[Ghandi consulting Our Great Leader over a cold one, cir.1957]
69 Reasons to Worship DAN


  1. He puts the "fun" back in dysfunctional religion.

  2. He looks better in a thong than Buddah ever did.

  3. Unlike the Christian Coalition, He's encourages the kinky, good stuff.

  4. He taste great and is less filling.

  5. He likes clowns.. well, most clowns. Can that Pope guy say that? Probably not.

  6. Better looking in a hoop skit and tube top than any TV Evangelist.

  7. The only beads used in His worship are the anal kind.

  8. You get a really cool nickname that any organized religion would be totally offended by.

  9. He will give you a free beer and pat on the ass for every MENSA member you bring to the Annual Cult B-B-Q.

  10. Promotes Freedom of Religion, Speech and Sex with Puppets.

  11. Loves your heart, your soul, your beliefs and your wallet equally.

  12. Can slam more beers than that Rev. Jesse Jackson wimp.

  13. Just fantasizing about Him will teach you how to have quadruple orgasms (Theory tested, it works).

  14. Makes sitting naked in worship in front of your computer second nature.

  15. Knows more about the World Wrestling Federation than any other Cult leader.

  16. Enslaves your mind in half the time as other religious gurus.

  17. His name is a lot more easier to scream out aloud in estascy than other leaders. Try that with Confucius, Mohammad or Sun Yung Moon.

  18. He's got a tounge as big as a sperm whale's ding-a-ling.

  19. He's promised not to force you to drink the Kool-Aid, at least not until His gun license is re-issued.

  20. Accepts converts from all Religions, as well as American Express, Visa and Master Card.

  21. Dan could kick any of the Pope's asses.

  22. Where other Cult icons promise to save your soul, Dan only promises to save you half a beer.

  23. Even Canada is afraid of Him.

  24. He's died and come back more times than most other Cult leaders.

  25. Preaches the healing powers of nipples and buttocks.

  26. Promotes canibalisim (only the smart ones. Deffinately NOT the dumb, rich ones!)

  27. Has a much cooler name than that L. Ron Hubbard geek.

  28. He will teach you the proper manners for asking for an extra whipping.

  29. Makes becoming a blubbering, drooling, worshipping idiot sound like a really good idea.

  30. You will never feel a need for clothes again.

  31. Allows multiple marriages with men, women, goats, vegatables, clowns, hamsters, etc...

  32. He is a whole lot better in the sack than that flabby Pat Buchanan.

  33. You'll get a free blow-up Dan Suit doll for every 10,000 mindless drones you recuit.

  34. Free Amature Midget Gynology PhDs with new membership* (midget not included).

  35. With such an obscenely, enormous ego as Dan's, how can your little homosapian brain say no?

  36. 100% guarantee; No purple shrouds to wear upon your untimely death. The colors clash with Dan's lovely eyes.

  37. Can do things to a hot apple pie that that kid in 'American Pie' couldn't even dream of.

  38. He is fighting congress to make butt implants an official medical tax write-off.

  39. No boring, depressing psalms to read through in His cult.

  40. His ass looks better than that Jennifer Lopez chick and He doesn't even need an insurance policy on His.

  41. Can replace all your sexual toys with a tasty handleful of miniRHJ's in the blink of an eye.

  42. He knows how to fight for your right to party while in drag.

  43. Even if you are a bastard, He'll be your Daddy.

  44. Did I mention the 'tounge like a sperm whale's ding-a-ling' part yet?

  45. Instead of boring Wine and Bread at mass, you get Whiskey and Doritos. He thinks of everything.

  46. With a unisyablic name like 'Dan', it's easy to moan out when being rode around the room like a pony.

  47. His Cult offers twice the sin with only half the guilt.

  48. You only need to surrender your free-will to follow Dan. Worldly possesion will be confiscated at a later time.

  49. Free lap dances every Thursday night. $20 drink minimum. $40 if you're Irish.

  50. Something something squidgeon. (Sorry, had a brain fart)

  51. He can even make an Amish Virgin want to get down and dirty.

  52. Science has proven that stucking on the mole on His ass can cure cancer. This only proven in lab monkeys, but wow!... those are some jolly little lab monkeys!

  53. Unlike some other people named Dan, He can spell potato.

  54. 9 out of 10 rodeo clowns can't be wrong.

  55. The only Religious Icon to look really sexy in a pair of red pumps.

  56. He's more addictive than cheap crack.

  57. You'll feel younger, lose weight and your acne will clear up just thinking about Him.

  58. Salman Rushdie gives Dan two thumbs up in his new book.

  59. He's easier to swallow than a gallon of bleach. Do not test this theory unless you have a Ph.D. or are a MENSA member.

  60. Dan shall promise you His undying love and affection... at least for a good 15 minutes then you can get dressed and leave.

  61. Has juicier breast than Diana Ross.

  62. Knows how to teach masturbatory techniques to over 23 known species of monkeys.

  63. He's married more hermaphodites to each other than the Rev. Sun Yung Moon.

  64. Loves people of all sexes, shapes and sizes... except you lard-ass, celibate biggots. He does not like you.

  65. He's Pro-Animal Rights: Does not believe in clubbing baby seals. Believes in clubbing you with a baby seal.

  66. No need to scar any weird symbol into your forehead to follow the Almighty Dan, unless it improve your appearance somehow.

  67. His name is small enough to shave into your pubic hair without cutting into your thighs.

  68. Will grant you everlasting life, if you grant Him full use of your ATM and savings accounts.

  69. It's probably not a safe bet to say no to a domineering, megalomaniacal, egocentric, trisexual, crossdressing, schizoid cult leader with multiple personality disorder running on a 5-year caffiene binge so just worship Him and like it.

    And last but not least...

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