�Hah theyer clayus. Welcum ta Human Resowerce Manayegmeyunt.� It�s like a foreign language, this southern drawl. I feel like I need my secret decoder pin every Tuesday and Thursday at 12:30 in the lovely Human Resource Management class. My professor has the heaviest southern accent I have heard since I�ve been here. On top of her dragging speech she also likes to use as little inflection as possible, so it seems even slower. From the first day, I knew this class would become my favorite. There were many indications, but none so much as when she mentioned how at times a business can seem like an 800 lb. gorilla. It was funny enough that she said it, but then the girl next to me handed me a paper with a huge gorilla drawn on it. I completely lost it, and thanks to her and her little drawing I have already been pegged as a troublemaker. I�ll just have to use this to my advantage and just when her expectations of me sink to the lowest level, I will wow her with my intellect and an outstanding grade. Ah cayun dooh iyut!
JOKE OF THE MONTH:
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. �I'll be ready in a few minutes,� she said. �Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting. He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.� The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out. �Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?� �To tell you the truth, " John replied, "Spot seems a little depressed to me.�
RANDOM ACTS OF�INSANITY:
Weekly Bible study at Amanda�s house has truly been a rewarding experience on many levels. Of course there are the obvious reasons like fellowship and spiritual growth, but I think one of the best parts is that it provides a time for joint laughter�more specifically, laughter at Amanda. The beginning of the school year always brings much change, and the same goes for Bible study. This is especially true what with 2 of our members getting married and one of them moving away. In light of all the changes, Amanda decided that perhaps we should revamp our weekly meetings. In an attempt to shake things up, she brought out the tape player so we could listen to John Eldredge talk about �The Sacred Romance.� We waited patiently for Amanda to rewind the tape. However, when this process continued to drag on with no success, we started piping in with our helpful hints. Still nothing. I reasoned that the rewind button must not be working and told Amanda to turn the tape over and fast-forward. This proved far too complicated, and the mess continued�for half an hour. Finally, we resolved to forgo listening to the tape and call it a night. Unwilling to admit defeat (true to character!) Amanda decided to give the rewinding one more shot. I saw that she was pushing the fast forward button and asked why. She looked up confused and asked, �Which way does the rewind point?� Turns out she had been pushing the wrong button all along! Once we realized the problem, it was no time until �The Sacred Romance� was in full swing. You know times have changed when you are no longer able to run a tape player. Oh, Amanda�and all this time she thought we were laughing with her.
QUOTE CORNER:
�I know I�m saying stupid things, but I�m not meaning to.� �Tera C.
�We have a really great return policy at Christ Church.� �Jeremy M.
�If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?� �Abraham Lincoln
DEEP THOUGHTS:
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good lucky feeling.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
WORDS FROM THE WISE: (Blake, you may not want to read this one)
What is it about bugs that makes us act like idiots? Spare me the smart aleck comments about me acting like an idiot all the time! Although probably true, I don�t like to be outdone on my own newsletter�call me selfish. But back to the issue: Bugs are smaller than we are and usually slower than we are, and generally, they are not out to get us. So why do we fear them so�and of course by �we� I mean �I�. I�m not sure I�ll ever be able to answer why, so instead I�ll be content to share my humorous antic dotes on the matter. The garbage man comes on Tuesday morning, and almost without fail we forget to put the garbage out until about midnight Monday night. Such was the case this particular time, and I was the lucky winner of garbage detail. I responsibly gathered up all of the garbage in the house and opened the door to take it out. For some reason I stopped first and looked around (thank goodness), and I happened to see two small strands of a spider web attached to the porch light. I followed these two strands with my eyes and found that they were supporting a huge web with not one, but two big spiders. I threw the garbage down, slammed the door, turned the dead bolt, and ran across the room near tears and shivering. There was a problem, however, the garbage still needed to be taken to the curb. In my mind there was only one solution: We must never leave the house again and become comfortable with living in our own filth (obviously not a logical thinker in times of distress�how reassuring). Tera suggested that we go out the other door, walk around the house to the garbage, and take it to the curb, thus avoiding walking by the abominable web. I was still not too thrilled with this idea but agreed as long as I did not have to get the garbage can from beside the door. Tera walked out the door, and I, equipped with a can of Raid, reluctantly followed. So there we were in the middle of the night walking the long way around the house, avoiding trees, which may have been hiding other unknown creatures, Tera in front and me behind with one hand shielding my face and the other outstretched holding a can of Raid to attack any unforeseen predators. I would have liked to be a passerby that night and unexpectedly stumbled upon what had to be a hilarious sight. Since that day our garbage has been put out a day in advance just to avoid any more trauma, and I intend to keep it that way.
Moral: Face your attacker Raid-on.
THE DATING GAME:
In the past year many of my friends have gotten married. I guess it is just that time in life, at least, that�s what they tell me. Although a bit strange, I don�t mind my friends getting married. I do, however, mind them trying to get me married. It�s like now that they are married, they think they have found the key. Like the minute the words �I now pronounce you man and wife� are spoken, this mission is bestowed upon them: �You have found it. You must show the world!� I ponder this once a week at Bible study when Amanda attempts to inflict a crush upon me. Oh, and Eric listing out the guys in his Bible study, telling me to �pick one� like they are cookies and mine for the choosing. I think that in their acceptance of this new quest, they have forgotten how things work because last time I checked it wasn�t that simple. This everybody-I-know-getting-married stuff has a tendency to throw parents into a frenzy as well (parents of the un-marrieds, that is�soon we�ll be called the untouchables). My mom and one of the ladies in her Bible study tried to fix me up with that lady�s son. My mom�s advice to me was not to act silly on the date. I think her exact words were, �He doesn�t strike me as the kind of guy who would like a lot of movie quotes.� I thought, �Well then, he sure doesn�t strike me as the kind of guy who would like me.� It all comes down to a lot of good intentions that aren�t received well. So here�s a message to all my married friends: Leave me be.
MY SISTER THE RETARD:
Blake came to visit me here in Nashville at the beginning of August, and we had a blast. In my attempts to find some touristy things to do, I ran across an ad for the Adventure Science Center. I knew it was mostly for kids, but I also knew that Blake and I kind of relish in our immaturity when we�re together, so I knew we�d make it fun. Turns out it�s a really cool place (fun for the whole family�what am I, a commercial?). As expected, much of it is geared toward kids, as we quickly found out when Blake decided to venture into this tunnel obviously not built for adults. On the top floor there was a display about ears, and there were these huge ears with tunnels into them, so that children could crawl inside and see what the inside of an ear looks like. Well, Blake crawls right in, and as I wait for her on the other side and she doesn�t come out for a while, I start to get worried. What would I tell the front desk? �Excuse me, my sister is stuck in the giant ear.� Finally, I stick my head inside, and over the pseudo heartbeat, I yell to see if she is all right. Then I see her army crawling around the corner because the tunnel is not big enough for her to get on her hands and knees. We both die laughing, and the laughter continues as she finally gets out, and completely unaffected by the whole situation, crawls right into the other ear. It just proves what I�ve said all along; everything with her goes in one ear and out the other.
