The past few days, weeks, months, I've been pretty contented just waiting for things to happen. I have some sort of a vague plan, but I've never been very particular about confirming anything, about solidifying all my ideas. Then today, boom and my head was cracking with anxiety. I hate the way my brain works. Part-time.

Okay, a few things are happening in my life at the same time. Now that I admit that, I can now shut down Cindy#2, #3 and #4. Hahaha...damn, no more talking to myself.

Canada trip	I've packed my clothes, but not anything else. Packing my clothes was not even because I felt especially anxious. More of to get my closet to look more empty. I'll be leaving two days from now. In fact, exactly 48 hours from now, and I still don't have my money changed, I don't have my air-tickets, I have no idea what I'm going to do there most of the time, I don't even know I would be dropping over to US for a short time until just now. Aha, but I do know what I'm going to buy for my family members, my friends and my students. I also know that I'm going to celebrate the Canadian National Day with them. Aaaww..I think I'm going to like that. Well, I guess I don't really have to freak out so badly for this, since I have Po Chin as my travel companion. Although she's going to abandon me for a few days, I trust her organisation skills. At least I won't be left stranded at an airport, a train station or just nowhere. Erm, right?
Studies in US	This is the worst of all. Term starts in Aug/Sept and I don't even have an university yet. It's all my own fault anyway, asking for a change of university. If I had just stuck to UW-Madison, I should probably be applying for my dorm already. Damn it. I wish UIUC would reply sooner. If I apply through my scholarship board, does that mean that I should be able to get the place? Now that I think of it, UIUC have to take me in. I don't think UW-Madison wants me anymore. Argh. Damn it. As I was saying, considering term's going to start soon, I have not gone for my medical checkup, I have not applied for visa, I have not applied for my dorm, I have no idea what courses I'm going to study, I don't even know if I'll successfully get to go there at all. I have not even signed the contract with PSC yet! Damn damn damn. Now I'm freaking out very badly. Think I'm gonna email PSC and tell them I'm freaking out very badly. In a nicer way of course.
Cross-stitch	Don't laugh at my new found interest. I really enjoyed doing the cross-stitch. Great sense of satisfaction. I finished the core part, but now I have do the outlining, which I absolutely hate. So I'm procrastinating. Isn't that so typical of me, but yes, I refuse to touch that thing until I come back from Canada. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm sure I'll rekindle my love for cross-stitch after a two week break.
Webpage	I was actually thinking of how much time I spend doing this page. Not merely the actual typing out of the HTML [by the way, I type really really slowly.], but also the thoughts about potential new designs and the search for nice colours, pictures and graphics. Not that I have interesting graphics here, nor exceptional web designing, but I do put in effort trying. Aha, that should help a little. Anyway, I take pride in this corner of mine and I do intend to keep it running for at least as long as I can handle it. But I'm getting so sick of comparing myself with the other online journals that I read, thinking how shallow I sound, how pathetic my design is and how the you-know-the-URL-and-I-want-you-to-come people never come. I'm not going to question my motive in keeping this journal anymore. I realise the answer is simple. I'm a show-off. There, simple as that. But I wish there's more of me to show off, to more people. This website is actually at present the project that takes up most of my time and brain cells, but apparently progressing very slowly. Maybe I should just try to type faster.

Okay, for now, these are the things occupying my mind. Of course, there are also other things occupying my heart, but that's going to take a lot of time to organise. So I shall leave this as it is.

It's really not like me to list everything out like this. I like having a murky brain. I like only having vague ideas, thinking about things only when I feel like it, but not when I need to. But I guess that's not a very good attitude to have. I should change that. This is my pathetic attempt to organise my life. Unfortunately, I think I've only succeeded in making myself realise really how disorganised and slow I am.