like Dan's ass."

  3. Remove every line of someone's . newsrc file and replace the file names with "alt.sex.Dan.COD.hamster.duct-tape.fetish"

  4. Sing the Jell-O commercial jingle incessantly.

  5. Staple papers in the middle of the page and write 'COD' on them in crayon.

  6. Ask 800 operators if they would like to see a WWF match with you sometime.

  7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

  8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's underwear elastic.

  9. Go to the library and write "This Book Belongs to Binky" in every book.

  10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Repeat yourself several times.

  11. Go to an electronics store and set all the alarms for random times.

  12. Learn Morse code. Claim it's secret COD code and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip. . . "

  13. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

  14. Leave a tape of you screaming out Dan's name with Metalica playing in the background in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

  15. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "mooing" or "bleating" noise.

  16. Paint "Honk if you love transexuals" on the back of your Neighbor's car.

  17. Dress only in woman's clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

  18. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Explain to others in the room that "the voices in your head" told you this is "the way to salvation".

  19. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rented porn movies.

  20. Wear your pants backwards. Loudly announce to others that "the chaffing feels really good."

  21. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Ask for water at some point.

  22. Begin all your sentences with "something, something, squidgeon."

  23. Rouse your roommate from slumber each morning by doing the Macarana while naked on his/her bed.

  24. Take all the paper out of someones printer. Write "Dan is GOD!" on the back of every sheet in a light colored ink that doesn't show through to the other side. Replace the paper.

  25. When DAN Typing DAN replace DAN every DAN other DAN word DAN with DAN the DAN word DAN Dan.

  26. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets into the direction of your house.

  27. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

  28. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Explain that it "keeps the Jehovia's Witnesses away."

  29. Repeat everything someone says, as a question?

  30. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times with yourself:
    "Do you hear that Dan?"
    "No Dan. What is it?"
    "Never mind Dan, it's gone now. "

  31. Call a septic tank dealer. Ask what he's got in the way of used army surplus vechicles to invaid Canada with.

  32. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

  33. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

  34. Demand that everyone address you as "El Conquistador Dos es Los Drone".

  35. Go to a toy store. Find the Legos section. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. Leave store.

  36. At the laundromat, take a measuring tape and check the inside of the dryers saying, "well the bodies might fit in this here one..."

  37. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent Mindless Drone", paint the letters "MMD" on your chest.

  38. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Might as well hum "We're off to see the wizard" while you're at it.

  39. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling in Norweigan, as they read.

  40. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song while drinking 99 beers.

  41. Sing the "This is the song that never ends. . . " song but change the lyrics to "This is the song I sing to Dan; For I am his biggest fan; I heard a - nother slave singing it not knowing what it was; and I'll continue singing it forever just because....". Continue till shot.

  42. Leave your left turn signal on for fifty miles.

  43. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio with a direct link to Dan, and talk to it.

  44. Try playing the William Tell Overture by slapping your buttocks.

  45. When nearly done using a friend's bathroom, loudly announce "no, wait, I messed up", and then ask if they have any more towels.

  46. Inform others that they exist only in Dan's imagination.

  47. Ask people what gender they are, then ask for proof.

  48. Reply to everything someone says with " I think not."

  49. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
    the tray. Most effective when you're still in the store.

  50. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

  51. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
    don't want to fall off "in case Almighty Dan punishes us and takes away all gravity".

  52. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

  53. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such
    as "Feliz Navidad", the old opening music for "MTV" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

  54. While making presentations at work, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet and squawk.

  55. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day, the weather and your name.

  56. Make loud beeping noises when a large person backs up.

  57. Change your name to Daaaaaan Aaaaaacod for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

  58. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

  59. Invent nonsense internet jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

  60. Explain to passing strangers that Latino-Superstar Charo is plotting to kill you. Go into a lot of detail till you get them to run away.

  61. Walk around a grocery store and ask other shoppers if they would like to sample some free lime jell-O... then point to your crotch and grin.

  62. Listen to 45rpm records at 33rpm speed, and claim the slower speed is
    necessary because of your "broken free-will and limited mental processing as mindless slave to Dan.".

  63. At a golf tournament, wait for the player to take his first swing and then yell " Let's Get Ready to RUMBLE!!!!"

  64. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy of the Almighty Dan, of course.".

  65. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend" that lives in your pants.

  66. Go to a poetry recital with a club and a sign that reads: "First poem I hear that don't rhyme.. I'm a killin' again'."

  67. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions about sexual postions, food items and politics, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "gathering info for the cult".

  68. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket".

  69. Stare at static on the tv and claim you are "receiving magic pictures from the goats.".

  70. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Try to make it a foriegn tune.

  71. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and touch yourself.

  72. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

  73. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and saying "La la la la... I can't hear you".

  74. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Claim it was done by hamsters from outer space.

  75. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing that you are recruting sexual slaves for your Leader.

  76. Go to a local bingo hall. Holler random letters and numbers..

  77. Make all your appointments for the 31st of September.

  78. While in a hotel, call the front desk and ask if they have anything to remove blood stains, really big blood stains without a trace.

  79. Fill every sentance you say with cuss words and then claim you have a "very fuck bad shit crap case of damn suck cock turrets".

  80. At the store, ask the produce clerk what's the most reliable vegatable for sexual self-gratification.

  81. When giving directions, giggle and say 'Oh... uh sure that's how you get there' a lot.

  82. Put the title "Duke of the Naughty Bits" before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations.

  83. When it says, "Handicap Parking", explain that this means you. You are psychotic.

  84. Claim to your boss that the last Friday of every month is "Hermaphodite Awareness Day" and you must observer it as a Religious holiday. If he tries to arrgue it, ask if he'd like you to show him some proof, then wink.

  85. Serve only Doritos, wine coolers, and cherry Twinkies on Thanksgiving.

  86. Leave pictures of goats mating in the copier.

  87. Be "in conference with the voice of Dan" all the time.


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