Here�s a little-known fact about me: I love to flush money down the toilet. I can�t explain it, but there�s something gratifying about watching the bills spin round and round only to disappear into the dark caverns of nowhere (nowhere I will ever go anyway). I�ve found the higher the sum, the higher the enjoyment as well. I think about this every time I get my tuition bill in the mail. Some people skip class or don�t turn things in on time or at all. They waltz into class 20 minutes late once a week without the assignment and act shocked when the professor is mad. I�m glad all of that stuff works for them, but I�ve found that the toilet works just as well, and it�s much faster. Next time you are tempted to go out to a�oh, I don�t know�a birthday party or something instead of doing your 20-minute project, just picture that gleaming porcelain bowl with the swirling water and your cash. For you, that image might just be enough to make you stick your arm down into that black hole of filth. But I say, �Ew! Nothing�s worth that!�
JOKE OF THE MONTH:
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah right."
RANDOM ACTS OF�INSANITY:
The fateful day finally arrived. I knew that living in our own house would be better than an apartment in almost every respect. However, there was one problem that I knew would inevitably surface, and this one problem could, in fact, seal our doom. That�s right, a bug. It was a cold stormy night in July, and Tera and I were sleeping in the living room because our rooms were still in the process of being painted. I had just settled into my comfortable air mattress for the night when I heard an earth-shattering screech. Tera came flying (I think her feet actually left the ground) out of the bathroom yelling incoherent words. She didn�t need to speak because I already knew what was going on�the day had come. I walked to the kitchen, where Tera still stood sputtering nonsense, praying that the creature was not a spider. When Tera finally spoke an understandable word, it was only this one, �Slug!� I heaved a sigh of relief�I could handle a slug. The day had not come, and the world would go on. These thoughts before I saw the hideous beast! This was no slug. Oh no, it was the fattest, longest, most heinous creature that ever crept the walls. If anything, it was a small snake, but this was no slug. I too flew from the bathroom near tears and gagging. Seeing Tera still in hysterics I knew I was going to have to suck it up and be the brave one. My body told me differently, though, because every time I walked toward that bathroom, my feet flew around backwards and ran out. I told Tera to give me something long to get it on so I could flush it down the toilet, and she handed me a lid! I screamed, �Tera! I can�t even look at the thing and you want me to get it on a lid!� She replied, �Well, maybe I can scrape it up with the broom and throw it outside.� The minute she suggested she do it, I was all for anything (and besides, my next plan was to suck it up in the vacuum). After a few practices, we had chosen the best maneuver. As Tera performed her death-defying act, I took the role as cheerleader (from across the kitchen�I wasn�t getting near that thing!) In moments, Tera had gotten the slug and thrown the entire thing outside�broom and all. Later that night it occurred to me that we should have just thrown salt on it, but when I suggested that to Tera, she looked at me stupefied and said, �I don�t want to kill it. It�s innocent.� Some things we�ll never understand.
QUOTE CORNER:
"Don't be so humble, you are not that great." -Golda Meir
�He said he was a vegetarian�and there I was looking like a carnival!� -me
DEEP THOUGHTS:
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
WORDS FROM THE WISE:
I think I will begin my thesis on the idea that clumsiness is contagious. It is no longer a theory; it is a reality, and I think the world deserves to know. A couple of weeks ago, Tera was bragging about the sweet tea she had made. Her bragging was justified though because it really was excellent, and I consider myself to be a sweet tea connoisseur, so that�s quite a compliment. We toasted to this great batch of tea. Then, in honor of Tera�s accomplishment, I spilled my glass all over the counter. We laughed as I cleaned it up, and Tera politely poured me a new glass. When I was almost finished sopping up the mess, I bumped my new glass of tea and spilled that one. Okay, not so funny this time�to me that is�Tera was laughing her butt off. As I cleaned and she laughed, she picked up the tea pitcher to put it back in the fridge (away from me no doubt). I heard a loud crash and saw Tera�s shocked expression. You guessed it�the whole pitcher of tea on the floor.
Moral: No use crying over spilled tea�laughter is so much better.
THE DATING GAME:
The legend of the third wheel continues. Obviously my reputation has preceded me because I have managed to carry my date sabotaging skills all the way here to Tennessee. I think I am going to start charging for my services. I mean, if I have to see the disgusted looks of the unwanted dates when they realize the purpose of my coming, I should at least turn a profit. I think my ad will go something like this:
�CAN�T SEEM TO SAY NO?� It�s a familiar scenario�He asked, you accepted, and now you can�t seem to contract the flu. Tough situation, but now there is help! For a mere $20 and hour (plus the cost of the date), you can arrange for a DD (designated date-wrecker) to accompany you on your date. One look at the tag-along friend and your date will get the picture! Call today�operators are not standing by because contrary to popular opinion, no date does not equal no life.
Results not guaranteed.
MY SISTER THE RETARD:
This is such a great story, and she tells it so well, so for once I think I�ll let Blake speak for herself.
�I blew a mint out my nose. Not on purpose, but I was doing something weird, and sucked in to laugh, and started choking and Shane and Hali were laughing so hard. Then a little while after that, I pointed to the top of one side of my nose and said, "Man, it feels like the mint is right here�weird." ( I just figured that would happen since I sucked up my minty fresh breath and that was all.) Tthen I said, "Shane, what would you do if I sneezed out a mint on you <laugh>?" and when I laughed, the mint shot out of my right nostril. shot-out! I picked it up and yelled "IT JUST FLEW OUT OF MY NOSE!" They 'bout peed their pants.�
SAY WHAT?!:
My friend Tayler is the most quotable person I know. She is always dishing out hilarious one-liners. I have decided to spread the joy with you by letting you hear a few, and feel free to use these yourself. But remember, an ethical person will give credit where it is due (from the little angel on your shoulder).
� �There are too many �Hey, look at me, I�m lookin at myself in the mirror and I�m lookin good� people.�
� �The whole hippie movement is just an excuse for people to have sex, do drugs, and not bathe.�
� I don�t make fun of how people look�well�if they have funny hair��
� �I�m like herpes; you may think you got rid of me, but I�m still there!�
As is frequently the case with newsletters, these are much funnier coming from the actual person�s mouth rather than written out, but you get the idea�and hopefully a few laughs.
SIGN OUT:
-brit
