Ask and it shall be given; Seek and you shall find; But ask about a flu shot seeking to make your professor laugh, and you shall be hated. In the midst of my professor�s complaints about his stomach problems last week, I thought to myself, �This bitterness surely stems from a lack of laughter in this man�s life. To the rescue�� After his tirade, I asked if he had considered getting a flu shot. He said no, and, knowing full well his issues had nothing to do with the flu, I told him he should. I was going to follow with, �Shots always make me feel better.� However, I didn�t get that far because he immediately said indignantly, �It�s not the flu.� Tempted as I was to come back with the old Arnold Schwarzenegger �It�s not a tumor� line, I resisted the urge. One look at the death glare resulting from my previous interruption of what promised to be a great pity party told me now was not the time. Alas, my attempts at turning that frown upside down failed miserably. Although, my faith in this man�s happiness was partially restored when he mustered up all of his energy enough to cast me a fake smile in the lobby.
JOKE OF THE MONTH:
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, �Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.� The Doberman says, �I love liver and cheese.� The Collie replies, �Not good enough.� The Bulldog says, �I hate liver and cheese.� She says, �Not creative enough.� Finally, the Chihuahua says, �Liver alone . . . cheese mine.�
RANDOM ACTS OF�INSANITY:
A night at the corn maze (pardon me, corn maize�clever) can reveal new insights into the attributes of groups. It�s like Sociology 101 in the real world. Some people always claim the leadership position, but in a group where many leaders exist, this does not always fare too well. Thus the paper-rock-scissor approach emerges. Still others, not understanding the logic behind paper-rock-scissor will take �the road less traveled,� and insist that, like Robert Frost, they will find more meaning on a less obvious path. Most will follow, and this may be for a variety of reasons: indifference, timidity, their unnecessary fear of small children, etc. A select few will deviate from the norm choosing to get lost over being thought a sheep. Others will want to take the sheep home (not the people acting like sheep�actual sheep�like from the barn). And of course there will always be some who cheat and exit through the entrance. For these, I fear there is no hope. So, next time you find yourself in the middle of a field surrounded by corn stalks, I suggest you take a moment to contemplate your role in the group. You might be surprised how life-
changing corn can be.
QUOTE CORNER:
�Cheese! No one told me we had cheese!� �Blake E.
�If you go to a fast food restaurant, you have to eat whatever they put in the bag.� �Dad
�I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.� - Thomas Edison
DEEP THOUGHTS:
v We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
v If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
WORDS FROM THE WISE:
What is the deal with miniature things anyway? So the original isn�t good enough for us anymore? We have to shrink it? Like mini M&M�s for example�I hate them. They don�t taste as good because there isn�t enough chocolate, and you eat them so much faster because it takes more to amount to a bite. Also poodles: who said, �Let�s take the most annoying dog we can find and shrink it. What a combo that will be, annoying and small!�? And, let�s face it, mini Cadbury eggs are just a desecration to the egg. Don�t even get me started on the miniskirts or mini-shorts (also called underwear depending on where you are from) that seem to be in style these days. Now, the Cheez-It people have the right idea with their Big Cheez-Its. It makes so much more sense to make things bigger. If those M&M people would have made one huge M&M, think how much cooler that would be. Or if the dog shrinker would have decided to breed like an enormous 10ft poodle. Now that would be something. Let�s start thinking BIG people!
Moral: Forget less is more. I have a new motto: Less is stupid.
THE DATING GAME:
Guess who is dating someone! Not me. Oh, man I got you good. I can feel the fury rising within the faithful three�and my mother. Don�t worry, I�ve already received my punishment with that resounding, �Brit, we need to get you fixed up� and the implied �pitiful soul� echoing in my head. To set all of our minds at ease, I will say that I see a tall, dark, and handsome man in the near future. Well, actually it�s more of a shadowy figure in the distance. Alright, it�s a shapeless blob in the unknown, but most importantly, it is present.
MY SISTER THE RETARD:
Just when I think I have Blake all figured out, I go on a weekend trip with her to Cody, Wyoming and all my knowledge is stripped away (and a little of my dignity). Saturday night my family went swimming in the hotel pool. No one else was in there of course because it was freakin� freezing. Oh, and what fool would visit Cody at this time of year? After we couldn�t stand the cold water anymore and our numb toes were begging for mercy, we all got out to dry off. Blake went into the bathroom and came out looking quite suspicious. My mom told me to go in there with her and see what she had done. When I went into the bathroom Blake said, �She thinks I did something, but I just have something in my eye.� Thinking I was sneaky, I said, �Well, let�s go out there laughing, and trick her that we did something.� Blake agreed, and the plan worked like a charm. My mom finally went into the bathroom to see for herself. She came out and said, �Ya�ll aren�t very creative!� I laughed thinking we had really gotten her. Then she said, �I found my underwear in the shower.� I looked at Blake�s smirking face and said, �You really did something?!� She erupted in laughter patting herself on the back for the double whammy she had just pulled. Come to find out later that after I had the bright idea in the bathroom to trick Mom, Blake had come out and whispered to my dad, �I sucked Brit in too. She thinks she�s in on it.� Is that revenge I smell? Could be�then again it could be the leftovers I just threw out.
SAY WHAT?!:
I know we all laugh at Will Ferrell�s voice immodulation sketch on SNL, but maybe we should stop laughing long enough to really think about how much that would suck! I�ve been conducting my own experiment at home (to Tera�s everlasting annoyance), and I�m telling you right now, those poor voice-immodulant people have it rough. I�ve only been at this for a couple of days, and this is what I�ve found. It is virtually impossible to make any snide remarks during boring lectures because the snideness is immediately overcome with embarrassment the minute the words leave your mouth. Discretely excusing yourself to go to the bathroom is out. No one wants to tell you secrets outside a double-panged soundproof booth (and how many of those do you see around?). You can be banned from the following: libraries, theaters, waiting rooms, and nurseries in a very short amount of time. In conclusion, we shouldn�t be such BIGOTS, but rather we should try to make them feel accepted. I suggested making up some new sayings to fit with this disorder, such as, �He was screaming pungent somethings into her ear.� However, I think it lost a bit of its luster in translation. Regardless, the time comes when we must stop laughing at others� misfortune, and�wait, what? Did I just say that? What I meant was laugh all you want as long as no one is seriously injured.
SIGN OUT:
-brit
