What do The Eye of the Tiger, Mother Theresa, You Gotta Have a Fiddle in the Band, Ronald Regan, and Rambo have in common? Having trouble finding a connection? You have just experienced a tiny fraction of the confusion I go through twice a week in my International Business class. Somehow all of those things supposedly relate to globalization of the economy. Now, as excited as my professor gets about these little analogies, they just don�t quite make it. That is really where the problem lies�he can�t get to the point. The other day after listening to two songs (with the lyrics provided on the screen so we could derive some profound meaning from �if you�re going to play in Texas, you�ve got to have a fiddle in the band�), listening to every joke Regan told during his lifetime, learning about the contributions of Mother Theresa on the US presidency, and staring at a picture of Rambo while background music played, the �point� of the lesson was summed up with this: �Look your enemy in the eye!� Okay, is that supposed to mean something because I don�t get it. I spent more time trying to remember what class I was in than I did learning about international business. We have a test this week, and I can�t help wondering if we�re going to have to memorize the lyrics to The Eye of the Tiger because I�m pretty sure we haven�t learned anything else.
JOKE OF THE MONTH:
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and, in a worried voice, says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!" Herman replies, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"
RANDOM ACTS OF�INSANITY:
I have gotten word from one of my many �sources� that wild maniacs have been running around throwing salami in people�s yards. Through much investigatory work I have discovered that I may actually know these people. For those of you who may be reading this and were a part of this foolishness, you know who you are. All we ask is that you come forward and confess. You will be much better off than you will when the FBI storms your home and drags you in. For the rest of you law-abiding citizens, the only evidence I can give you at this time is that one of the perpetrators was seen driving a gold-ish Taurus at the scene of the crime. Please stay inside and keep your doors locked. There is no telling what they may do next. They are liable to steal construction signs and put them in your driveway or toilet paper your trees or, dare I say it, egg your house! I am not responsible for the potential danger that awaits you and your loved ones should you choose to ignore this warning. I am just glad I�m thousands of miles away from this outrage. God be with you today, Billings, and may you live to see many more.
QUOTE CORNER:
�I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret.� -Walter Winchell
�My feet are killing me, but it is going to be worth the pain! I can�t believe I�m here; I�m so excited!� -Suzy M.
DEEP THOUGHTS:
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen, and it could be like ambition.
WORDS FROM THE WISE:
Warning: May be hot. One thing I have realized about living on my own is that there are some appliances I have yet to master. Unfortunately for me, most of these appliances involve heat. I think that in place of the warning that now reads, �May require supervision,� it should instead read, �Some people should always be supervised�use your best judgment.� I have never thought of myself as clumsy, but the accumulating number of burns on my body would probably speak otherwise (assuming burns could speak). Two days ago I was in a rush to iron my shirt, which by the way is the stupidest thing anyone has ever come up with�unwrinkled clothes I mean�because who has the time or the energy to care! Anyway, I was giving into �the man� so-to-speak and trying to save time by ironing on the floor, but when I leaned over to unplug the iron I burnt my knee. Only a little one, and I didn�t have time to feel pain, so it was no biggie. Then I made the mistake of underestimating the power of the microwave, and I grabbed my plate of food out without even considering that it may be too hot to touch. You know the rest. But last night I pushed it over the top when I touched my arm to the oven door and scorched my arm�it�s okay, Mom, not scorched, just barely singed. Now I have a large carrot-shaped mark on the bottom of my arm that is turning gray even as we speak. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that we had better put the fire department on speed dial because the way I�m working my way up, there may not be time to dial 3 numbers. Moral: Dude, stuff�s hot!
THE DATING GAME:
Wow, Tennessee sure is an amazing place. Only here could it be possible to get two total strangers� numbers in two days. Or else you�d have to be really really ridiculously good looking. Yep, that person was me (picture head high and thumbs pulling non-existent suspenders). Well, what can I say�Oh, did I mention they were both 40!! Oh my goodness, I don�t know what is going on with the world but I tell you what, no way! I don�t know how many people actually fall for this pathetic-old-man thing, but frankly I think it is crazy. Yikes, maybe I look old. I should start wearing overalls more. Middle-aged women don�t wear overalls do they?! Maybe I should start egging people�s cars more and doing other hooliganish things. There is nothing old men hate more than hooligans, just ask my dad. See what�s happening to me! Action must be taken to stop the nonsense; to right the wrong; to bring justice where it has ceased to exist; to stand up and fight for what we believe in! Who�s with me!��.Hello?
MY SISTER THE RETARD:
Bonding time: The dictionary defines the word bond or bonding as: �A uniting force or tie; a link; To join (two or more individuals) in or as if in a nurturing relationship.� It did not, however, contain anything about screaming Veggie Tales songs at the top of one�s lungs in an attempt to keep her driving sister awake. I guess Blake�s definition of bonding is a bit different. I was lucky enough to get to spend 24 solid hours with my sister in the confined area of my car driving to Nashville. The first day went better than expected. There were no insane outbursts, and my patience managed to last through the night. However, somewhere outside of St. Louis something snapped. I think it was when Blake decided to read me a Pat McManus story but do different voices for each person. First, I couldn�t understand a word she was saying, and the women�s voices were mannish and vice versa. Secondly, there was a wreck on the road ahead and the traffic was literally stopped on the interstate for miles. It was not the time for voices. She, however, thought it was hysterical and laughed more than she read. Finally, I had had enough, and after much threatening, the story continued normally (well, normal for a Pat McManus story). We made it through the next few hours fine until I started getting tired, and Blake thought the best way to fix that would be to sing as loud as she possibly could. She sang every Disney song every made, every Veggie Tales song she knew, and gave the signal for every semi to honk as we passed them. I love my sister, but bonding is not meant to be done in the midst of extremely painful leg cramps. I�m pretty sure there was nothing �nurturing� or �uniting� about that experience, and I think she would agree.
SAY WHAT?!:
Suzy�s old roommate Heather came to visit from Oklahoma this past weekend. The three of us went to a concert in Dyersburg, TN. This is the kind of little country town you see in the movies�you know, like where McDonalds is a Sunday dinner and Wal-mart is the place to be. Anyway, so Heather turns out to be quite the comedian, which was good because I�m not a fan of country music so she kept me entertained. At one point the lead singer asked if anyone was in high school. Some extremely obnoxious girls in front of us started screaming in ear-piercing tones making one want to shoot oneself. Then he asked if anyone was in middle school, and Heather yelled and waved her hands (to clarify, Heather is 24). Suzy and I pretended not to know her. After the concert was over the stage crew started throwing the band memebers� water bottles into the audience (lame). Heather practically tackled a five year old to catch one. Turns out the bottle wasn�t even opened yet so Suzy drank it�Heather is still claiming that it �fell at her feet,� but we know that is not the case. (I was going to ask one of the band members to spit on it so it would be worth more but decided against it.) We went through the meet-and-greet line, and for some strange reason Heather felt the need to say, �Gracias, cinco de mayo!� to the French guy. Later I informed her that she had said, �Thank you, May fifth!� in Spanish. As if that wasn�t enough foolishness, she had to pull the ultimate: The three of us were getting a group picture with the band. After we took the picture Heather said�loud enough for the entire town to hear��Ready to go back to Nashville!!� just incase they thought we were from there and gave a crap. Suzy and I bolted, but I was very close to leaning over to the fiddler and saying, �I don�t know her. I just jumped in the picture.� I did have a good time though, and I think Suzie did too even with her quarter-sized blisters. And we�ll just assume Heather did too even though we left her by the side of the road. Kidding.
SIGN OFF:
-brit
